Author Archives: Melissa Edmondson

Wisdom from Elain

“Nature chooses who will be transgender; individuals don’t choose this.”
– Mercedes Ruehl

Yesterday, I wrote a blog called The Guise of Love.

Today, I read another blog post similar to mine by a man named John. While going through the comments on John’s post, I saw one comment that deserved a blog post of its own.

Today’s blog is dedicated to Elain. These are her words.

They need to be heard.

Open your mind and your heart and listen.

I’m transgender. Do you know what I think about when I go into the bathroom? Going to the bathroom. Washing my hands. Checking my hair and makeup. Full Stop. I and every other transgender person I know (and I know about 600 transgender people personally) feel exactly the same way. We just want to pee.

“Use the men’s room then” people say.

I have rather pronounced breasts (Yes, real, physical breasts, natural and made by my body). I wear a dress. Heals, Blouses. My hair and makeup is not even close to being masculine.

Do you know what happens to me when I go to the men’s restroom looking like this? 4 times I have been assaulted. Once that put me in a hospital for a week. I have been spit on at least 30 times. I’ve had more disgusting things said to me than I can count. I’ve had urine thrown on me twice, feces once. I’ve had to pull my pistol out on men 5 times. I started carrying a firearm after I was hospitalized by a right wing Christian hater in Florida, who nearly beat me to death and would have, had he not been pulled off me and restrained btw. One of these days I am going to be forced to shoot someone who thinks it is perfectly fine to assault the transgender person for no other reason than I am transgender. And it will be because of right wing pretend ‘Christians’ and their ramped up hate towards transgender people, since they can no longer legally hate on gay people.

We are the next target for their disgusting, un-Christ like hate.

I got so tired of the hate I was facing, on a daily basis. EVERYWHERE I went, that I chose to relocate to a state with transgender protections because I REALLY don’t want to have to shoot some hate driven so-called ‘Christian’ for trying to assault me because they have been taught by their church that I am an easy target for their hate and fear.

‘Christians’ are always screaming about people who are LGBT being so militant.. you know why we are that way? Because YOU do everything you can to cause us harm, to revile us, to hate us, to treat us as less than human. So.. we got active. We defended ourselves from YOU. Now many of you are crying we have an agenda.. that we are trying to take away your rights. NO.. WE RE NOT! We are just trying to be allowed to live, love and be happy, like everyone else. BUT YOU WON’T LET US. So we have to activate, protest, be militant. We’d rather not have to do that. We just want to live, like everyone else, without being afraid we will be fired for who we love, evicted for who we are, not for anything we did wrong. Be able to walk down the road without pretend ‘Christians’ spewing their idiocy and hate at us. Be able to marry the person we love. JUST LIKE YOU!

And then we have people like John here, who actually gets it. Who understands that humanity isn’t black and white. One way or the other, that we are in fact an amazingly diverse and variable species. People like John give me hope that someday, I will be able to walk down the street without fearing I will be attacked, and possibly murdered, just for existing. Right now, that is a very real fear for me EVERY TIME I STEP OUTSIDE OF MY HOME. And I blame that 100% on ‘Christians’.

If any of you walked a day in my footsteps. Lived a day in my shoes. Had the faintest glimmering of what goes on in my mind, how I feel, how I think… you would know that being transgender isn’t a choice, it’s a matter of living or ending your life. It almost ended my life. I fought who I was as hard as I could. I created a façade. Male. Tried to live so society would leave me alone. Buried myself so deep, that nobody even knew I was there. And I hated myself and life so thoroughly, just hated everything and everybody but mostly I hated myself. I was so deeply, miserably unhappy that death seemed a viable and much better alternative. Every day of 50 years of life, I was miserable. Unhappy. Hated myself. Hated everyone else. It came to a head. I almost succeeded in killing myself. My doctors don’t even know how I survived and have told me that I shouldn’t have. That was a year ago. I stopped pretending and playing YOUR game, and finally accepted what I had been forced to deny my entire life. I accepted who I was, something I knew before I even turned 4.

Oh yes. I have memories going back to 4 and earlier. Massive distress at my body, at parts of my body. It was wrong. Broken. Misshapen. I didn’t know what to call it back then, but the one and only time I voiced it… I got beat so badly I had to lay on my stomach for three days. I never mentioned it again until a year ago.

And you know what? I am happier. I no longer hate people. No longer look in the mirror and hate myself. For the first time in my entire 51 years of life… I like who I am. I will kill myself rather than be forced back into that THING I pretended to be for 50 years. You don’t know my pain. None of you except another transgender person can really know it. But you can be empathetic. Understanding. Instead of hating and fearing what you don’t know. You can educate yourself. And if you really are Christian… you can do what Jesus told you to do in the first place. Love your neighbor as you love yourself. You can’t love your neighbor when you are trying to criminalize their very existence.

Sorry for the rant John. You strike me as a decent person and one I could respect and admire. But it had to be said. From our view.

~Elain

public-restrooms

Posted by Melissa Edmondson. Categories: Freestyle Writings/Musings. Tags: acceptance, Charlotte, christian, christianity, hypocrisy, love, motivation, public bathrooms, transgender. 3 Comments

Feb. ’16

The Guise of Love

If you’re my Facebook friend, you knew this blog was coming.

If you’re not, let me catch you up.

Yesterday, a Christian lady in our small mountain community posted a status about a new Charlotte, North Carolina law that was passed Monday allowing transgender people to use the public bathroom that corresponds to their gender identity. This woman, who has repeatedly told the world in Facebook statuses, a self-published book, numerous selfies, and a multitude of scripture posts that she is a Christian and loves all, expressed her concern at this new ruling. She said she would no longer feel it would be safe to allow her children to use these bathrooms and that this new ruling “made her sick.” She said it “goes against all she believes is right and true.”

But oh, it didn’t end there. In fact, this was just the beginning.

Once the comments started rolling in from people, including me, who saw the hypocrisy and hurt in such a statement coming from someone who is supposed to be in support of love for all, this woman was quick to start deleting and blocking the naysayers and rewording and deleting some of her negative comments. She then went on to create a video selfie (which I want to post the link to soooo bad but those last few shreds of maturity are stopping me) showing her crying over the hurt and pain that standing for God was bringing about. To which, came numerous comments flooding in supporting her in her plight and remarking that they too were standing with her on God’s side.

*sigh*

*ahhem*

[Maturity, Melissa. Maturity.]

Alrighty then. Let’s discuss, shall we?

First and foremost, as someone I greatly admire was quick to point out, I’ve yet to see the parts in the Bible about public restrooms. I mean, seriously. I try and try to be just a smidge educated before I start mouthing off about something but, for the life of me, I’ve scoured that thing and I simply cannot find it. So, I’m just not quite sure how these people know how their God feels about men and women using each other’s bathrooms. This has become such a mystery to me. But, hey, surely such devoted Christ followers wouldn’t make up stuff from the Bible just to support their own ignorance-based fears, would they?

Surely not.

So, let’s assume it’s in there. (You know, somewhere around all that “judge not” silliness.) And let’s assume that this woman is truly standing up for her Lord and is bearing the brunt of such a burden. Okidoke, Got it.

So, video selfie and numerous photo selfies later, here we are. And the comments are still rolling in. Now, even though this woman managed to block every member of my family from her Facebook page (as Jesus would have her do), I still have my ways of seeing the things that are posted. (Just chalk it up to my evil ways…muhaha). And in the past 24 hours, here are the things I’ve seen.

“Keep standing for God, you have a heart of gold and He knows it!”

“Thank God there are people like you that will stand up for what you believe in!”

“I’m so sorry someone hurt you.”

“Exactly what I was thinking. This is a fruitcake nation.”

(My favorite up there was how sorry someone was that she was hurt. That SHE was hurt?? Seriously? She describes a fairly significant portion of our population as people who “make her sick” and whom she fears will harm her children because of a condition that they have no control over and yet she is the one that’s hurt? Give me a friggin break.)

But, fruitcake nation aside, another of the commenters really tickled me. Let me give you a little backstory.

About 5 minutes before this guy got married, he made out with me. Yup, that’s right. It was before I met Richard, of course, and I could make all kinds of excuses for the way things went down, but the facts are the facts. His Facebook and public persona showed the world how happy he was with the love of his life, while his private self was trying to get in my pants.

And now where is he?

Commenting on this status about how horrible this world is and how awful it is that this poor woman is being faced with such adversity in her plight for God.

Excuse me while I THROW UP ALL OVER MY KEYBOARD.

For the love of God, can we stop with the hypocrisy? I mean, seriously, people. You’re not perfect. I’m not perfect. The city of Charlotte isn’t perfect. Transgender people aren’t perfect. We all make mistakes and we all SUCK. Can we please, please, stop judging people on things they have no control over?

Sure, I get it. I’m partly hypocritical because I’m ranting on this post about this Christian woman and her non-Christian ways, but do you see the difference here? Yes, I’m being judgmental and yes, I’m being snarky and bitchy. But it’s because of this woman’s personality. I don’t like her. I think she’s a fraud and I think she’s leading thousands of people down a path that is making this world an ugly place filled with ignorance and intolerance of things they don’t understand. But I can do that. I’m human. I don’t claim to be Christ-like because I’m not. Yes, I do judge. But my judgment is based on how you ACT, not who you are.

There’s a big fat huge hairy difference. Got it?

I do not think this woman is doing God’s work and I pray that each and every one of you out there think twice before you blindly follow someone just because they say that’s what they’re doing. No matter how many scriptures they post, God said you’re going to know them by their fruits. What were the fruits of that post?

Hurt feelings. Exclusion. Rejection. Embarrassment.

Is that really what Jesus would do?

Hatred disguised as love is one of the most dangerous things there is in this world. It frightens the bejeebus out of me and makes me terrified for all the young people out there who are going through identity crises. The world is a scary place when you’re young, immature, and people who are supposed to be so “good” make you feel like a leper. Nothing but bad can come from that. Believe me when I tell you this.

Please.

Think for yourselves, people. Come on, THINK. It’s not that hard. It’s really not. If you don’t like someone because of how they act, that’s cool. You’re human. Don’t like them. But if you don’t like someone because of who they are and if you think they don’t deserve the same rights as you because of things that are beyond their control, I think you might want to recheck that religion thing you’re basing your beliefs on.

I think you might have screwed up somewhere. And the God I know does not want you using his name to promote your selfish agenda.

Don’t preach about love. Love. It’s a verb. Do it.

And that’s all I have to say.

***

“A new command I give you: Love one another. As I have loved you, so you must love one another.”
– Jesus Christ

Posted by Melissa Edmondson. Categories: Freestyle Writings/Musings. Tags: blog, Charlotte, God, hypocrisy, laws, public bathrooms, religion, transgender. 6 Comments

Feb. ’16

Everyday Friends

“The surest sign of age is loneliness.”

– Anne Dillard

Let’s talk about adult friendships, shall we?

I want to show you something that I saw yesterday.

“Wish those people who talk about their recent outings or make plans in my presence realized that they never invite me. Are they insensitive? Do they assume I’m busy or disinterested?
Feeling a little hurt because I’m realizing that I invested over a year trying to build friendships that will never be more than functional, practical acquaintances.
I’ve got people who live too far away for random, everyday interactions. I’ve got people I can call in a crisis but I don’t have that circle of local girlfriends I’ve been hoping for. Guess it’s time to move on. Problem is, surrounded by so many locals, no one has an opening for an ‘everyday friend.’”

friendship blog What you just read was an online post from my Facebook friend Tiffany. I saw it yesterday while scrolling through and I haven’t been able to get it off of my mind. I had a passing thought to blog about it, but then decided maybe not. Really, what could I write about? And what could I offer? Advice? Ha. Hardly. Why? Because I’m not qualified, that’s why. I’m just like Tiffany.

I feel exactly the same way.

And then today, as if the universe knew I was trying to hide from the thought, I received a message from Kim, a mutual friend of mine and Tiffany’s. This is what she had to say:

“I am sadly amazed at the responses to Tiffany’s post. Given the outpouring of understanding she received, I would love to see you blog about this. It is a widespread topic that we are reluctant to put out there. Oh, I’m whining, or pathetic, or some other dreamt up stupid adjective that is not accurate (except in our mind). You write THE best, honest, open and heartfelt pieces. For all of us who feel strangely disenfranchised, please write.”

Could I write about this? Really? What would I have to say?

So, the first thing I did was go back and read Tiffany’s post and peruse the responses. Here’s what I saw:

“Ditto. Ditto exactly.” – Veronica

“I can relate to this.” – Blakeley

“I feel the same way.” – Heidi

“Thank you for your honesty. More people than you know feel the same way here.” – Becky

“I don’t have this either.” – Cassondra

(And let me just pause here to point out that Cassondra is my next door neighbor and a friend from my community theatre. Geez.)

Now, aside from the many commenters who simply voiced their understanding of Tiffany’s statement, there were also a few who attempted to rationalize it as well.

“This makes me….wish I was less generally ‘hermity.’” – Season

Looks like Season seems to be blaming herself here. She sees it as a flaw in her own personality or is seeing it as her choice to be alone.

And on that same note:

“I don’t have it either. I think it’s harder to be close to people as I get older. I’m less trusting and more self sufficient.” – Melissa (Oh, wait, that’s me.)

Like Season (gosh I love that name), my comment fell into the same category. Somehow I feel as if I have chosen to feel like Tiffany does.

Some seemed to blame it on the small area we live in:

“Our area is a difficult place to form friendships. I had so many good friends in SC that I went out with on a regular basis. When we moved back home, I had my family but no friends.” – Andrea

“That’s the problem with small towns; they typically aren’t very welcoming to ‘outsiders’ in a deep friendship way. We really haven’t had good friends since we lived in Atlanta.” – Jill

And one mentioned the fact that we don’t make the time for these friendships:

“We are busy and allow the urgent to overtake the important, we don’t take time for girlfriend relationships.” – Cyndi

Then, one that really stood out to me and got me right in the feels:

“I struggle with this same thing. Since I’ve changed my life and try to focus on doing good I don’t have anyone that likes to come around either. It’s funny when you party and act wild you’ll have friends around but as soon as I sober up nobody calls or comes around. So I just hangout with my sweet boys all the time. But it’d def be nice to have a friend too.” – Crystal

(Oh, Crystal. Do you have any idea how strong you are, lady? I sure hope so.)

So, here we have a variety of women with a variety of reasons why they think they have lost this connection with other women. Which one is right?

Are Andrea and Jill onto something? Is it the area we live in? I can certainly relate to that if it is. As a woman who definitely did not grow up in this small town, I often feel left out when I see these female friendships that have been blooming for years.

Or, is it what Cyndi said? Is it the fact that we don’t make time for friendships? As women who are all grown up and now have jobs and kids to take care of and houses to keep clean, is it that we just don’t have the time anymore to pick up the phone and make a plan for a girls’ night? Again, I get it. It seems frivolous in a way. We are women – we take care of things. Who is going to keep things on track around here if we take the night off?

Or is Crystal the one who has it figured out? Have we just outgrown friendships? While we might not have all changed as profoundly as Crystal has (and again – you go girl!), we’ve definitely all changed. There’s no doubt about it. We get older and the things that were once important to us just aren’t anymore.

Or are Season and I the ones that have it figured out. Is it just our choice to not be close to people anymore? Some of us realize it, but maybe some of us don’t?

Sigh. Again, like I said at the beginning of this blog, I don’t really know why I’m writing this. I don’t have the ability to provide answers. Like another commenter, Conor, said, “I can’t offer advice, only empathy.” What is there to say?

Well, other than this:

Tiffany, you are obviously not alone.

“Do you know how many people feel the same way? You have opened up a conversation here that so many are afraid to even contemplate because they don’t want to recognize the hurt and rejection that comes with it. Community is SO needed!!!” – Julie

Julie, my dear, you are on to something. You see all of those suggestions of why up there? They don’t matter. They really don’t. We can sit and try to analyze it all day. Maybe there are a million different reasons it happens, but the fact is that it does happen. It has happened to so many of us.

And now, the question is this – what do we do about it?

I want to go out on a limb and hypothesize about something. I think social media plays a huge role in this conundrum. Now, hear me out here.

I have friends. Really, I do. In fact, I have about 1,045 of them. Don’t believe me? Just ask Facebook. Now, I’m not saying that I don’t cherish those friends on there. I do. In fact, I have a few that I don’t know what I’d do without. When I need a listening ear, I just type away and there they are.

But is that the same thing? Really?

How many times have I said, “I have a problem I need to talk about. Can I come over?” Or how many times have I reached out to someone else? How many times have I said, “I’m sorry you’re hurting, I’ll be right over.” I’ll tell you how many times. Zero. It’s just too easy to have a typed conversation. Or send a funny meme. Or post a facebook status and watch the empathy roll in.

But is that enough?

Tiffany’s status and the overwhelming amount of responses she received tell me that maybe it’s not.

So now what?

I’m a runner. One of the things I always tell people who are just starting out, and the thing that was always told to me when I was first starting out, is this: the first step is always the hardest. Even as an experienced runner, that never fails to be the case. Some days I just don’t feel like running. But as soon as I put forth the effort to just get into my running gear, lace up my shoes, and take those first sluggish steps out the door, it gets easier after that.

Maybe that logic is the same that needs to be applied here.

Kudos to Tiffany. She took that first step. She acknowledged the problem. And not only did she acknowledge it, she put it out there. What courage that took. And because of that courage, she received messages like this one from Christy:

“You, me, coffee? I’d love to spend time with you! I guess I always figure people already have their group of friends since I’m new to town. I always need more girlfriends, though!”

And there you have it. Will Tiffany and Christy become best friends? Who knows? Maybe, maybe not. Friendships are like relationships. Some work, some don’t. But, also like relationships, you have to try. You just have to.

It’s just way too lonely out here alone.

And as for me? Well, I guess it’s time to put my money where my mouth is. I have a neighbor that I’d like to get to know better. And how ridiculous of me that I haven’t asked sooner.

***

“The only way to have a friend is to be one.”
– Ralph Waldo Emerson

Posted by Melissa Edmondson. Categories: Freestyle Writings/Musings. Tags: adult friendships, alone, blog, change, courage, friendship, friendships, heart, inspiration, inspirational, loneliness, lonely, motivation, motivational, problems, Quotes, relationships, running, trust, writer, writing. 17 Comments

Dec. ’15

#HumanityforHarvey

“To err is human, to forgive divine.”
– Alexander Pope

So, unless you were watching it live, I’m betting most of you have greeted this Monday morning with the news of what happened at the Miss Universe pageant last night. Am I right?

Whether you were one of the ones whose jaw was on the floor as you watched the cringe-worthy moment live, or you are just picking your jaw up off the floor as you got the news this morning, I can bet that this is going to be quite the story for a while. Prepare for your Facebook feed to absolutely BLOW UP with this horrible snafu.

In case you truly are one of the few who hasn’t been bombarded with the new memes, Facebook statuses, and news coverage yet, let me give you a quick rundown. Steve Harvey, the 2015 host of the Miss Universe pageant, screwed up. Royally. He announced the wrong winner of the pageant and had to retract his statement. Live. In front of millions of viewers all over the world.

Watch the clip here. (View discretion advised…this will make your stomach hurt. I promise.)

Now, if that didn’t make your stomach hurt enough…jump on Facebook for a while. Watch the new statuses appear like a raging wildfire.

“FIRE Steve Harvey!”

“Steve Harvey needs to do more than just say, “It was my mistake.'”

“I know who won’t be hosting the Miss Universe pageant next year.”

“I can’t believe he tried to place the blame on what was said on the card!”

(That last one is one of my favorites. Um…were we watching the same show? Steve Harvey showed the card to prove that this was no one else’s mistake but his own. Good grief.)

And then there are the memes:

Haha. Aren’t we Facebookians so clever?

But here’s the thing, peeps. Yes, Steve Harvey screwed up. Yes, this really sucks for Miss Colombia and Miss Philippines. But you know what sucks worse? Our disgusting human ability to pounce on another’s mistake and exploit it. Condemn him. Criticize him. Call for his utter destruction!!!

(Okay, maybe that last part was a wee dramatic.) But you get the picture, right?

WHAT THE HECK IS WRONG WITH US? What are we doing to each other?

This is the Christmas season. And whether you’re a Christian or not, the historical fact is that this season honors the birth of a man named Jesus. Was he divine or just a man? That’s your call. But this whole season centers around his birth and one of the things he said was this, “Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.”

Think about that for a minute. How many of you have screwed up? How many of you have embarrassed the royal crap out of yourselves? Now, imagine that moment and picture it happening on live television, broadcasted world wide, and the internet ripping you a new one for it.

Come on people. Let’s show Steve some humanity. Go back and watch that clip again and see the image that I can’t get out of my head. Watch the man after he announces his mistake. Watch that walk off the stage. His head down, his shoulders slumped. That is what we need to watch. That is what needs to make our hearts break. That man made a mistake in front of the world. He then admitted the same…no pretenses, no blaming others…just a pure, heartfelt apology at his horrendous mistake and a blatant blame on himself and no one else. He even asked us not to put any blame on the ladies or on the judges. He showed us the card.

In essence, he said, “Here I am. Stone me.”

And what did we do? We started stoning.

Come on, people. There’s enough poo slinging out there already, isn’t there? Do we really have to sling it at this sad situation too?

Here’s what I’m asking of you. Instead of slinging poo at others, let’s do what Jesus asked us to do. Let’s look at ourselves and sling some of that stored up poo in our own directions. Shall we?

Steve Harvey, I too have done some stupid shit in my life. And so has everyone else out here. And I think we should start a #humanityforHarvey movement. Share your own stupid stories.

Here, I’ll start. *holds nose and dives head first into the deep end of the poo*

Once, when I was 21 and stupid, I went to interview for a job at an orthopedist’s office. Somehow in my idiotic brain, I got “orthopedist” and “podiatrist” mixed up. During the interview, the lady asked me if I had ever been to an orthopedist before. My response? “No, I’ve never had anything wrong with my feet.”

What a dumbass.

Okay, your turn. Show some #humanityforHarvey. Let him know he’s not alone. Give me (and Steve) your best embarrassing moments.

We’re all in this together, people. We’re all human and we’re all just figuring it out as we go. Let’s show some compassion in the process, shall we?

***

Posted by Melissa Edmondson. Categories: Freestyle Writings/Musings. Tags: #humanityforHarvey, compassion, humanity, Miss Columbia, Miss Philippines, Miss Universe, mistakes, Steve Harvey. 2 Comments

Dec. ’15

Silly Kid Quotes #13

“Children seldom misquote. In fact, they usually repeat word for word what you shouldn’t have said.”
~Author Unknown

It’s way past for another silly kid quote. Some of you are my Facebook friends and saw this as a status a few weeks ago, but I felt it was quite worthy of the silly kid quotes series. Man, where do these kids come up with these things??

sillykidquote13

Posted by Melissa Edmondson. Categories: Silly Kid Quotes. Tags: blog, children, funny kids, humor, kids, Quotes, silly kid quotes, things kids say. Leave a comment

Nov. ’15

American Minority

I am ashamed.
I look around my people and behold
Multitudes atop their thrones of privilege;
Masses upon their domains of ease,
Of abundance,
Of ignorance.

I am disheartened.
I witness displays of false compassion
(That extend no further than locked front doors.)
I glimpse wealth and comforts reserved
For only those of like complexion,
Like proximity,
Like beliefs.

I am troubled.
I observe hardships beyond our borders,
Anguish which my privileged land knows not.
Guilt consumes me as the truth seeps in:
These are my people.
Am I one of them?

I am lost.
Lost in an ocean of animosity;
Drowning in a sea of indifference.
(One shaky, quiet voice amidst hordes of hostility.)
Am I just a whisper?
Can anyone hear me?

Posted by Melissa Edmondson. Categories: Poetic Musings. Tags: America, ashamed, bigotry, borders, compassion, country, lost, poem, poetry, privilege, refugees, shame. 4 Comments

Nov. ’15

That Time I Shut Up

“The world is filled with people who, no matter what you do, will point blank not like you. But it is also filled with those who will love you fiercely. They are your people. You are not for everyone and that’s ok. Talk to the people who can hear you. Don’t waste your precious time and gifts trying to convince them of your value, they won’t ever want what you’re selling. Don’t convince them to walk alongside you. You’ll be wasting both your time and theirs and will likely inflict unnecessary wounds, which will take precious time to heal. You are not for them and they are not for you; politely wave them on, and continue along your way. Sharing your path with someone is a sacred gift; don’t cheapen this gift by rolling yours in the wrong direction. Keep facing your true north.”
– Rebecca Campbell, from her book, Light is the New Black

Make sure you read that quote up there. Read it very carefully.

Did you read it? Good. Now, go back and read it again. I’ll wait. Really, go on.

There.

[See? Still here. Told you I’d wait.]

I read that quote yesterday for the first time and it really got to me. And I mean really. I went back and read it again. And then again. And then one more time for good measure. Seeing those words, and then committing them to my heart and mind, reminded me of something that I don’t talk about very much.

And today, I’m going to change that.

I want to tell you about the time I shut up.

I know, I know. Sounds like fiction, right? Me? Shutting up? But nope – this story I’m going to tell you is all true. Every last word of it.

Unfortunately.

Most of you who read this blog either don’t know me at all, or know me through the wonderful world of social media. With that being said, you know the “me” who is a talker. The me who posts a Facebook status or a blog post every time a thought enters my mind. The me who is a performer, a writer, an extrovert in every sense of the word.

But there was a time before all of this. A time before Facebook. A time before the writing and the sharing and the openness.

A time between performances. An intermission, so to speak.

I was involved in a bad relationship. Now, don’t take that as my saying I was in a relationship with a bad man. That’s not what I’m saying. I’m saying I was in a bad relationship. A really bad one. And what made it so bad was this: I was with someone who didn’t like me.

It’s true. I spent almost five years involved with a man who didn’t like me. Oh, he loved me, I suppose. But he didn’t like me. There’s a difference, ya know. He didn’t like who I was.

For example, he didn’t like when I told people things. Anything. Because, of course, I could have been telling them our problems and those things needed to remain private. So, I stopped telling people anything, good or bad, in person or on social media. I just stopped reaching out; kept to myself.

He didn’t like my writing because I might make him the subject of it and, again, that needed to remain private. My views were so outlandish anyway, no one would ever possibly identify with anything I had to say. I should just be quiet and save myself the embarrassment.

So I stopped writing.

He didn’t like my acting. After being involved with community theatres for as long as I could remember, I let the curtain fall on those aspirations. Theatre took time and time was something I didn’t have. I needed to be with him, not out doing God knows what with God knows who for all of those hours. A woman belonged with her family, not on a stage. What was wrong with me?

So I stopped acting.

For someone as bold and blunt and hardheaded as I am, I’m sure it’s hard for you to believe this when I tell you. How could this have happened? How could someone like me become someone like that? But folks, I’m here to tell you – it happened. I wore my hair the way he required. (He once refused to look at me for an entire day because I straightened it and he wanted the natural curls.) I dressed the way he required. I obeyed the way he required. (Until the time I didn’t – but that’s a story for another day.)

I became so entranced with trying to please him and be what he wanted that I lost me. I had no idea who I was anymore. I became depressed. I slept for hours at a time. I gained weight. In short, I was miserable.

Why does this matter now? Why am I writing about it all these years later?

A few reasons.

First, I posted a blog earlier this week that wasn’t popular with a few people. (Okay, a lot of people.) My viewpoint didn’t jive with some others…including that of my own brother. I don’t like disagreeing with people I love, and for a moment, I did what I used to do. I stopped talking. I got off of the internet for a few hours and didn’t say a word. I didn’t stand my ground, I didn’t argue my point. I ran.

In other words, I shut up.

But then a few hours later, with a sudden jolt, I immediately realized what I was doing. I was once again allowing the sound of me to disappear because someone didn’t like what they heard.

Second reason I’m telling this story: I saw something a week or so ago that I can’t seem to shake from my mind. There was a news story going around about a woman whose husband was being prosecuted because of forcing her to have sex with many men over a period of years. While the story itself was atrocious, the comments that followed the posting of the story were almost worse. I saw so many people saying, “she obviously wanted it or she wouldn’t have participated” and “why doesn’t she go to jail too? She is the one who did it.” Etc. etc. I saw the woman called every unsavory name under the sun, followed ironically by the question of, “Why didn’t she leave?”

Ah, yes. The “why didn’t she leave?” stance. My favorite.

Sigh. What is wrong with us? What is wrong with people today? Why are we so full of ourselves that we think we know everything? Why do we feel like we know the true story of something that happens behind closed doors that we’ve never even peeked around? Why do we feel that we know the obvious answer when this poor victim didn’t? Do we think we are that much better than her? That much smarter? That much wiser?

I don’t know, guys. I really don’t know.

But I do know this.

I am now someone who tries to recognize the ones who are between performances. I know too well what that feels like. I try hard not to judge. I try hard to remember that I don’t know what happened that put them where they are today. Until you’ve been there, you don’t know how easy it is to slip down that slippery slope of people pleasing. You want so badly to be loved…to be liked…that you find the pieces of you that they don’t like slipping away a little at a time until you don’t even recognize yourself anymore. If you haven’t been there, you don’t know. But trust me, it doesn’t happen overnight. It happens in fits and starts and the further you go down the rabbit hole, the harder it is to turn around and crawl your way out.

Back to that quote at the beginning.

Are you someone who’s between performances? Is it intermission time in your life? I’m here to tell you that I understand. I truly do. But I also want to tell you that I finally…finally…also understand what it feels like on the other side.

“Talk to the people who can hear you.”

Find your song again, friends. Find it and sing it loud. Sing your heart out. For the ones who like you, your song will be music to their ears. Your song will be the best one they’ve ever heard. To them, all other music stops when you start singing. Your voice is beautiful.

And for the ones who don’t like you? They won’t be able to hear you at all. They just won’t. And you can’t make them. It’s such a hard lesson to learn, but it is a necessary one.

Never, ever, let yourself believe what I did. Never tell yourself that the answer is to stop singing. Believe me, dear ones. There is a place for your song. A place that would be empty without it.

Find it. Okay? Promise me. Find it.

And don’t let anyone, or anything, ever shut you up again.

Intermission is over, my friends. It’s time for the second act.

***

Posted by Melissa Edmondson. Categories: Freestyle Writings/Musings. Tags: abuse, acceptance, bad relationship, blog, change, changed, control, dating, depression, flaws, inspiration, inspirational, like, loss, love, motivation, motivational, passion, performance, photos, problems, Quotes, relationship, relationships, sharing, silence, writer, writing. 13 Comments

Oct. ’15

Where is the Love?

“People killin’, people dyin’
Children hurt and you hear them cryin’
Can you practice what you preach
And would you turn the other cheek
Father, Father, Father help us
Send us some guidance from above
‘Cause people got me, got me questionin’
Where is the love?”
– lyrics from Where Is The Love? by The Black Eyed Peas

Lord have mercy, I’m tired.

Let me tell ya what I’m tired of. People. Yep, that’s it. People.

I have this bad habit of commenting on controversial issues on Facebook. I know, I know. Generally, I’m quiet as a church mouse and keep my opinions to myself [Disclaimer: This is a total lie.], but occasionally I’m known to spout off my opinion here and there. And when I do that, there seems to always be someone somewhere who has the exact opposite opinion from me who comments soon thereafter. And no matter how hard I to try to make this happen:

…most of the time (okay, every time) it just doesn’t work.

Current case in point: Shakara in South Carolina.

I’m sure most of you have seen or heard something about what happened with this girl in South Carolina this week. (Click here if you haven’t.) Now, I’m well aware that the media can skew stories, and none of us really know what happened that led up to this incident unless we were actually there, but there is a VIDEO (see link above) that we can watch showing what happened during the incident. Now, regardless of the surrounding story, I’d say that without any knowledge of what happened prior to or after this event, we should all be able to watch this video and see that what happened to this student was wrong.

Right?

Ha. Obviously not.

Once again, I expect the world to see things the way I do, and once again I’m surprised when they don’t. (In fact, my own husband disagrees with me on this one…which I’m not sure has ever happened with us before regarding a current events issue.) How two people can look at an incident and see completely different things still never ceases to amaze me.

Here’s what I saw. “Officer Slam” (hey, I’m not calling him that to skew this story to my line of thinking – that’s what the guy is known as around the school) is called in to a classroom to remove a girl who refused to leave the classroom when told to. Why was she told to leave the classroom? Well, the media says she was asked to leave because she refused to put her cellphone away. But really, does it matter? The teacher decided she did something that was so wrong that it warranted her removal from the classroom. The student disagreed and remained in her seat, refusing to leave.

Now, let’s stop here for a second. Was she wrong not to get up and leave? Sure she was. She was told to do something and she didn’t do it. A teenage girl refusing to do what she was told? WOW! Now, there’s a news story. That never happens. Those South Carolina teen girls must be different than the teen girls everywhere else because the others are never belligerent. Never refuse authority. Never think they are being treated unfairly or feel like they know better than the adults around them. Am I right?

The little heathen.

So, okay, back to the story. This crazy alien teenage creature who refuses to do what she is told to do is now subject to the teacher having called in the school resource officer. School resource officer tells her to leave the classroom.

Let’s break here again. Okay, now we have an officer telling her to leave. Again, this teenager does something that’s absolutely unheard of – she remains stubborn. She stands her ground and refuses to budge. Was she right to do that? Nope. Was she defying authority? Yep.

Back to the story.

Here’s where the resource officer has to make a choice. And here’s where the division line is drawn between how people see the incident. What should he have done in this situation? There are many theories on that. But here’s what he did do.

He put the child – the CHILD – in a choke hold and slammed her to the ground. He then threw her body forward to the front of the classroom (breaking her arm in the process, for the record) and pinned her to the ground and put her in handcuffs.

W. T. F., man?

And here’s the kicker – it looks like our country is divided on whether or not he did the right thing here. Did the right thing? Again, W. T. F., man? How on Earth is what this officer did, the right thing?

See, here’s what some will tell you. “By Gawd, if I’d have behaved like that with my teacher or any adult for that matter, my teacher and parents woulda whooped my ass.”

Ahhhhh. The “I’d have gotten my ass whooped for that” defense. That’s my favorite. You know why it’s my favorite? A few reasons actually. Number one – it’s a downright lie. Nobody got their “asses whooped” nearly as much as they claimed to. But number two? It falls right there in the category of that other defense I love – “We’ve always done it this way.” Yep, kids used to get paddled in school (hey, I was one of them). And yep, kids used to get the hell beat out of them at home on occasion. I get it. But you know what? That was then. People were IDIOTS.

You don’t fight fire with fire.

See, there’s this thing called evolution. Whoa now. Simmer down there, right wing Christians, I’m not talking about that evolution. I’m talking about humans evolving. Learning. Growing. Moving forward. Lots of things have changed. We don’t have slavery anymore. Women can vote. You know? Change? Evolvement? Thankfully, that’s what is happening in our world. And this whole beating the hell out of a child when they do wrong is one of those things that we used to do that was WRONG.

It was wrong. It didn’t work.

Let me tell you what happened to me when I was a teenager. I ran my mouth like nobody’s business. I know that’s probably hard to believe, but alas – ’tis true. I gave my mom a run for her money, that’s the truth. And did she beat the hell out of me? No. Sure, I got spanked when I was little – I’m not talking about that. I’m talking about when I was a full-grown (physically, that is) teenager standing in front of her running my smart mouth. What did she do? She took things away from me. She grounded me. She took away my privileges. I wasn’t allowed to go places, wasn’t allowed to talk on the phone, etc.

Did it work?

Sometimes. Sometimes not.

But you know what happened? I GREW UP. I became a functional, successful adult. I still run my mouth, but she’s proud of me for it now because I’m usually saying something that others may not have the courage to say. I run my mouth on this blog. I run my mouth in short stories that have been published with Chicken Soup for the Soul. I run my mouth in my own self-published book of essays. I’m currently running my mouth in a novel that I will have published next year.

I run my mouth.

And that’s a good thing.

Because my mom raised me the way she did, I don’t fear running my mouth. Yes, I suffered slight consequences for it at times when I was being disobedient. But she didn’t completely kill my desire to stand up for myself and speak my mind. And now? Now, I’m an adult who is proud to stand up for what she believes is right.

Did my mom do the world a disservice? Hmmm….I guess that depends on who you ask. But if you’re asking me? Hell no, she didn’t. She made me who I am and I am proud of it. I’m not afraid to be me.

Back to Shakara in South Carolina.

Something the world didn’t know at the time of this incident…something that resource officer probably didn’t know…is this. Shakara just lost her mother and grandmother. No, this doesn’t excuse her actions as some might be quick to point out. But you know what? It explains them. And see, that’s what happens when you actually take the time to know someone’s story before you immediately jump in there and try to take control.

You can’t fight fire with fire.

Fire needs water. Fire needs soothing. It needs the opposite of what it is to put it out. Adding fire to a flame makes it burn brighter. Makes it do more damage. This young girl in South Carolina was damaged. And now? Now she’s damaged in a much more profound way.

Where is the love, people? Seriously. Where is it?

Where is the empathy? Where is the tenderness? Where is the understanding? What are we turning our children into by throwing them across a room when they test their bounds? I’ll tell you what we’re turning them into. We’re turning them into the cold, heartless creatures that are treating them that way. So many will say that “this is what is wrong with the world today” – that children are not “punished” for their actions. But I’m going to disagree.

This is what is wrong with the world today – a lack of empathy. This whole “shoot first, ask questions later” wave that seems to be sweeping the nation these days….that is what is wrong with this world.

But hey – what do I know, right? I’m just a loudmouth redhead who didn’t get the hell beat out of her for speaking her mind. So, here I am. Just another opinion among the crowd. But I can tell you one thing – I’m proud of the person my mother raised. And I’m proud of the people I’m raising.

No child of mine is going to be afraid to speak their mind. And I wish I could say the same for all of the children out there. This situation is a shame. A crying shame. Not just what happened – but the fact that so many out there agree with it.

I’m so sorry that Shakara will not know the world that my children know.

***

“If we desire a society of peace, then we cannot achieve such a society through violence.”
– Bayard Rustin

***

Posted by Melissa Edmondson. Categories: Freestyle Writings/Musings. Tags: abuse, blog, blogging, change, children, classroom incident, current events, inspiration, inspirational, motivation, motivational, op ed, opinion, police brutality, punishment, Shakara, South Carolina classroom, South Carolina police officer, violence, writer, writing. 5 Comments

Oct. ’15

Silly Kid Quotes #12

“Children are remarkable for their intelligence and ardour, for their curiosity, their intolerance of shames, the clarity and ruthlessness of their vision.”
– Aldous Huxley

Funny kiddo time again.

This is a precious brother/sister moment from my son’s exploratory surgery last year. Gets ya right in the feels, man.