“Two are better off than one, because together they can work more effectively. If one of them falls down, the other can help him up . . . Two people can resist an attack that would defeat one person alone. A rope made of three cords is hard to break.” – Ecclesiastes 4:9 (TEV)

Blah. Stinky ol’ stupid Valentine’s Day is this week. Darn it.

I was all set to go into this day the way I have on other Valentine’s Days where I’ve found myself single: with a heart full of dread and disgust that the stupid day even has to exist. But this year – today actually – something changed.

For the sixth time (yes, SIXTH), I have started the book, The Purpose Driven Life by Rick Warren. Some of you may have heard of it. It’s set up in forty chapters and the ‘goal’ is to read the book in 40 days, one chapter per day. (The reasoning is that so many notable things took place in the Bible in a 40-day time span so there must be something meaningful to that block of time.) You’re supposed to sign the book in the beginning, with the date, as your ‘promise’ to yourself to devote the next 40 days to reading a chapter a day and discovering what your ‘purpose’ is in life as set out in the Bible. Now, I’m not the most deeply religious person in the world, mind you. But for some reason, this book has always intrigued me. Not that I have the foggiest idea what’s in the dang thing – since I’ve never made it past day 10 or so. But, as I mentioned before, I just added my John Hancock for February 12, 2013 as Promise #6 (following my other promises dating all the way back to September 3, 2009) that I will, again, give it a go.

I opened it this morning, and the first thing I see is the verse from Ecclesiastes that I referenced at the beginning of this blog. “Two are better off than one…” etc. My thoughts immediately go to “Great! Here I am trying to learn more about God and try to get my crap together, and even He decides to remind me I’m alone.” There’s no escape. But then, no sooner did that grumpy thought enter my mind, than this replacement thought took over:

“You are NOT alone. In fact, you may be less alone than you ever have been.”

Now, again, I’m not deeply religious. I kind of wish I was. I admire the ones who are. But the fact is, I’m just not. But that thought entered my head just like someone was standing in front of me and saying it to me. And the more I let it sink in, the more I realized how much truth there is to it. In the past four weeks since my relationship ended, I have experienced more selfless love, kindness, and even some forgiveness towards me than I can remember ever receiving. I was a mess, I’m the first to admit it. But the people who love me – the ones who really love me – just calmly stood by and waited for the storm to pass. They offered their time, their shoulders, their thoughts and prayers – and even in one friend’s case, her home – to me. They took me in and wrapped me up in a kindness that I’m not sure I deserved. I was a self-pitying fool. I couldn’t see past my own pain and anger and sadness to look around and realize that I was so deeply loved. Maybe not by that one particular person – but by so, SO many others.

Aren’t we such silly creatures? We can be surrounded by so much goodness and kindness and yet, we let the negative thoughts of one silly person cloud out all of that. But here’s the thing. The fog does lift. It does. And when it does, unlike what you’re probably expecting and imagining, you’re not standing there all alone. As the smoke clears, the things you start to see are the smiling faces of friends and family who love you, flaws and all. They’ve been there all along – you just couldn’t see them through the pain. But they’re there. They were there before, they were there during, and now, they’ll be there after. And they’ll even be there the next time around. (Which I shudder to think about…Ugh!)

So, back to the point. Valentine’s Day. This year, Valentine’s Day is not about romance for me. It’s about what it’s probably supposed to be about anyway – LOVE. Pure, true, deep, unending love. The lasting kind. The kind I have felt pouring out from my friends, my family, my kids, and even virtual strangers during the past few weeks. The kind that I am going to do my best to more fully notice and appreciate from this day forward.

And that is a promise to myself that I actually intend to keep. (Along with the one to devote the next 40 days to that book, of course…) 😉

Ya know, two really are better than one.

Happy Valentine’s Day.

The show Phantom has been on my mind alot for a few days.  I guess maybe since I love to act, I relate to theatre in ways some might not.  When something happens in my life, rather than immediately thinking of a song or a poem to relate to, I think of a show.  This time it’s Phantom.

If you haven’t seen it, let me explain.  (In my words, of course, and I’m not a critic.)  The Phantom is a deformed, hideous man who lives in the walls of an opera house.  He was placed behind these walls so that no one would have to see “the ugly.”  Hide it, and it doesn’t exist, right?  So, he lives his solitary life behind these walls, hiding the ugly, until something comes along that changes things.  Someone comes along that changes him.  Christine.  Suddenly, with the entrance of this one person into his world, he’s not so content hiding behind the walls anymore.  Although he slowly begins to creep out from behind the walls to be with her, he still keeps the ugly hidden away behind his mask.  He just can’t let her see him.  Not yet.

Time passes.  Love grows.  And finally.  Finally.  He feels like the time has come.  They’ve spent time together, she knows the ‘real’ him….so why not show her the rest?  He summons up the courage to remove the mask and show her ‘the ugly.’  Surely all the good and not-so-ugly things that she has seen up to this point will outweigh what lies beneath, right?  Surely she will accept and love him for the whole self, and not just the self that keeps portions hidden behind walls and a mask.  Surely if he reveals all of himself – the bad together with the good – she will still love him for the person she has come to know.  Won’t she?

Well, guess what.  She doesn’t. She takes one look – one look – and she’s gone.

Oh, Phantom.  I feel ya, buddy.

~03/04/11 ~

You know that feeling when you know that something is different?  That something has changed?  That something old has ended and something new is beginning?  That you’re faced with a crossroads and you know that it’s time to just pick a road and keep on trucking?  Well, if you don’t know that feeling, you will.  And more than once.

This getting older thing has its benefits.  For one – you start to recognize these things when they’re happening.  Not just looking back on them in hindsight – it’s easy to see them then – but to actually feel them happening as they are happening.  I’m glad I finally learned to recognize these little life detours.  They’re everywhere.  You find yourself floating along and then something or someone comes along (or moves along, as they case may be) and you no longer see anything the same again.  You never see you the same again.

I know I can sometimes be a little dramatic.  A little too analytical.  A little naive.  But you know what?  Who cares?  I am who I am.  And when something happens, I feel it.  I sense it.  I know it.  I can sometimes run from it like a scared little baby rather than facing it, I do admit that.  But I recognize it.  And this is one of those times.

I’m starting to remember the old me.  The dreamer.  The one who took risks, regardless of the odds that were against her.  That me has been asleep for a while.  She started waking up a little at a time earlier this year, but all of a sudden, in the past few months, the truth of who I am has been shining so bright I can’t shield my eyes from it anymore.  I’m not bitter.  I’m not jaded.  I’m not tough and I don’t really have walls built up.  I just pretend to be all those things so I don’t have to show the real me and get rejected again.  What I really want to do is get on here and shout out to the world that yes, I have royally messed up in this whole love department thing.  But it doesn’t matter.  I still believe!  I still think it’s out there.  I still know that that soul mate business is not really a load of crap (like I like to tell people it is), but that it is real.  It is true.  It is right there waiting for me and all I have to do is reach out and grab it.  And you know what?  I think I may just do that.

We have one life.  And the events of this earth lately should make us all look around and realize that it could end any second when we least expect it.  So take those chances.  Take the risk even when the odds are against you.  Who cares?  Just live.  That’s all there is to it.  Put fear aside and be willing to look like a fool.

As long as you tried, then you won.

I’m ready for my next victory.  How about you?

~ 05/01/11 ~

I feel like a sweater.

Someone sees it in the store.  It looks great, it looks promising, it looks like exactly the sweater they’ve been looking for!  They buy it (hey – it’s even discounted!  Wonder why? It’s perfect!), they take it home, they wear it immediately.  Don’t waste any time…this thing is perfect, let’s show it off!  For a few weeks, it becomes their favorite sweater and they display it proudly for all the world to see.

Over time, the sweater doesn’t get worn quite as often (don’t want to overdo it), but it is still loved.  It’s still washed with the gentle cycle and layed flat to dry.  No dryer for this precious garment!

More time passes.  Still love the sweater.  Still wear it once in a while.  But everyone has seen it now and there is not as much thrill in showing it off.  No more gentle cycle, no more laying flat to dry.  I mean, come on…it’s just a sweater.  Does it really need that much time and attention?  Just throw it in with the rest of the wash, it’ll be fine.

But then, one day…

One day they flip the sweater over and see something that they didn’t notice at first.  The sweater was coming apart at the seams.  Had it always been there?  Was that why it was discounted?  Or did they cause it to happen by just throwing it in the wash?  Oh, who cares.  It’s damaged goods.

They throw it in the donation box (hey someone else with lower clothing standards might want this junk), forget they ever had it, and go out shopping for another, stronger, tougher sweater.  One that isn’t coming apart at the seams.

Anyone have any thread?

~ 03/15/11 ~