“Friendship causes heartbreaks, too.” – Unknown

A few days ago, someone on Facebook posted a status about adult friendship.  It wasn’t anything poetic – just a simple statement about how hard it is to maintain friendships as adults (especially as women) and that if you’re out there missing that close friendship feeling, you’re not alone.  This status resonated with so many, including myself.  It was shared, reacted to, and commented on multiple times. I, too, shared it on my own Facebook feed with the caption “we don’t talk enough about this.”  It’s been sitting on my mind ever since; so, I decided, “Hey. I have a blog. Let’s talk about it.”

So here I am.

As I sit here, though, I start to see maybe why we don’t talk about it. It’s tough. I’m a writer so I can go on for days about whatever topic is on my mind.  But this one? Gosh, I don’t even know where to begin.

Maybe I’ll start by giving a personal example.  Now, I do have friends. Close friends even. And I know I have one in particular who’d drop everything and come running if I needed him. But I think that’s just it…as we get older, our “needs” change.  I remember when I was younger – any time any small thing happened, I just HAD to tell someone. It was like if someone didn’t know about it, then it didn’t really happen.  But these days? Oh, let’s be honest – we have Facebook and other social media for those small things. If something interesting happens in my day, I don’t call up a close friend and tell them about it. I post it on Facebook so they and anyone else who wants to know (and many who don’t) can see every detail.

But the big things? The things that matter?

Now that’s a different story.

I’ve had some rough years lately.  I know – we all have. Covid has kicked our butts. But for me, a lot has happened in the past four years that wasn’t at all related to Covid. I’ve lost jobs. I’ve lost loved ones. I’ve had substantial financial issues. I’ve gone through “empty nesting,” only to then have my adult child get desperately ill and move back home. I’ve become a grandma.  The more these big things happen, the more mundane the small stuff seems. And as I mature (who knew THIS would finally happen?), I realize that everyone else has crap going on in their lives and they don’t need to be bothered with my stuff. Plus, it’s just harder to talk about the serious stuff. It just is.

So, I don’t.

Another thing that’s happened in these big event years is that I lost a close long-term friendship. No, not by death. It was by choice. We both came to realize that we weren’t supportive of each other anymore. These adult versions of ourselves were very different than the young adult versions were, and we just weren’t that compatible anymore.  More than that, we were toxic. I could go into specifics, but I won’t. It just became a pissing contest of, “oh you think that’s bad? Well, check out what it’s like in my life…” And no one needs to be on the giving or receiving end of that nonsense.

So we walked away.

And let me tell you something. It stings.

I’ve ignored it for the most part. It has been about three years now and I’ve yet to really talk about it. I don’t even really want to talk about it now in this blog that is supposed to be about this very topic. But does it hurt?  You bet.  And what do we humans tend to do when something hurts?  We try to make sure we don’t ever feel that pain again.  Which means?

Maybe we make sure that friendships don’t matter to us as much anymore. You know? So it won’t hurt as bad when we lose them next time.

Okay, sure. This isn’t a new concept. We talk about this stuff all the time when it comes to relationships. But that’s just it – we talk about relationships. We congratulate, we commiserate, we share, we celebrate – we do all of these things when it comes to relationships. We have marriage ceremonies, engagement parties, heck, even divorce parties where the woman demolishes her wedding dress. We humans honor the shit out of the beginnings and endings of relationships.

But friendships?

Nope. They just kind of come and go with no hoopla.  No photo burning parties were held when that aforesaid long-term friendship ended.  And on that same token, no parades were had when I met a new good friend during my last theatre show. These things just happen, and we just go on.

But I don’t know…maybe we shouldn’t?

Maybe all these unacknowledged events need a little more acknowledgement. Maybe we’d come closer to healing and rebuilding stronger the next time if we take these things out and examine them once in a while.

When someone makes a status about friendships not lasting like they used to, it should just be a statement. Not a sentiment that brings hundreds of people out in droves to say, “Yeah!  That! That’s a thing…why don’t we talk about that?”

So, anyway, here it is. I’m starting the conversation.

Okay, so there’s no earth-shattering news in this blog. No brilliant witty repartee to take with you and share as a Facebook status.  Nope. This was just a “hmmm?” blog. Just a “why are we humans like this?” observation.

And hey, maybe you’ll walk away knowing it’s not just you these things are happening to. Not much in this world only happens to us and us alone. Even if it may feel like it because no one is discussing it.

Take care of yourselves out there, folks. You’re never alone. I promise. We’re all just out here trying to figure out this mess as we go.

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“I’m not alone now either. The world is all around me. People leave, but there are always more coming. The catch is that you have to open the door to let them in.” -Kathy McCullough