Tag Archives: love

25

Feb. ’13

Uphill Both Ways

“When I was your age, we had to walk to school uphill both ways…”
– Every Older Person There Ever Was

Yesterday I ran a route that I’ve been wanting to run ever since I started running.  There hasn’t been much of a reason why I haven’t done it yet.  At first, I wasn’t ready for it (physically or mentally); then I wanted to wait for a special occasion on the calendar (all of which came and went); then it was Winter, etc. etc. etc.  Not sure why I put it off as long as I did.  But yesterday, without even any true destination in mind, I put my running clothes on, hopped in the car, and just drove.  I ended up here:

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This is the house that is still standing in the Potato Creek community in Virginia, where my grandpa was born and raised.  He passed away in February of last year.

He wasn’t much of a talker when he was with us.  Very quiet – filled with secrets.  But my grandmother filled in the gaps.  Through her, I’ve heard about the house he grew up in and have learned about the hilly path he had to walk on to school and back and everyday.  I’ve driven this path many times, but ever since I became a runner, I have always wanted to run it.  It’s not that far to me now (a little more than four miles), but when I first started running, I knew I wasn’t ready for that distance.  And distance wasn’t really the issue anyway.  Holy crap, is that thing hilly!  But I kept telling myself that one day I would be ready to run it.  Turns out, yesterday was the day.

This may have been one of my favorite runs ever.  It may sound crazy, but a part of me felt like my Pa-Paw was actually running with me.  I’m not sure he cared for the Kelly Clarkson, Pink, and Cee Lo Green that was busting out of my headphones, but nonetheless, I think he kept up.  In fact, I think he probably passed me a few times.  Especially on those dang hills!  Did I mention there were hills?  (From now on, when an older person tells me they walked uphill to school both ways, I’m not questioning that statement. I just found out for myself!)

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But man, were those hills beautiful.  The whole route was beautiful.  For a little less than an hour, I stopped thinking, stopped feeling, stopped obsessing, and just ran with my grandpa.

The old school that he went to is no longer standing.  From what I understand, it burned down years ago (long after it was no longer used as a school and was just being used as a barn for local farmland).  After the run, I went and looked at the area a little and this was the only remnants of the school that I found:

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Here’s a view of the whole area where the school stood:

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And still standing (and still in operation on occasion) just beside the old school land is the church that he attended – Potato Creek Church.  Such a beautiful old place that holds many many memories, I’m sure.

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And since I’m sharing pictures, I have to share one last one.  Now, I can’t remember – did I mention that this run was hilly?  HOLY COW, it was hilly.  And at one point, I kid you not, I saw something painted on the road that cracked me up.  I’m convinced that someone else before me tried to run this thing and happened to be carrying a can of spray paint along with them on thier run:

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I feel ya, fellow runner.  That’s exactly how I felt too!

So, anyway, this blog is not going to be like most of my others.  I usually try to wrap up with some type of life lesson that I’ve learned from some experience.  But nope.  Not this time.  I just wanted to tell you about a run with my grandpa that I finally took the time to do.  A run where I cleared my mind, appreciated the scenery, traveled back in time in my mind to try to experience what it had been like for my ancestors before me.  You know – just took a break from everything else and appreciated who I was and where I came from.

Hmmm.  Maybe there’s a life lesson to be learned in this after all.

Thanks for the run, Pa-Paw.

Posted by . Categories: Freestyle Writings/Musings, Running. Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , . 1 Comment

22

Feb. ’13

Here Goes Nothin’…. (Literally)

“One of the cruelest, most selfish things you can do to another human being is to use them to fill a void. Having learned this the hard way by being on the receiving end, I vow to never ever do that to anyone myself. The cycle ends at me. The next person I am with will get the full, complete version of me, and will not have to live in another’s shadow. This may take years to achieve. So be it. Until you are complete, you have nothing to give to anyone else. Remember that, and this world will be a happier place.” ~ Me

I put the above quote as my Facebook status message shortly after my recent breakup.  And I’ve been giving it a lot of thought lately.  I think it’s time to put my money where my mouth is.

As most of you probably know, I absolutely unashamedly adore Elizabeth Gilbert, the author of Eat Pray Love.  I love her wisdom, her wit, her knack for seeing beyond the surface of things and discerning a lesson from the hard times.  I adore her writings and am not ashamed to admit that I base my own stuff on her style and technique.  I suppose you could say she’s my mentor (even though we’ve never met).  Well, part of my obsession with Elizabeth Gilbert is my love of the movie Eat Pray Love that was made from her book of the same title, starring Julia Roberts.  If you haven’t seen this before, and you know me at all, I’m not sure how we’re friends.  I’ll give you time to go remedy this situation.  Go on.  Go watch it and come right back.  I’ll wait.

***

Are you back?  It was AWESOME, wasn’t it?  See?  I told you.  And now you should read the book.  Can’t afford to buy it?  Don’t have a library nearby?  Well, guess what.  Here’s a link where you can read it for FREE.  http://archive.org/details/EatPrayLove

Well, now that you’ve done all that – back to my blog…

After having watched the movie (and read the book!), I’m sure I don’t have to tell you this since you already know – but the movie is the true story about Elizabeth Gilbert’s “escape” from her life.  She’s just coming out of a divorce and is already involved in another messy relationship.  She finally just decides to chuck it all and go figure out who the heck she is.  As her character in the movie describes it: “Since I was fifteen, I’ve either been with a guy or breaking up with a guy. I have not given myself two weeks of a breather just to deal with myself.” 

(Boy, does that sound familiar….)

So, what she does is this.  Rather than taking two weeks, she takes a year.  She just leaves.  She goes to Italy for four months, India for four months, and then finishes out the year in Bali.  Wow.

Now, my finances and parental status don’t allow for such a drastic ‘escape,’ but the desire to do something similar has been pulling at me pretty strongly.  During the second part of the movie, while Liz is visiting an ashram in India, she meets an American from Texas.  His name is Richard, but for my own personal reasons, we’re going to call him Bob from this point on.  Because I said so.  Got it?  Ok.  So, “Bob” tells her this:

“If you clear out all that space in your mind that you’re using right now to obsess about this guy, you’ll have a vacuum there, an open spot – a doorway. And guess what the universe will do with that doorway? It will rush in – God will rush in – and fill you with more love that you ever dreamed.”

I want that.  I want it bad.

So, here’s what’s going to happen.  I’m gonna pull a Liz Gilbert.  While I can’t escape from my life per se (nor do I want to), I’m going to escape from men.  I need a break.  I need to figure out who I am and why the heck I attach my happiness to whether or not I’m in a relationship.  As Liz states in her book, “Desiring another person is perhaps the most risky endeavor of all. As soon as you want somebody—really want him—it is as though you have taken a surgical needle and sutured your happiness to the skin of that person, so that any separation will now cause a lacerating injury.” 

Yeah.  See, that crap’s gotta stop.

So, I’m taking a year off.  Really.  My relationship ended in January, so for the rest of 2013, I’m making it a point to be single.  No dating, no flirting (well, except with the hot substitute mailman that comes to our office sometimes…hey, I’m not becoming a nun…), and no romantic relationships.  It’s time to get to know myself again.  Oh boy, here comes another Elizabeth Gilbert quote… “Never forget that once upon a time, in an unguarded moment, you recognized yourself as a friend.”  Hmmm.  You know, I think I do remember a time like that.  A time when I liked myself and didn’t base my worthiness on how much some guy does or doesn’t like me.  I kinda liked that chick. I think it’s time we hang out again.

And no, this isn’t Elizabeth Gilbert (it’s actually John Mayer), but I’ll end on this note:

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Let’s do this.

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21

Feb. ’13

Follow your Heart?

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I’ve been hearing this “follow your heart” stuff a lot lately.  “Your heart is on the left but it’s always right;” “Let your heart lead the way;” “In a conflict between the heart and the brain, follow your heart…”

Blah.  Blah.  Blah. 

And all I could think when I would see that stuff?  What a load of crap!  Because, frankly speaking, “following my heart” isn’t exactly an option these days.  Following my heart would just lead me to where I’m not wanted.  You know?  Maybe that silly saying just doesn’t apply to someone like me – someone whose heart gets her in trouble A LOT.  And it most definitely doesn’t apply to my current situation, that’s for sure.

Now, this?  This is more my style:

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Ya know?  Ya feel me?

But, alas.  As what usually tends to happen when I think too much – somehow in the past few days, I’ve started thinking about this whole “follow your heart” mess in a different light.

Something that my co-worker has been known to say many times since I’ve known her is that the opposite of love is not hate, as you would normally think.  It’s apathy.  Not caring.  Deeming something (or someone) insignificant.  That’s how you know when the love is gone. 

Ohhhh!  Well there ya go.  There’s my problem.  I’m not even capable of apathy.  It’s not in my genetic makeup.  I can’t remember a single thing or person that I’ve been able to feel apathetic towards.  Ever.  I friggin care about EVERYTHING.  And that kinda sucks sometimes.

Or does it?

I remember my Mom telling me that for all of my life, even all the way back to when I was a toddler, I never knew a stranger.  I would make friends with absolutely anyone and just talk their head off.  My grandma said she used to be afraid that I would be kidnapped or something because of the simple fact that I would just go along with anyone and not sense any danger.  Well, some things never change, I suppose.  I’m still like that.  I still have a big heart and I extend it to anyone and everyone at a moment’s notice, without sensing any danger.  Is that a bad thing?  Maybe.  It does cause me to get hurt when I extend it to the wrong person at times, that’s for sure.  But would I want to stop doing that?  Would I want the alternative – a life without love and passion and kindness?

No way.

So, I guess maybe I’ve been looking at “follow your heart” in the wrong way.  It doesn’t mean chase after the person you love who doesn’t want you.  That’s ridiculous.  No, I think it just means: be true to yourself.  Follow your heart – the key to who you are.  Find out who you are, what makes you you, and don’t let anyone or anything interfere with that. 

Don’t let a painful event turn you into someone that you’re not. Keep living, keep loving (maybe just refocus it a little), and keep being you. 

Ok.  Now that I can do. 

 

“Keep your heart above your head
And your eyes wide open
So this world can’t find a way to leave you cold
And know you’re not the only ship out on the ocean
Save your strength for things that you can change
Forget the ones you can’t
You gotta let it go.”
-Zac Brown Band lyrics

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19

Feb. ’13

Flaws

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Whew.

So, I had the idea of writing a blog about flaws.  Not sure exactly where I was headed with that, but just thought it seemed to go along with a general theme I’ve had in my life lately.  When you go through a major life change (in my case, a breakup – but it can be anything, a job change, a move, a death of a loved one, etc.), it’s actually a good time to do a little reassessing. Ya know, looking around.  Trying to figure out who you are, why you’re here, etc., and use that information to make a fresh start.  And in my particular case, it has made me take a pretty good hard long look at myself and wonder what part I may have played in getting to where I am now.  Now, I’m not saying I’m beating myself up.  On the contrary, actually.  It’s just a little self-analysis.  A little realization of who I am – the good and the bad – and deciding what might need to be worked on.

So, that was the idea.  But.  Well.  That’s not exactly what ended up happening.

I didn’t realize what a can of worms this would open up.

I reached out to some friends (and even some exes if you can believe that) to ask them to be honest with me about what they saw in me that they would consider flaws.  Let me give you some examples of the answers I got.

  • An ex-boyfriend response: You were always wondering/worrying about my thoughts/feelings even when I insisted I was telling you the truth.
  • A close friend response: I feel that you are dependent on other people’s views & feelings toward you to determine your emotional state & self-worth.
  • Another ex-boyfriend: I always loved talking to you.  More than you know.  But when I would say I didn’t want to talk about something, you wouldn’t let it go.  I would get so mad, I would just shut down completely.
  • Another close friend:  I feel like you spend too much time searching for something externally to fill the God-sized hole inside of you.  [Wow.]
  • Another ex-boyfriend: I value my life too much to answer that question.  [Haha…that’s my favorite.]
  • Another close friend: You need to recognize your own worth and awesomeness more. [Ok nevermind, maybe that’s my favorite…and I actually got this response more than once.]

(Now, I could go in all kinds of tangents with analyzing those responses, but I’m going to try not to get too deep.  Just stating the facts here, peeps. )

  • Another notable response – When mentioning that I was writing this article, someone remarked: I think you’re just venting.  It’s time to move on.

Hmmm.  Ok.  We may have to come back to that one.  But first:

In doing all this ‘research,’ a friend of mine reminded me of the Jennifer Grey nose job story.  You’ll probably remember Jennifer Grey from Dirty Dancing.  But I’m willing to bet you that you don’t remember her from anything else.  After Dirty Dancing, she had a nose job.  Apparently she had a ‘bump’ on her nose (news to me) that she thought she needed to have fixed.  So, she did.  She saw a “flaw” and she zapped it.  But then, you know what happened?  Her career plummeted.  She was quoted as saying, “I went in the operating room a celebrity – and came out anonymous. It was like being in a witness protection program or being invisible. I remember going to a restaurant where I had been going for years. I ran into people I knew and would say, ‘Hey.’ Nothing. I’ll always be this once-famous actress nobody recognizes… because of a nose job.”  She was no longer even recognizable.  Now, I’m not saying she had been “known” for her nose or anything – but changing something that made her who she was made her someone that people didn’t even recognize anymore.  Fixing what she thought was a flaw, ended up changing her life.  And not for the better.

Ok, so I’ve thrown this random smorgasbord of information out here.  Now, what do I do with it?

Well, here we go.

So here’s what I have decided, and it all comes down to this: I’m a hot mess.  Yes, there are definitely some things that I could work on.  There are. (Being less insistent for responses from others being the main one that jumps out at me.)  But, so what!?  I’m a little insistent.  Big fat hairy deal.  Yes, I care a little too much what people think of me.  That’s a flaw.  It’s me.  It’s who I am.  Maybe that’s why I write?  For the responses I get from others?  For the feedback?  Eh, who knows…

Which brings me back to the remark about ‘venting.’

Is that what I’m doing?  Ok.  Maybe so.  But here’s my response to that.  Elizabeth Gilbert (author of Eat Pray Love) is one of my favorite authors of all time. She motivates me and she inspires me. If she had stopped “venting” and just moved on without writing about it, she wouldn’t be where she is today. And maybe I wouldn’t be where I am today without that influence.  So, in that same fashion, I’m not going to stop either.  Writing is therapeutic; it’s healing; it’s who I am.  I take what happens in my life and I vomit it out on paper for all the world to see.  Am I crazy?  Maybe.  Am I too transparent?  Maybe.  Am I making a fool of myself?  Maybe.  But let me tell you something.  As of my latest stat count, people have looked at this crazy transparent fool’s blog a grand total of 500 times.  500 times people have looked at what I have to say.  And if only one of those 500 times ended up being a time that touched someone’s heart and showed them that they aren’t alone in this crazy world we all live in, then it was worth it.  Unlike Jennifer Grey’s nose – this blog ain’t changing.  I’m not changing.  Flaws and all, here I am.

And on that note…I’ll leave you with a quote from Robert Porterfield, the founder of Barter Theatre in Abingdon, Virginia:

“If you like us, talk about us!
If you don’t, then keep your mouth shut.”

 

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18

Feb. ’13

Christian Song from Way Back When

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I have a friend who is a new believer and is preparing to be baptized.   I was baptized myself about five years ago.  Since then, I’ve gotten a little off course.  I’m trying to find my way back, but it’s not easy.  Having friends like her helps.  Anyway, I decided to dig out this old song that I wrote back just before I was baptized.  Thought I’d share the lyrics.

I Hear You Now

I remember times before, when I’d hear people say
That they listened to what you told them, that you always led the way.
I never knew what that meant; how could they hear your voice?
I looked around my scattered life, and all I heard was noise.

But then came the time, I opened my heart
And the light finally shown through
I had heard you all the time, my Lord
And just never knew it was you.

Chorus:
The birds singing in the trees
A friend’s words to help me through
That little face looking up from bed
Saying, “Mommy, I love you.”
The voice inside that knows right from wrong
And always gets me through somehow
I guess I wasn’t listening back then
But God I hear you now.

It’s hard to remember life before I recognized your sound
Now I listen closely and your messages abound
The falling rain; a lullaby; every single breath I take
Every sound around me is the music that you make

So glad I opened up my heart
To let the words from you shine through
Those sounds I heard all those times before
Now I know they came from you.

Repeat Chorus:
The birds singing in the trees
A friend’s words to help me through
That little face looking up from bed
Saying, “Mommy, I love you.”
The voice inside that knows right from wrong
And always gets me through somehow
I guess I wasn’t listening back then
But God I hear you now.

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13

Feb. ’13

Apology

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I debated whether to blog about what I’m getting ready to share, but I decided that maybe someone out there might need to hear this.

That apology quote is one that I’ve seen many times. And one that I have actually given a lot of thought to. How many of us are walking around with old wounds that are still in need of repair? I know I am. There are a few people from my past that have done wrong by me and, like most of us probably do, I harbor a little resentment and bitterness towards those people. Even if I don’t fully realize that the hurt is still there.

Well, life has taken a slightly strange turn for me lately.  One of those ‘old wounds’ has resurfaced. Someone that once hurt me deeply has suddenly come back into my life.

I won’t get into detail about what happened to cause this reconnection (one of those ‘names have been changed to protect the innocent’ kind of deals…), but let’s just say that I don’t think it’s a coincidence that our paths have crossed again at a time when I’m going through one of my little life detours. (In a previous post, I refer to life detours. These are what I like to call those times in your life when things are rolling along and suddenly, without notice, everything changes.)  In fact, a lot of my old writings that I started this blog with are writings from that time in my life.  I’ve been looking back on them to help me through my current situation, so it has been a little more fresh on my mind than it normally would be.

And now – here he is.

And guess what?  He’s sorry.

Really, truly deeply sorry.  I see it in the way he treats me now, hear the kindness of his voice, and was even asked for forgiveness by him directly (which takes a lot of guts, if you ask me). This is one of those times that I don’t have to wonder What if? I don’t have to apply the Robert Brault quote that I previously mentioned because I don’t have to accept an apology I ‘never got.’  I am faced with accepting an apology that I did get.

And you know what?  I accepted it.  Without hesitation, without any thought to the contrary – I just fully and completely said, “You’re forgiven.”

And holy crap, let me tell ya: that felt good.

Believe me, I know what it’s like to be hurt.  I know it so well.  And I know what it’s like to see all those quotes like the one I posted before.  I’ve heard the one that says that ‘holding on to your anger is only hurting you’ and the one that tells you that ‘refusing to forgive someone is like drinking poison and expecting them to die.’  Etc. etc. etc.  These things are just quotes.  They’re just words.  They mean nothing.  I know, I’ve been there.  In fact, I’m there now.  But life just gave me a glaring example of how good it feels to just let it go.

Now, I know we’re not all going to get a chance like I just got.  We’re not all going to get to have someone look us in our eye and ask for our forgiveness.  But now that I know how truly freeing and healing it is to be able to give that forgiveness to someone who asked for it, I’m starting to wonder if there’s not a lot of truth to that Robert Brault quote.  If it feels this good to accept an apology that was given to me, wouldn’t it feel just as good to accept one that wasn’t given to me?  Wouldn’t it be just as freeing?  Just as healing?

It’s not as easy of course.  But I think it can be done.  It’s worth a shot.

What unspoken apology do you need to accept?  Maybe today is the day.

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10

Feb. ’13

Thin Line

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You’ve heard it. That old saying – “There’s a thin line between love and hate.”

If you’re like me, you’ve probably heard that saying all your life. And honestly, I suppose I’m lucky to say that I have managed to go 34 years without really fully understanding what it meant. Not sure how I managed to escape that sentiment, but I did. There’s no one in my life that I’ve ever hated; or, for that matter, that’s ever hated me (to my knowledge).  And even if I did hate someone, how could I have loved them first?  That’s ridiculous!  What kind of sense does that make??

Oh.

Now I get it.

Love.  Love is intense.  It’s passionate and all-consuming.  It gets your heartbeat racing, makes you do stupid things you never would have dreamed of doing before, makes you barely recognize yourself.  It takes over your brain cells.  It’s like a drug.

Hate.  Hate?  Hmmm.  Turns out hate is exactly the same thing.  It does all those things too.  All-consuming.  Heartbeat racing.  Making you do stupid things you’ve never done before…barely recognizing yourself.  And so on, and so forth.

When love is taken away at a moment’s notice, what are you supposed to do with all those feelings?  When you’re on the receiving end of “we need to talk…,” you probably weren’t expecting to have to chuck all those emotions at the drop of a hat.  But yet, you have to.  You really aren’t given a choice.  And I’m not sure the human brain (heart?) is equipped to do that.  So, it has to compensate.  It has to channel all those feelings and emotions into something else.  With hate being so similar, and being something that, let’s face it, feels slightly better than unrequited love – it’s easy for the love to slowly slip over to hate.  Too easy.

Is that a bad thing?  Eh, I don’t know.

I’ve always been the kind of person that sees the good in everyone – even when it might not even be there.  And being that kind of person, that usually means that I tend to take on a lot of guilt and blame for things that might not necessarily be my fault. (I mean, it couldn’t be their fault right?  Everyone is “good” and “kind,” so surely it must be me…)  Maybe it’s time to let myself off the hook.  Maybe it’s time to give myself a chance to really feel anger towards someone.  Even a little bit of hate.  Just temporarily.

Oh, I know it won’t last.  Nothing does.  Nothing.  If life has taught me anything, it has definitely been that.  So, for now, I’m just going to go with it.  I want to be a grownup.  Really, I do.  And I will again soon.  I see the high road up there.  It looks great.  People look content up there.  And hey – I’ll probably climb on up there and join them eventually.  But for now, I’m okay down here on this other road.  It’s a little easier to travel here for a while.  Oh, I know the views are better up there, the people are nicer, blah blah blah.  But I don’t wanna.  I don’t have the strength to climb at the moment.  And that’s okay.

Oh, I’ll heal.  I will.  But on my own time table and in my own way.  And right now – all that love needs to be replaced.  And this – this hate thing – well, this is all I’ve got.  And I’m using it.

Sigh.

This too shall pass….

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