My blog hit 1,000 views today.
1,000 views. Wow.
(Granted, I could have just one fan out there who has read this stuff 1,000 times. And if so, thank you, crazy person.)
But seriously, I do want to thank each and every one of you who have taken the time to read this mess. Like Ernest Hemingway put it, “There is nothing to writing. All you do is sit down at a typewriter and bleed.” There’s more truth to that than many people may realize.
A friend of mine recently passed away. The last conversation I had with her – in fact the very last thing she ever said to me before she passed – was in relation to my blog. She said, “I admire that you put yourself out there like you do. I have trouble showing vulnerability like that.” That has stayed in my mind and I’ve thought about that many times since she has been gone. I’ve asked myself if this is something that I really should be doing – should I be writing this stuff? Should I lay my heart out on my sleeve like I do and show people how flawed, sad, happy, terrified, proud, crazy, and just plain human I really am?
And all I keep coming back to is…yes. Yes, I should.
Because one thousand views later, I’m thinking there may be something in here that resonates with others too. Maybe I’m not so different than other people, after all. Maybe I’m just more willing to put myself on public display.
And I wonder why that is? What makes me so darn willing to do that?
Maybe it all just comes down to this. Georgia O’Keefe said it best, I think, when she said, “I’ve been absolutely terrified every moment of my life, and I’ve never let it stop me from doing a single thing that I’ve wanted to do.”
That is me.
I’m a risk taker. I know that I only get one go-around and I figure I might as well live while I’m here. If you know me, you know I’m also an actress. I’ve been regularly acting since I was a teenager. And in all those years, there has still never been one single opening moment in a show that I haven’t had butterflies in my stomach and felt my hands shaking so bad I was afraid the audience would notice. And hitting the “publish” button on this blog every time I write something evokes that exact same response. It’s absolutely terrifying to lay yourself out there for the world to see. To “bleed” as Hemingway put it. But it’s necessary. I can’t rest until I do. I can’t feel like I’m me until I’ve said what I need to say and allowed this creativity inside me to come out in some form of expression – whether it be in a performance or in written word. It has to escape. I have no choice.
And I thank each and every one reading this now for your acceptance of that. Because, really, without an “audience,” why perform? Thank you for being there.
And I especially want to send a special shout-out to my biggest fan of all: my mom. She doesn’t have a computer and has never actually seen this site. But I print out every single one of them and mail them to her. And she provides me with such positive feedback that it makes me feel like I can do anything I ever wanted to do.
“The whole motivation for any performer is ‘Look at me, Ma.'” – Lenny Bruce
So, thanks for looking, Ma.
Thank you all. I look forward to watching this blog continue to grow and expand and hope each of you continue to come along for the ride. It would be awfully lonely without you.