Tag Archives: relationships

11

Mar. ’13

Cemetery

“The only people without problems are those in cemeteries.”
– Anthony Robbins

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(Photo above is taken at one of my favorite places – an old, somewhat abandoned graveyard on Round House Road in Grayson County, Virginia.)

I like cemeteries.

I know.  Weird, right?  But I do.  I always have.  And I got it honest.  I remember my daddy and I going to cemeteries and just walking through them in silence.  Not really saying anything, not even discussing what the heck we were doing there or why, but just walking around, reading the stones.  I’m not really sure what he was thinking (hmmm…maybe I should ask), but I know what I was thinking.  I was inventing lives for the people in my head.  I was looking at the time differences between the deaths of couples and wondering what it was like for the survivor during the interim.  Wondering how often they sat at that very spot visiting the grave where they are now buried themselves.  Wondering if the death of their loved one changed them…made them live life differently after that, with more of a purpose or awareness of how it could all end at any time.

Yep, all that stuff went through my head even as a child.  I’ve always been weird.

Well, this weekend I found myself drawn back to the same abandoned cemetery that I seem to be drawn to a lot lately.  I hadn’t been there in a while because of the winter weather, so it was nice to visit again.  It’s almost like visiting an old friend in a way.  For some reason, no matter how down or low I’m feeling, I find myself feeling better when I’m surrounded by these graves.  How weird is that?  Sitting there, I wondered that very thing – why in the world does being around these seemingly forgotten graves make me feel at peace?  Then, it dawned on me.

I was surrounded by silence.

Hmmm.  Mystery solved.

I’m drawn to this particular spot because I’m forced into silence.  There’s no one to talk to, no one to listen to, no need to put on airs or be someone I’m not.  I can just be me in the stillness.  I can cry if I want.  I can smile.  I can feel nothing.  It’s all accepted.  I’m surrounded by spirits of those who have gone before me.  Those who have felt all of those feelings before and will never have the chance to feel them again.  I’m allowed to just be; to feel whatever I want, and know that I’m blessed to do so, and will not be judged.  I can be reminded that, unlike my unknown companions, I am still alive.  My heart is still beating.  There is still time to say the things that need to be said, time to apologize for any wrongdoings, or, in some cases, to just learn to simply let things be.  In the stillness, surrounded by my silent audience, I can say my goodbyes.  Not for anyone else’s sake, but for my own.  I can let go.

Then, the real world starts tapping on my shoulder, and I realize it’s time to leave.

I pick myself up; dust myself off; bid my silent friends a quiet farewell; and go back to the hustle and bustle that I call my life.

megraveblog

***

“Cemeteries are full of unfulfilled dreams… countless echoes of ‘could have’ and ‘should have’… countless books unwritten… countless songs unsung… I want to live my life in such a way that when my body is laid to rest, it will be a well needed rest from a life well lived, a song well sung, a book well written, opportunities well explored, and a love well expressed.”
– Steve Maraboli

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09

Mar. ’13

Stronger

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This is the back of the shirt that my son and I got at a 5k race we ran in this morning in honor of Leigh Cooper Wallace, a local hero who passed away a few months ago from complications resulting from pneumonia.  As the race director described it, this was a race “in memory of her compassion and generosity, her service to this community, her incredible strength, her support of young athletes, and her encouragement for all people to pursue a healthy lifestyle.”  They put together this first annual race to honor the “incredible example she set, so that we may continue to live life as fully as she did.”

I didn’t have the pleasure of knowing Leigh Cooper Wallace personally, but I can’t help but be influenced by the example she set.  She went through a lot in her short lifetime (most notably being that she was a kidnap/rape survivor), and she used her story to teach others to become fighters – to not let circumstances defeat you, no matter how tempting it might be to give up.

I couldn’t help but be aware of the timing of this race for me personally.

Although I am doing great and getting tougher every day, I do still have my moments.  I’ve had a rough couple of months.  I’ve lost more than one friend to various circumstances, including my very best friend who I miss every single day, and that’s not something that is very easy to bounce back from.  But I’ve been trying.  And as part of the trying, I’ve been pushing myself harder with my running.  If you’re not a runner, it’s hard to explain to you what running does to you.  I know there’s something chemical to it – endorphins and whatnot.  But it’s more than that.  So much more.  It’s a way to measure your ability to endure.  To teach yourself not to give up just because things start getting a little tough – but to push through.  Push through.  Even when you think you can’t keep going, you can.  Yes, there are going to be tough spots and yes, you may have to allow yourself to slow down a little to make it.  But you will make it. Push through.  Endure. Stay strong.

So, not only did I proudly run today with those thoughts in my mind, but I managed to achieve my own personal record.  I’m not a fast runner, by any stretch of the imagination, but I was a lot faster today than the old me ever was.  I managed to fall under the 30-minute mark and ran the race in 29:42.  It has been my goal for a very long time to break 30 minutes and I did it today – on one of of the toughest 5k courses I’ve ever run.

So, how about that?  Here I am.  My first race in this “new life” and I’m starting off with a bang.

Turns out I really am stronger than I think.   Thank you for the reminder, Leigh.

***

“As I get older I see that running has changed for me.  What used to be about burning calories is now more about burning up what is false.  Lies I used to tell myself about who I was and what I could do, friendships that cannot withstand hills or miles, the approval I no longer need to seek and solidarity that cannot bear silence.  I run to burn up what I don’t need and ignite what I do.”
~ Kristin Armstrong

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*Note: Here’s a link if you’d like to read more about what an amazing woman Leigh Cooper Wallace was: 

http://www2.wataugademocrat.com/News/story/Local-runner-coach-Leigh-Wallace-dies-id-009923

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08

Mar. ’13

Scars

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I have scars.  A bunch of them.

The most notable one, though, is this one particular disgusting surgery scar on my stomach.  Oh, it’s hideous, let me tell ya.  It never healed correctly – busted open a few times and had to be reattended to and whatnot.  Anyway, the end result was a discolored, 1/2-inch wide, 8-inch long monstrosity that covers my entire torso.  Ewww.

But you know what’s kinda funny about that?  I barely ever remember that it’s there.

Isn’t that weird?  I have this hideous “thing” that is probably the first thing people’s eyes are drawn to if they see my stomach; and yet I, the person who looks at it everyday, hardly see it anymore.

Which, of course, got me to thinking.  (As just about everything seems to do these days…)  Isn’t it strange that I have this glaring obvious scar right there in the mirror that I barely notice, and yet I spend so much time looking at and concentrating on the scars that aren’t so visible?  Those are the ones that I try to “hide.”  The ones that I feel are obvious to the world and that I spend so much senseless time worrying about and trying to gloss over.

But that’s just silly.

“There is something beautiful about all scars of whatever nature.  A scar means the hurt is over, the wound is closed and healed, done with.” – Harry Crews

It’s those invisible scars that seem to bother us the most, isn’t it?  But like the above quote says, the hurt is over.  It’s over.  Let yourself ponder that for a second.  Yes, the healing process may still be taking place, but the actual hurt – the actual inflicting of pain – is gone.  That step is behind us.  Isn’t that awesome?

I defeated the cancer that caused all of the scars on the outside of my body, so I will also defeat any and everything that comes along and causes the inner scars.  Scars are proof of victory.  I have been victorious before, and I will be victorious now.

And I have a feeling that someone out there reading this right now might have needed to hear this too.  The pain is over, the scars remain – but we are the champions.  Don’t let yourself forget that.

Fight on, my friend.

***

“Out of suffering have emerged the strongest souls;
the most massive characters are seared with scars.”
– Khalil Gibran

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02

Mar. ’13

What if?

bekind

My heart is heavy this morning.

One of my facebook friends (someone who I just had a notable interaction with last week – and who inspired one of my blogs), passed away yesterday.  And from what I understand, she passed away from circumstances (possibly accidental) that resulted in her ending her own life.

(Now, let me just stop here.  I do sometimes think that I shouldn’t blog about something this serious.  But, as I said when I first started this blog and put in my “About My Junk” section that describes this page, this is going to be a “blog about life.”  This is part of life.  And that’s what this entry is going to be about. Life.)

Whether you know a person well or not, when you hear news like this it tends to stop you in your tracks. It makes you look around your own world and ‘take stock,’ so to speak.  It makes you value each and every breath your body is taking in and exhaling out.  It makes you want to grab everyone you love and tell them so.  It makes you want to grab strangers on the street and tell them that they’re loved.  It makes you want to fall down on your knees and thank your God for another day on this earth.

And if it doesn’t make you feel all those things – well, it should.

And you know what else it should make you do?  It should make you be kind to people.  All people.

How do you know that you wouldn’t be that one smiling face that someone would have needed to see – that you wouldn’t hold that one kind word that someone might have needed to hear?

Yesterday I got into an argument with a stranger in the middle of the street. Nope – not kidding.  True story.  It was over who had the right of way when we almost hit each other.  Now, granted – this  person started getting testy with me first (I’m not generally a ‘road rage’ kind of gal), but I could have easily just apologized profusely, smiled, and went on with my day.  But nope.  In typical Melissa fashion, I argued my point and both of us ‘left the scene’ in anger.  And until today, it really hadn’t crossed my mind again.

But now – here it is.

I don’t even know that person!  What if?  You know?  What if that person was just coming home from a funeral?  A chemo treatment?  Taking care of an aging parent?  A dying relative?  What if they had a drug  problem?  An alcohol problem?  What if…

What if they were on their way home to end it all?  What if I could have given the one smile – the one kind word – that would have changed that?

Dramatic?  Maybe.

Maybe not.

What if you, unknowingly, have been the last person someone interacted with before they were gone?  Let that sink in for a minute.

Now, I’m not saying that there should be guilt or that you could have changed anything.  But what if your face – your attitude – was the last display of humanity that someone ever witnessed?

Ouch.

I’m not preaching here.  By no means.  These blog entries are just as much for me as they are for anyone else.  I just know that I need to do better.  Do you?

My heart goes out to the family and friends during this loss.  I know their next few days will be filled with confusion and grief beyond anything they’ve ever known.  I happen to know a little bit about the subject myself.

In closing, I want to post a poem I wrote on another sad March day a few years ago when our family went through this kind of loss.

Poem for Mike
I sat down with pen and paper
To pour out this grief I feel
To try to find the rhyme and reason
And to make this all seem real.
But I just cannot find the words
To move this useless pen
No poem or song could ever explain
Why your life had to end.
What phrase could mend these broken hearts-
What rhyme could make sense of it all?
The pain is too large to comprehend
And my words – they are too small.
I hope you have found that peace, my friend-
That illusion you were seeking to find
While the remaining trudge through the confusion
In this world you’ve left behind.

Hold on to each other tight, folks.  Reach out.  Know what you have.  Look around you – and know it.  Feel it.  Appreciate it.

We truly are the lucky ones.

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28

Feb. ’13

Passion

passion

“Passion is energy. Feel the power that comes from focusing on what excites you.”
– Oprah Winfrey

Passion.

Don’t you just love that word?  Just saying it makes me happy.

(And no, I’m not getting ready to blog about romantic passion.  Blech.  If you noticed a few blogs ago, I’m checking that crap at the door for a while.)

No, this blog is about the good stuff.  Real passion.  Lasting passion.  The kind that once you truly discover it and recognize it, never ever goes away.  (Quite UN-like romantic passion, actually).  You can silence it at times, maybe even ignore it for a while, but it’s not gone.  Ever.  It’s always there waiting for you to pay attention to it, and to act on it.  And somehow you’re never truly satisfied until you do.

I’m talking about the things that move you.  The things that when you’re doing them, you’re transported away from everything else.  Other problems take a hike, and for a brief moment in time, you are fully and completely…YOU.

About a month ago, when I was going through some of the hardest, darkest times of my recent breakup and accompanying issues, I woke up one morning with an odd thought.  Rather than waking up sad like I had been for the few weeks prior (Man, I was such a big baby…), I actually woke up with a strong motivational thought.  Amid all the sadness and chaos, and seemingly out of nowhere, this thought dawned on me:  I am SO lucky to have passions.  And not even just one.  I act, I run, and I write.  And all three of those things are true passions.  They make me me.  When I’m doing any of them, I’m not worrying about anything else in my life.  I lose myself in them, and yet I find myself at the same time.  Strange how that works.

It’s so important to have those passions and to act on them.  If you’re reading this right now, I know something pops into your mind.  Maybe it’s not the same as mine.  Maybe yours is drawing. Or dancing. Or gardening. Or playing the ukulele – I don’t know.  But whatever it is – DO it!  Lose yourself!

Just do me a favor, okay?

Make sure you don’t fall into the trap that I’ve fallen into many many times in the past – don’t let another person become your passion.  That’s so so dangerous.  A quote by Joseph Addison on that topic:

“Admiration is a very short-lived passion that immediately decays upon growing familiar with its object.”

Romantic passions are temporary.  You can try with all your heart (trust me, I know), but they aren’t going to fill the void that exists in you for that true passion.  The one that is all about you.  That one that makes you feel complete, without the help of another human being.

Because, you see – the only person that will remain permanently in your life is you.

I’m not trying to be a Debbie Downer here with that statement.  Not at all.  Just trying to make you (and me) realize that if you’re going to pour your heart and soul into something…make sure it’s something concrete and stable.  Something that won’t unexpectedly disappear on you.  That can never be another human being.

And hey, I know I don’t know anything.  I’m floating around out here on this sea searching for life rafts just like the rest of you.  But I’ve noticed lately that the life rafts I start clinging to that don’t require the involvement of another person, those are the ones that seem to do the best job of keeping me afloat.  I guess what I’m trying to say here is that I’m discovering that my true refuge – my safe haven, if you will – is me.

And that’s kind of awesome when you think about it.  Because I know I am not going to let me down.

So.  Find your passions and do them.  Save yourself.

Right now.

Go!

***

Next time I’ll be braver
I’ll be my own savior
Standing on my own two feet.
– Adele, Turning Tables lyrics

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27

Feb. ’13

Allowed to Breathe

selfish 5

Oh, if I had a dollar for everytime I’ve heard that lately…

Now, when I first started hearing it, I was worried.  I was afraid that I was letting circumstances get to me and turn me into someone I’m not.  But now that a little more time has passed, I’m starting to realize that it’s actually quite the opposite.  Yes, the circumstances are getting to me.  But they are actually turning me into someone I AM.  And, as it turns out, some people don’t really like that.  But you know what?

I do.

See, I’ve always been a people pleaser.  I think a lot of us are like that really.  It’s just easier to go with the flow…”Oh, it doesn’t matter where we eat – you choose”  “No, it’s ok if you have other plans, I didn’t really need anyone to go with me anyway – I’ll go alone.” “Oh, there’s only one [insert item here] left?  Sure, you take it, I didn’t want it anyway.”  Ya know, stuff like that.  And to an extent, that’s a great way to be (especially for us mommies – it’s ingrained in us.)  But if you’re not careful, those little things start turning into bigger things.  “Oh, you think I’m not a good person?  Well, since I’m so used to deferring to your judgment, you must be right about that.  So, I’m going to believe what you say.”

That, my friend, is not cool.

And sometimes, something happens in your life that shakes you up.  It makes you start realizing that maybe, just maybe, you have slipped over into that mindset.  And you start thinking that maybe you need to do something about that.

For me, that time is now.

Now, don’t get me wrong.  I understand fully where my naysayers are coming from.  I’ve been there myself.  I’ve watched the non-people pleasers before and may have had those same thoughts – that they’re being selfish by putting themselves first.

Oooh.  Now, there’s the magic word, isn’t it?  Selfish.  (Yep – I’ve been hearing that one a lot lately too.)

And here’s one of my favorite things I’ve seen on that topic:

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Let that sink in for a minute.

What good are you to anyone else if you’re not strong enough?  If you’re not allowed to breathe?

Are you really helping anyone by always staying in the background, by taking the crumbs that are left behind rather than jumping in there and getting a full piece of bread for yourself?  You absolutely HAVE to find out who you are, what you want, what you like – and then DO IT.  You never know who you might inspire by doing just that.  And isn’t that what we’re really here for?  To help each other?  To let our short little wisp of time here serve as an example?  How do you want to be remembered?

And on that note, to counter the naysayers, I’ve also received some compliments that have surprised me.  I’ve had people that I didn’t even think ever paid any attention to me or knew me at all, send me messages that I am inspiring them with how I’ve started writing and how I’m showing others that they’re not alone through those writings.  Those are the people that I’m choosing to listen to.  The ones who have told me that I’ve changed probably are just the ones that aren’t benefitting from the way I used to be.  And you know what?  I’m not sorry about that.  Not one little bit.

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So, who are you choosing to please today?

Or better yet  –  who are you giving your oxygen mask to?  Hmmm?

Become who you are.  No more living in others’ shadows.  Got it?

***

It may be hard for an egg to turn into a bird: but it would be a jolly sight harder for it to learn to fly while remaining an egg.
We are like eggs at present. And you cannot go on indefinitely being just an ordinary, decent egg.
We must be hatched or go bad.
– C.S. Lewis

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26

Feb. ’13

Loyalty

loyalty2

Man, that is a STRONG word.

I struggled over writing this blog.  I try to keep the things that I write on a general level.  I don’t call out specific names of anyone I may be speaking of, etc.   Of course, if you know me, you know who I’m referring to in my last breakup, who my children are when I refer to them, who my family is, things like that.  But for the most part, this blog is just a general compilation of stories and life lessons that I’m trying to pick up along the line.  Healing through my pen, I guess you can say.

This entry will be no different.

However, a few things in my life lately have brought up this touchy, sensitive, ever-important subject of loyalty.

Do we even know what that word means anymore?  Well, here’s how MacMillan Dictionary defines it:

Loyalty (noun):
support that you always give to
someone or something because of your
feelings of duty and love towards them.

You know what stuck out to me in that definition?  The word “always.”

Always.

How many people in your life can you think of that you always support simply because of your feelings of duty and love towards them?  If you’re like me, you probably want to shout out a list of names and defend your own loyalty to the death.  But really.  I want you to think about this.

When a friend asks a favor of you, or asks you to do something because it means something to them, have you ever tried to talk them out of it because you thought they were just being silly?  Be honest.  Have you?  Or have you refused to do it altogether because you disagreed with them, or because you may have just had your own personal reasons for just not wanting to do it?  I have.  I’ll admit it.  I’ve let my own ego get in the way at times.  We all have.  Or, have you given unwarranted advice to someone?  Told them that you think how they are behaving or what they are doing is “wrong.”  I’m guilty of this one too.  I have acted like I know better than they do and that they are just confused or being childish, and tried to ‘lead them down the right path’ and give them what I thought to be helpful advice and guidance.

But having been on the receiving end of this lately has caused me to put some serious thought into it.  Is that behavior showing loyalty?  Is it?

I think maybe it’s just being bossy.

I found this picture in doing my (limited) research for this loyalty blog:

loyalty

Wow.  Think about that.  Really think about it.  What’s more important to you?  Being “clever” and “wise” and spouting off all of your possibly unwanted knowledge to someone about how much better they can be by behaving a different way?  Or maintaining a friendship by just showing support and loyalty, and believing that they, like you, also have a brain.  They may be in troubled times, may even be a little misdirected at times, but they know better than you do about what they need for their life.  Before showing “tough love,” ask yourself where that tough love is coming from.  Is it coming from a true place of love and concern, or is it just wanting to boost your own ego and show your own cleverness by showing how much more you know than they do?

Rather than trying to impart your own principles, morals, ethics, etc., on someone else, how about just be a friend?  Ya know?  Show loyalty and support.  Just be there.  Do whatever it takes to help them – by doing what they need, not what you think you should do.  Sometimes you need to “do unto others” as they ask you to.  Not as you deem fitting.

Put ego aside.  That’s all I’m asking.  If they ask you for help, give them what they ask for.  Be loyal.  And if they don’t ask for help?  Just hold their hand and be quiet.  Sometimes that might just be all they need.

And if you can’t do that?  Then maybe, just maybe, it might be time to move along.

“Our prime purpose in this life is to help others. And if you can’t help them, at least don’t hurt them.”
– Dalai Lama

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25

Feb. ’13

Uphill Both Ways

“When I was your age, we had to walk to school uphill both ways…”
– Every Older Person There Ever Was

Yesterday I ran a route that I’ve been wanting to run ever since I started running.  There hasn’t been much of a reason why I haven’t done it yet.  At first, I wasn’t ready for it (physically or mentally); then I wanted to wait for a special occasion on the calendar (all of which came and went); then it was Winter, etc. etc. etc.  Not sure why I put it off as long as I did.  But yesterday, without even any true destination in mind, I put my running clothes on, hopped in the car, and just drove.  I ended up here:

houseedit

This is the house that is still standing in the Potato Creek community in Virginia, where my grandpa was born and raised.  He passed away in February of last year.

He wasn’t much of a talker when he was with us.  Very quiet – filled with secrets.  But my grandmother filled in the gaps.  Through her, I’ve heard about the house he grew up in and have learned about the hilly path he had to walk on to school and back and everyday.  I’ve driven this path many times, but ever since I became a runner, I have always wanted to run it.  It’s not that far to me now (a little more than four miles), but when I first started running, I knew I wasn’t ready for that distance.  And distance wasn’t really the issue anyway.  Holy crap, is that thing hilly!  But I kept telling myself that one day I would be ready to run it.  Turns out, yesterday was the day.

This may have been one of my favorite runs ever.  It may sound crazy, but a part of me felt like my Pa-Paw was actually running with me.  I’m not sure he cared for the Kelly Clarkson, Pink, and Cee Lo Green that was busting out of my headphones, but nonetheless, I think he kept up.  In fact, I think he probably passed me a few times.  Especially on those dang hills!  Did I mention there were hills?  (From now on, when an older person tells me they walked uphill to school both ways, I’m not questioning that statement. I just found out for myself!)

hilledit

But man, were those hills beautiful.  The whole route was beautiful.  For a little less than an hour, I stopped thinking, stopped feeling, stopped obsessing, and just ran with my grandpa.

The old school that he went to is no longer standing.  From what I understand, it burned down years ago (long after it was no longer used as a school and was just being used as a barn for local farmland).  After the run, I went and looked at the area a little and this was the only remnants of the school that I found:

school

Here’s a view of the whole area where the school stood:

school2

And still standing (and still in operation on occasion) just beside the old school land is the church that he attended – Potato Creek Church.  Such a beautiful old place that holds many many memories, I’m sure.

churchedit

And since I’m sharing pictures, I have to share one last one.  Now, I can’t remember – did I mention that this run was hilly?  HOLY COW, it was hilly.  And at one point, I kid you not, I saw something painted on the road that cracked me up.  I’m convinced that someone else before me tried to run this thing and happened to be carrying a can of spray paint along with them on thier run:

roadfaceedit

I feel ya, fellow runner.  That’s exactly how I felt too!

So, anyway, this blog is not going to be like most of my others.  I usually try to wrap up with some type of life lesson that I’ve learned from some experience.  But nope.  Not this time.  I just wanted to tell you about a run with my grandpa that I finally took the time to do.  A run where I cleared my mind, appreciated the scenery, traveled back in time in my mind to try to experience what it had been like for my ancestors before me.  You know – just took a break from everything else and appreciated who I was and where I came from.

Hmmm.  Maybe there’s a life lesson to be learned in this after all.

Thanks for the run, Pa-Paw.

Posted by . Categories: Freestyle Writings/Musings, Running. Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , . 1 Comment

22

Feb. ’13

Here Goes Nothin’…. (Literally)

“One of the cruelest, most selfish things you can do to another human being is to use them to fill a void. Having learned this the hard way by being on the receiving end, I vow to never ever do that to anyone myself. The cycle ends at me. The next person I am with will get the full, complete version of me, and will not have to live in another’s shadow. This may take years to achieve. So be it. Until you are complete, you have nothing to give to anyone else. Remember that, and this world will be a happier place.” ~ Me

I put the above quote as my Facebook status message shortly after my recent breakup.  And I’ve been giving it a lot of thought lately.  I think it’s time to put my money where my mouth is.

As most of you probably know, I absolutely unashamedly adore Elizabeth Gilbert, the author of Eat Pray Love.  I love her wisdom, her wit, her knack for seeing beyond the surface of things and discerning a lesson from the hard times.  I adore her writings and am not ashamed to admit that I base my own stuff on her style and technique.  I suppose you could say she’s my mentor (even though we’ve never met).  Well, part of my obsession with Elizabeth Gilbert is my love of the movie Eat Pray Love that was made from her book of the same title, starring Julia Roberts.  If you haven’t seen this before, and you know me at all, I’m not sure how we’re friends.  I’ll give you time to go remedy this situation.  Go on.  Go watch it and come right back.  I’ll wait.

***

Are you back?  It was AWESOME, wasn’t it?  See?  I told you.  And now you should read the book.  Can’t afford to buy it?  Don’t have a library nearby?  Well, guess what.  Here’s a link where you can read it for FREE.  http://archive.org/details/EatPrayLove

Well, now that you’ve done all that – back to my blog…

After having watched the movie (and read the book!), I’m sure I don’t have to tell you this since you already know – but the movie is the true story about Elizabeth Gilbert’s “escape” from her life.  She’s just coming out of a divorce and is already involved in another messy relationship.  She finally just decides to chuck it all and go figure out who the heck she is.  As her character in the movie describes it: “Since I was fifteen, I’ve either been with a guy or breaking up with a guy. I have not given myself two weeks of a breather just to deal with myself.” 

(Boy, does that sound familiar….)

So, what she does is this.  Rather than taking two weeks, she takes a year.  She just leaves.  She goes to Italy for four months, India for four months, and then finishes out the year in Bali.  Wow.

Now, my finances and parental status don’t allow for such a drastic ‘escape,’ but the desire to do something similar has been pulling at me pretty strongly.  During the second part of the movie, while Liz is visiting an ashram in India, she meets an American from Texas.  His name is Richard, but for my own personal reasons, we’re going to call him Bob from this point on.  Because I said so.  Got it?  Ok.  So, “Bob” tells her this:

“If you clear out all that space in your mind that you’re using right now to obsess about this guy, you’ll have a vacuum there, an open spot – a doorway. And guess what the universe will do with that doorway? It will rush in – God will rush in – and fill you with more love that you ever dreamed.”

I want that.  I want it bad.

So, here’s what’s going to happen.  I’m gonna pull a Liz Gilbert.  While I can’t escape from my life per se (nor do I want to), I’m going to escape from men.  I need a break.  I need to figure out who I am and why the heck I attach my happiness to whether or not I’m in a relationship.  As Liz states in her book, “Desiring another person is perhaps the most risky endeavor of all. As soon as you want somebody—really want him—it is as though you have taken a surgical needle and sutured your happiness to the skin of that person, so that any separation will now cause a lacerating injury.” 

Yeah.  See, that crap’s gotta stop.

So, I’m taking a year off.  Really.  My relationship ended in January, so for the rest of 2013, I’m making it a point to be single.  No dating, no flirting (well, except with the hot substitute mailman that comes to our office sometimes…hey, I’m not becoming a nun…), and no romantic relationships.  It’s time to get to know myself again.  Oh boy, here comes another Elizabeth Gilbert quote… “Never forget that once upon a time, in an unguarded moment, you recognized yourself as a friend.”  Hmmm.  You know, I think I do remember a time like that.  A time when I liked myself and didn’t base my worthiness on how much some guy does or doesn’t like me.  I kinda liked that chick. I think it’s time we hang out again.

And no, this isn’t Elizabeth Gilbert (it’s actually John Mayer), but I’ll end on this note:

aloneblog

Let’s do this.

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21

Feb. ’13

Follow your Heart?

follow-your-heart1

I’ve been hearing this “follow your heart” stuff a lot lately.  “Your heart is on the left but it’s always right;” “Let your heart lead the way;” “In a conflict between the heart and the brain, follow your heart…”

Blah.  Blah.  Blah. 

And all I could think when I would see that stuff?  What a load of crap!  Because, frankly speaking, “following my heart” isn’t exactly an option these days.  Following my heart would just lead me to where I’m not wanted.  You know?  Maybe that silly saying just doesn’t apply to someone like me – someone whose heart gets her in trouble A LOT.  And it most definitely doesn’t apply to my current situation, that’s for sure.

Now, this?  This is more my style:

heart,brain

Ya know?  Ya feel me?

But, alas.  As what usually tends to happen when I think too much – somehow in the past few days, I’ve started thinking about this whole “follow your heart” mess in a different light.

Something that my co-worker has been known to say many times since I’ve known her is that the opposite of love is not hate, as you would normally think.  It’s apathy.  Not caring.  Deeming something (or someone) insignificant.  That’s how you know when the love is gone. 

Ohhhh!  Well there ya go.  There’s my problem.  I’m not even capable of apathy.  It’s not in my genetic makeup.  I can’t remember a single thing or person that I’ve been able to feel apathetic towards.  Ever.  I friggin care about EVERYTHING.  And that kinda sucks sometimes.

Or does it?

I remember my Mom telling me that for all of my life, even all the way back to when I was a toddler, I never knew a stranger.  I would make friends with absolutely anyone and just talk their head off.  My grandma said she used to be afraid that I would be kidnapped or something because of the simple fact that I would just go along with anyone and not sense any danger.  Well, some things never change, I suppose.  I’m still like that.  I still have a big heart and I extend it to anyone and everyone at a moment’s notice, without sensing any danger.  Is that a bad thing?  Maybe.  It does cause me to get hurt when I extend it to the wrong person at times, that’s for sure.  But would I want to stop doing that?  Would I want the alternative – a life without love and passion and kindness?

No way.

So, I guess maybe I’ve been looking at “follow your heart” in the wrong way.  It doesn’t mean chase after the person you love who doesn’t want you.  That’s ridiculous.  No, I think it just means: be true to yourself.  Follow your heart – the key to who you are.  Find out who you are, what makes you you, and don’t let anyone or anything interfere with that. 

Don’t let a painful event turn you into someone that you’re not. Keep living, keep loving (maybe just refocus it a little), and keep being you. 

Ok.  Now that I can do. 

 

“Keep your heart above your head
And your eyes wide open
So this world can’t find a way to leave you cold
And know you’re not the only ship out on the ocean
Save your strength for things that you can change
Forget the ones you can’t
You gotta let it go.”
-Zac Brown Band lyrics

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