While I’m posting a few older things to get my blog started, I decided to blow the dust off of some old poetry.  Here are a few from over the years.

***

Silence

Nothingness.
Quiet.
Confusion.
Silence.

Memories begin to drift back to the noise…
Back to the happiness, the lights, the sounds, the laughter
Spinning around at top speed on a merry-go-round
Filled with smiles and laughing children and chirping birds
“Tickets, get your tickets!”
Come ride the ride!

Then suddenly…silence.

Where did it go?
Was it even real?

I want my money back.

***

Acting

My passion.
The feel of the hot lights on my face –
The way my heart beats wildly just before the curtain rises –
The adrenaline rush.

My escape.
Reality takes a back seat for two short hours –
Life’s problems are forgotten –
I am no longer me.

Scenes and emotions swirl around me
I get lost in the drama, the melodies;
Dilemmas are solved,
Everyone is satisfied –
Happily ever after.

Not like the real world at all.

***

Aspiration

You keep me going.
You make sure I take just one more step
Go that one extra mile
Take that final leap.
(You are responsible for all that!)
You fill my heart with music –
My mind with phrases –
My pen with energy.
What would I be without you?
Who would I be without you?

Ode to the dreams that have not yet faded…

***

Children

Tiny little beating hearts
Eyes so bright and blue
Courage bigger than themselves
Tested, tried and true.
Little lessons to be learned
Wisdom we can’t know
Spirits soaring far beyond
Any point adults can go.
Little professors of innocence
Messengers sent our way
To remind us of the importance
Of holding on to today.

***

Beginning

Where is this place I’ve come to?
Brand new scenery all around
Nothing seems familiar
Brand new walls that surround.
I’m here by my own making
Decisions made for the best
Moving on from something dying
Lying old memories down to rest.
I make my way through empty halls
Hearing echoes where once was sound
I struggle to keep my head held high
To keep my weary feet on the ground
Conflicting emotions well up inside me
As I adjust to being alone
Knowing somehow I do belong here
Yet missing what once was home.

***

Forgotten Mistress

I am looking in the window-
Standing on tiptoe to see-
Watching the life go on inside
The life that doesn’t include me
I see the family that loves him
The woman who will always welcome him home
I see the good times that abound
As I stand here all alone.
I wonder, Does he see me
Out of the corner of his eye?
Am I included in his vision
As the walls keep me outside?
Am I the secret no one mentions-
The dirty reminder of his fall?
Or have I already been forgotten
Not even thought about at all?
I know that I should turn away
From this sight I cannot bear to see
From watching the life go on inside
The life that doesn’t include me.
But yet, I stand here waiting
For that invitation I will never receive
And I’ll remain outside this window
Until I can find the strength to leave.

***

Moment

When years have passed
And memories fade into dreams
I will remember this moment.

When the world has forgotten that the two of us ever existed,
Or that our paths had ever even crossed,
This moment will be etched in my memory.

When my life moves forward in one direction
And yours moves on in another
This moment will connect us.

Through space, time, distance
Through love, tears, sadness
Through beginnings, through endings –
This moment shall not fade.

***

Unreachable

Have you ever tried to climb a tree with no branches?
Oh, it is the most frustrating thing!
You know that reaching the top would be wonderful –
So many awesome possibilities –
So much possible potential –
Such a beautiful view!
But how do you get up there when there are no branches –
No stepping stones along the way –
No one to help you?
You begin to think . . . maybe this tree isn’t meant to be climbed.
Maybe I’m not ready just yet.
Maybe I should just admire the view from the ground for a while.
After all, who knows?
Maybe there is another tree just around the bend.
It may not be as majestic and beautiful…
But it probably has branches.
Maybe, just maybe
It will even bend down to help me up.
Maybe it’s time to move on.

Good-bye to old unattainable dreams.
Hello to new, realistic ones.

I spend countless hours searching.
Searching.
What am I looking for?
What will make it feel right?
The right lamp?
The right chair?
The right walls?
The right town?
The right state?
I search for these things and these places
To make me complete
To make me belong

To be a Home.

But then I remember.
I am not like the others.
I am not content with the right furniture
With the right decor
With the right accessories.
I’m not content with ‘things’ at all.
Things change.
Things adapt.
Things are not constant.

‘I’ am not constant.

I’m a gypsy.
I’m a vagabond.
So, where do I find my stability?
How can I remain grounded when I’m so driven to move –
To change –
To adapt –
To run?

Then….

In walk my children.
An email arrives from my dear friend.
I look around the room and see pictures of my sisters.
My brother.
I move my sweet, yet annoying, cat out from under my feet.

Ahhh.
Now I remember.

It doesn’t matter where I am.
Or what I’m surrounded by.

The temporary homesickness subsides.

When my analytical mind starts to forget,
In walks my heart to remind me.

I am home.

~ 02/18/11 ~

(I wrote this on February 22, 2011, after one of my many outpatient cervical cancer treatments. I had a hysterectomy in July 2011 to finally end my two-year bout with this sickness.)

Solitary Journey

I walk in alone.

Take a deep breath, pretend I am strong,
Grit my teeth,
Endure.

I walk out alone.
I drive home alone.
I’m a grownup now.  I can do this.

I am strong.

I walk in my empty house
I sit on my couch
Alone.

I do not need anyone else.

I am strong.

Time passes.
Clock ticks.
Self-pity increases.
Lonliness consumes.

Then….

A sound pierces the silence –
the phone rings.

Someone remembered.
Sigh of relief.

Hi Daddy.

***

I remember the day I was told
He was coming into my world
I remember shortly later looking down
At that red head filled with curls.

I remember that happy little smile
That graced strangers and friends the same
A sweet little bundle of innocence
Proudly carrying his uncle’s name.

I remember looking down at that little guy
The little toddler who held no fear
My passionate little chatter box
Full of stories for all who cared to hear.

He knew no stranger, that boy of mine
And wanted to be friends with them all
I always wondered how a heart so big
Could fit in a boy so small.

Soon time began to take its toll
And my little boy began to find his own way
School, friends, and sporting events
Began to fill the hours of the day.

Gone were the days of snuggling
And the one-on-one mommy time
Instead was a little independent guy
With other things filling his mind.

So…gone are the trains and the legos
Gone are the mountains of toys.
I look over now at this young man
Who stands in the place of that little boy.

And strangely, though I see the changes
In this boy standing taller than me
I still see glimpses here and there
Of that little guy he used to be.

And though it’s hard to see him grow
To watch as he slowly turns into a man
He will always be that curly-headed little boy
Who stole my heart with one touch of his hand.

~ 5/25/11 ~