Monthly Archives: April 2013

13

Apr. ’13

Excuses = Fuel

excuses

I went for a 4-mile run this morning.  This was only my second run since my accident a few weeks ago.  I’m trying to take it slow and ease back in.  But after today’s run, I have realized something.

I’m ready.

My half marathon is 3 weeks from today.  This wreck did slow me down, I’ll give it that.  But it’s not going to stop me.  I’m still going to do what I had planned to do.  No excuses.

While running, I was thinking of all this and this random phrase entered my mind:

Turn your excuses into fuel.

At first, I’m not sure where that phrase came from or even if it made any sense.  But as I thought about it more, it started making perfect sense.  I started thinking of all of the excuses I’ve used in regards to running and all of the ways that I’ve turned those excuses from hindrances to motivators.  And if you’re a runner – or even if you’re just a living breathing human and have considered doing anything ever and have let excuses stop you – you might relate to some of these.  Here are  some examples of the excuses I have used in the past, and the responses I found to give myself:

I can’t run because I am overweight.  Oh yeah?  Well awesome.  Running will help you lose weight.  Go run.

I can’t run because I don’t have the energy.  Oh yeah?  No energy?  Awesome.  Running will help you find that energy.  The feeling after a run is hard to beat.  You’re energized for the day.  Now go run.

I can’t run because I’m too tired.  Awesome.  See above.  Running energizes you.  That tired feeling will be gone before you know it.  Run.

I can’t run because I have kids.  Really?  You have kids?  Awesome.  Teach them that staying active and healthy is important.  Show them that if you can do it, they can do it.  And you might even get to the point where you do it together.  So go get started.  Go run.

I can’t run because it’s taking too much time away from my kids.  No, it’s not.  It’s taking some time away from your kids – not too much time.  And you know you need some time alone.  And besides, you’re teaching your kids that time alone is important too and they’ll know to make it a priority one day themselves.  And that’s something that they really need to learn.  Go run.

I can’t run because I don’t have time.  Yes, you do.  I used to say the same thing and, believe me, I am extremely busy.  I live over an hour from where I work and I have two active teenagers.  I found the time.  You will too.  You make time for what’s important.  Run.

I can’t run because it’s raining outside or it’s cold or there’s a tornado or a hailstorm or whatever.  Awesome.  Good reason to finally join the gym.  And you can do more than run there.  There are weights and machines and everything.  And if you try hard enough you can even figure out how to use them.  True story.

I don’t have the money to join the gym.  You don’t?  Awesome.  That will make you cut your expenses in other places like you know you needed to do anyway.  It’s amazing how much you can save when you turn those lunchtime McDonald’s runs into lunchtime gym runs.

 I’m going through a relationship breakup.  Yeah, I know.  That sucks.  And it makes you sad.  But guess what?  Now you’re going to have even more time to run.  Taking time to spend with just yourself is more important now than ever.  Take this new time and use it.  You’ll amaze yourself with how strong you are.  Now go run.

And now we got back together.  Oh yeah?  Awesome.  Now you have your running buddy and cheerleader back.  And he understands and supports you training for this half marathon.  Don’t worry about taking the time you need to train.  He gets it.  And he’ll be there at the finish line.  How awesome is that?  Now go run.

Now I have all these man-hating songs on my running playlist…  Awesome.  Replace all the dude references with references to your old self instead.  It’s amazing how motivating those songs can be when you dedicate them to the old excuse maker that used to be you.  Show that chick who’s the boss and who’s going to rise above it all.  Go run.

And finally…

I can’t run because I had a wreck.  Yes, you did.  And it was scary and it sucked.  And you got hurt.  But it won’t last forever.  It took a little out of your training schedule plans, but that’s ok.  There’s nothing written in stone that says you had to follow every single step of that training plan.  Two days before you got in that accident, you ran 10 miles.  TEN MILES!  Girlfriend, you got this.  That wreck did nothing but make you stronger than you were before.  Because it served to show you that NOTHING is going to stop you.

So, yep.

Turn your excuses into fuel.

Makes perfect sense, doesn’t it?  Glad I thought of it.

Now, go run.

***

“It is wise to direct your anger towards problems – not people;
to focus your energies on answers – not excuses.”
– William Arthur Ward

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12

Apr. ’13

Rainbow

rainbow2

“My heart leaps up when I behold a rainbow in the sky.”
– William Wordsworth

[Warning:  This is going to be one of those fuzzy warm feel-good kinda blogs.  I mean, it’s about a rainbow.  You had to see that coming.  Don’t say I didn’t warn you…]

Ok, so I know sometimes I think too much.  Sometimes I might see more in a situation than what might really be there.  I get that about myself.  (Of course, in my defense, I still stand by the fact that it’s better to see too much than to see too little.)  But I had a pretty cool experience this morning and I want to share it.

As most of you know, I had a car accident a week ago yesterday.  My car flipped down a bank and was totaled, but thank God I walked away with just a headache and a few scrapes. Now that I’m ok, I get to deal with a different kind of headache…the avalanche of insurance paperwork aftermath.  Ugh.  But in all the crap I’m having to deal with, there’s one thing I’m not having to worry about.  And that’s transportation.  My incredibly generous boyfriend has offered me a spare vehicle to drive.

And it’s not just any ol’ vehicle, mind you.  It was his dad’s.

Richard’s dad passed away a few years ago, and he meant the absolute world to him.  I know he misses him every single day.  So, I know that trusting me to drive his vehicle is a pretty big deal.  I, unfortunately, didn’t have the pleasure of knowing him.  I came into Richard’s life just a little too late.  And from what I have come to understand, I really missed out.  I remember over a year ago when Richard and I first started seeing each other.  Anytime I would mention the name of the guy I was dating, local people would say, “Oh, Richard?  Yeah I know him.  Great guy.  Clyde was his dad, right?  Clyde was such a good man…” It never failed.  Happened every single time.  I hope I’m remembered like that one day.

And incidentally, even though I never met him personally, I feel like I know him by knowing Richard.  Because from what I’ve heard of him, his son is just like him.  I have a Keith Urban CD with a song on it called “Song for Dad.”  Here’s an excerpt from the lyrics:

In everything he ever did
He always did with love
And I’m proud today to say I’m his son
When somebody says I hope I get to meet your dad
I just smile and say you already have.

So yeah.  In a way, I already have.

So, anyway, back to the rainbow.

This morning, as I was driving to work in Clyde’s vehicle, I was thinking about all of this.  I was just feeling so grateful for having a way to get work, and was thinking about the huge amount of generosity that allowed for that.  Which made me remember another thing that I’ve heard about Richard’s dad.  Richard has always talked about how his dad was always so willing to help anyone who needed it.  And he would do these things quietly, without fanfare or recognition.  He just wanted to help.  As I remembered this, I realized that his legacy is still living on.  He’s helping me, someone he’s never even met – through his son.  He’s letting me borrow his car.  And he’s doing it quietly.  Without recognition.  Without fanfare.

Something about that thought made me feel better about using the vehicle like I am.  Rather than feeling like a burden, I feel like I’m helping a story to continue on like it should.  Make sense?

And I kid you not – the very moment that thought crossed my mind, I glanced up and there was this gorgeous rainbow stretching across the sky.  I mean it, it was absolutely beautiful.

Just a scientific coincidence?  Maybe.  Maybe it meant nothing at all.

But could it have been more than that?   A gentle agreeable “nod” from beyond?  A sign?

Yes.  Maybe it was.  At least I like to think so.

In fact, I like to think that signs like that are all around us a lot more often than we take the time to notice.  We just have to remember to keep looking up to see them.

***

“There’s a rainbow in the sky all the time – don’t be blind.”
– Ziggy Marley

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11

Apr. ’13

Fully Dressed

“The finest clothing made is a person’s own skin, but, of course, society demands something more than this.”
– Mark Twain

Clothes.  *Sigh*

Ok, so I’ve decided that I’m missing a gene somewhere.  That gene that makes women get all excited and giddy about shopping and dressing up and looking cutesy and all that stuff?  Yeah, I don’t have that.  I’m not sure what happened.

Now, I’m not saying I’m a sloth or anything.  I’m generally clean and things somewhat match.  Somewhat.  But a fashion sense or style?  Psssssh.  What’s that?  If it fits, I put it on.  That’s about the extent of my “style.”  If anyone wants to nominate me for that “What Not To Wear” show, go for it.  I’m all in.  Just sayin.

Now honestly, I usually don’t even think about it that much.  Actually, I’m probably just too busy to think about it.  My days consist of so much activity that I’m lucky if I remember to put clothes on at all before I walk out the door.  So, most days, it’s really a non-issue.  Most days.

But then.  Then there are days like yesterday.

I unfortunately, yet again, found myself in the presence of someone who intimidates me.  Anyone else have someone like that?  Someone that when you’re around them, you just feel….I don’t know….small.  Uninteresting.  Boring.  Drab.  Dull.  Ok, I’m out of negative adjectives.  But you know what I mean, right?  They seem so classy and put together and perfect and…well, pretty.  Now, don’t get me wrong here.  I’m not generally an insecure person, especially when it comes to the looks department.  I mean, really….Who the heck cares?  But once in a while – once in a while – I guess I’m just human.  And yesterday was one of those days.  Which got me to thinking about this whole topic.

I came across this quote while I was researching for this blog:

dressblog2

My first reaction to this?  Well, crap.  But then….I don’t know.  I started thinking a little differently about it.  If my “style” says who I am without having to speak, then what am I telling people about who I actually am?  What am I saying?

And here’s what I’ve decided.

My hair is in a ponytail today. What does that say?  I hope it says that even though I actually woke up with the full intention of taking an early shower and spending time on straightening and styling my ‘do, instead I ended up spending a couple extra moments talking to Richard.  Discussing our plans for the day…talking about work…talking about our kids and the upcoming play, etc. etc. etc.  Before I knew it, time had flown by and I didn’t have time to do anything but throw my hair in a ponytail.

My fingernails aren’t manicured.  What does that say?  I hope it says that as a struggling single mom, spending money on manicures is a luxury that I can only occasionally afford.  And besides – my hands stay so busy that I’m not sure the manicure would last long anyway.  I keep my fingernails just long enough to scratch a child’s itchy back, peel a price tag off of a gift I’m wrapping, and “comb” my hair when I can’t find a brush in the clutter of my purse.

My shoes aren’t high heels.  They’re flat and functional.  What does that say?  Well, I hope it says that I stay too busy to worry about hurting feet.  I don’t have time to walk slowly in high heels when I have a million places to be.  I drive over an hour one way to my job, and then leave there to go pick up kids to take them to their various activities.  Or, on the days when they’re with their dad, I leave work and go running to train for my first half marathon that is coming up.  These runners’ feet can’t handle being in heels all day and then pounding pavement for a few hours afterwards during marathon training.

My clothes don’t have fancy labels.  What does that say?  I hope it says that I value simplicity and frugality.  That I know that there’s more to a person than the name sewn in at their neckline.  And I’m proud to say that this same value system has passed on to my kids.  While other kids are begging for name brand clothes, my kids rarely ask for new clothes and are thrilled when they get them – regardless of what store they came from.  At Christmas when they were given gift cards for clothes shopping, they both bragged about the amount of items they were able to buy within their spending budget by buying items that were on clearance, etc.  I think that’s something to be proud of.

Those are just a few examples.

So, like I said before – I’m not a sloth.  I’m clean, I’m neat, I’m functional.  But am I dressed to the nines on a daily basis?  Nope. Very rarely actually.  But rather than beating myself up over it, maybe I should realize that my “style” really does tell my story.

And you know what?

I think the story I’m telling might not be all that bad after all.

***

Your clothes may be Beau Brummelly
They stand out a mile —
But Brother,
You’re never fully dressed
Without a smile!
Who cares what they’re wearing
On Main Street,
Or Saville Row,
It’s what you wear from ear to ear
And not from head to toe
(That matters)
– Fully Dressed lyrics (from Annie) 😉

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10

Apr. ’13

Sing Anyway

auditionblog

This idea has been on my mind pretty heavy for the past few days.

I was just at auditions for a play.  There are many people – mostly kids – who auditioned and will not get a role.  And that makes me sad, but it’s just the way it is.  When there are parts for 12 kids and 30+ show up for auditions, it’s inevitable that there will be some that won’t get roles.  And here’s what I wish I could tell the ones who didn’t get a role this time:

Don’t give up.  Try again.

And if you don’t get a role during the next show, try again the next time.  And the time after that.

Auditions remind me of the tests the kids have to take in school.  It’s one standardized test that every student has to take, regardless of their test-taking skills.  I have always been one of those kids that was an excellent test-taker.  I could cram that stuff in my brain just before time for the test, and then I would shine under pressure.  And my grades reflected that.  But there’s a problem with that.  Once the test was over, so was the knowledge.  I retained very, very little.

Now, on the other hand, you have the students who freeze when it’s time to take a test.  When it’s time to actually transfer the knowledge that they actually have in their brain to little filled-in circles on a test sheet, they panic.  It’s just too much pressure. Unlike the ones like me who crammed the knowledge in there 20 minutes prior to test time, these kids actually know this stuff.  And will probably be able to apply it better later in life than the excellent test takers like myself.  And yet – they are the ones who are deemed “failures” because of a score on a test.  So unfair.  But what’s the solution?  What’s the answer to this problem?  You got me.

Which brings me back to these auditions.

I know there were kids who were probably phenomenal singers and actors, but being up there trying to present yourself in front of a room full of people and beg them to like you…that’s some seriously scary stuff.  Your best self may not exactly show through the fear.  But that doesn’t mean it’s not there.  It is.  You just have to keep trying.  Try, try, try.  Over and over again.  Eventually, who you are will bust through the fear and everyone will be able to see what was in there all along.  If you want something – truly want something – you will make it happen.

And aside from that – sometimes, especially in theatre, whether or not you’re chosen for something may actually have little to do with your ability at all.  Sometimes it’s that you weren’t the right look for the part.  Maybe not the right height.  Maybe not the right hair color.  Etc. etc. etc.  There are SO many factors in choosing a role in a theatre show.  DO NOT TAKE IT PERSONALLY!  Just get up, dust yourself off, and show up again the next time.  Next time you might be exactly what they were looking for.

I’ll use my daughter as an example here.  She hesitantly auditioned for the last show at this theatre.  She was terrified, but she got up there and gave it her all anyway.  And did she get the role?  Nope.  Not because she wasn’t “good enough.”  Not by any means.  She just wasn’t the right age for the part.  But she tried anyway.  And when she didn’t get the role, she graciously offered to help backstage (and did an excellent job I might add).  She handled it with grace and didn’t take it personally.  (Yet another reason why I want to be like her when I grow up.)  And then, with that “rejection” filed away in the past, she got up and tried again.  She auditioned for Annie, hoping to get a small role somewhere, and walked away with the lead.  She’s Annie.  Just like that.  She went from not getting a role at all in the last show to getting the lead in this one.  That’s how things work, people.  It’s a fickle business, this acting stuff.

Kind of like life, ya know?

If it didn’t work this time, that doesn’t mean it will never work.  Now may just not have been the right time.  For a variety of reasons.  But don’t let it stop you!  Get up, and try again.

[I’ll interrupt here with a link to an interesting story of a theatre rejection I received once, and the director’s response years later to that rejection. Interesting stuff if you get a chance to take a look. Be sure you read the comment section too – that’s where the good stuff is.]

So back to the point.  Yes – try again.  Again and again and again.  If you want it, it will happen.  You may not be the “best” singer, the “best” actor, the “best” whatever.  There’s always going to be someone who can do something “better” than you can.  That’s just life.  But that’s not the point.  As Henry van Dyke put it, “Use what talents you possess: the woods would be very silent if no birds sang there except those that sang best.”  The point is to do what you can do, and do it loud and proud.

And one day, you will be heard.  I promise.

***
You can pour your soul out singin’
A song you believe in
Then tomorrow they’ll forget you ever sang.
Sing it anyway
– Martina McBride
(lyrics to Do It Anyway)

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09

Apr. ’13

Back in the Saddle

longrunpic3

Today I decided not to be a wimp.

For the past five days since my accident, I’ve been moping and whining thinking that I’m not going to be able to run again anytime soon.  Now, yes, I know running should be the last thing on my mind after what I went through.  But the fact is, it’s just not.  It’s very much in the forefront of my mind.  Running has been my best friend for a while.  Call me crazy, I don’t care.  But that’s just a fact.  When everything around me was changing, running was always there to turn to.  Friends came and went, circumstances changed sometimes at the drop of a hat, family emergencies took place, etc. etc.  But still.  There was running.  My old pal, my old confidant.  It never left me.

So, to feel like it was going to be gone for a while made me pretty sad.  Almost depressed even.

Especially given that this happened right in the middle of my half marathon training.  As most of you know (since I mention it every other breath), I have my first half marathon scheduled for May 4.  That’s 25 days away.  I mean, if I were counting.  But I’m not.  Because ya know.  It’s no biggie or anything….

MY FIRST HALF MARATHON IS 25 DAYS AWAY!  AHHH!

And here I am sitting around missing valuable training days because of a dumb ol’ accident.

Well, today, I decided I’m not having that anymore.

Now, I was careful, mind you.  I’m wasn’t going to jump back out there and run 10 miles again like I ran last week.  But I did jump back out there.  And I ran 3.5 miles.  And I’m pretty darn proud of myself, even if I do say so.  Man, it felt good.  And I even did it on my lunch break from work.  Even better.

As I ran, one of my favorite “I am woman, hear me roar” running songs came on my playlist, and the lyrics stood out to me more today than ever before.  The song is Survivor by Destiny’s Child:

I’m a survivor
I’m not gonna give up
I’m not gonna stop
I’m gonna work harder
I’m a survivor
I’m gonna make it
I will survive
Keep on survivin’

You dang right.  This girl is a survivor.  Has been before, will be today, and will be tomorrow.  That’s just all there is to it.

Today will be known as my “back in the saddle” day.

May 4 half marathon, here I come.

***

“I run because it’s so symbolic of life. You have to drive yourself to overcome the obstacles. You might feel that you can’t. But then you find your inner strength, and realize you’re capable of so much more than you thought.”
– Arthur Blank

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08

Apr. ’13

Reflection

mirrorfind

My daughter took this picture of me on Friday, the day after I wrecked and totaled my car on this bank.  We were looking through some of the rubble that was left behind.  Among the broken glass, car parts, and general debris, I found something interesting.  My mirror.  My unbroken, completely intact mirror.  She took the picture just as I found it and was looking into it.

So, most people might stop here with, “Cool. Mirror didn’t break. Awesome,” and move along.  But nope. Not me.  Not deep-thinking, over-analytical me.  I have to blog about it.

It’s a mirror.  Ya know?  How symbolic is that?! Among everything else that was shattered and destroyed, two things remained unharmed.  This mirror.  And me.

Something tells me that’s not a coincidence.

“For the past 33 years, I have looked in the mirror every morning and asked myself: ‘If today were the last day of my life, would I want to do what I am about to do today?’ And whenever that answer has been ‘No’ for too many days in a row, I know I need to change something.”
– Steve Jobs

Life can definitely knock you for a loop sometimes.  In this case – quite literally.  Walking away from an accident that very likely could have killed me has had a pretty profound affect on me.  It’s hard not to question why I’m still here.  Is there something left for me to do?  Is there a difference I’m supposed to make?  Is there something I need to be doing differently in my life?  In my heart?  In my mind?

I honestly have no clue.  Not yet.

But what I do have is a mirror.  And I intend to keep it as a reminder.  I’m putting it up beside my bed and I intend to look into it every morning before I start each day.  I want it to serve as a reminder that I’m still here.  And as long as I see my reflection staring back at me, my job here is not done.

***

“Here is the test to find out if your mission on Earth is finished:  If you’re alive, it isn’t.”
– Richard Bach

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05

Apr. ’13

Helpers

helpers

Well, here we are.  The dreaded day after.

Not only am I hurting (holy cow, am I sore!), but now comes the fun part.  Dealing with the car insurance, the hospital bills, worrying about how to get new transportation, worrying about missing work, worrying about driving again and not being with the kids while I’m lying around recuperating, etc. etc. etc.  If I let myself get caught up in thinking of all of that, I could get pretty depressed.  And actually almost did this morning.

But then, I remember.

As Mr. Rogers so eloquently put it in his quote above, I need to remember the ‘helpers.’  Not only the helpers that were at the scene yesterday – most of which I don’t even know their names and will most likely never see again – but also the helpers that are still here.  The ones who have called to check on me, who have read my blog, who have sent out their well wishes through the internet.  My boss and co-workers who are understanding and picking up the slack from my not being there today, my kids for calling and texting to check on me and their dad for graciously taking care of them and telling me not to worry and to stay at Richard’s and rest.  And dear, sweet, wonderful Richard.  Who has taken me in and cooked dinner for me and made sure I was comfortable and asked me how I was feeling every 10 minutes or so.  And who has offered me a vehicle to drive until everything else gets worked out.  My dad, who has called multiple times to make sure I’m still ok, my grandma, my mom, my siblings, my close friends, etc. etc. etc.

I am truly surrounded by goodness.  Sweet, kind, unselfish goodness.

Yes, it stinks that I was in a wreck and totaled my car.  And yes, the aftermath of the paperwork and tediousness may make me crazy for a while.  But I just have to remember to make myself stop and reflect.  Stop and look around and realize how truly blessed and loved that I am.  Remember that I’m not alone and never will be.

Remember the helpers.

***

“You have not lived today until you have done something for someone who can never repay you.”
– John Bunyan

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05

Apr. ’13

Just Like That…Again

A few weeks ago, I was the first to arrive at an accident.  Click here to read the blog I wrote about it.

And then today, on my way home from work in the ice and snow, this happened to me:

carbooboocollage

These pictures were taken at the place where the car was towed, not at the scene.  Had they been taken at the scene, the car wouldn’t be sitting right side up.  And it wouldn’t be on level ground.  It would be down over a bank.

But let me back up a little.

If you haven’t read my old blog entry, what I’m about to say probably won’t have as much of an effect.  As for me, the one who was there – the effect is surreal.  I still can’t quite wrap my mind around it.

So, I was on my way home from work today.  I left early so that I could take my son to a doctor’s appointment (which ended up being canceled due to the weather – go figure).  The weather was getting pretty rough, but I’ve driven in this stuff a million times.  When you live an hour one-way from where you work, traveling is not a big deal.  I’ve driven through it all.  I’m not saying I’m careless…I know when to slow down and when to take it easy.  But I’ve never been one to shy away from driving somewhere because of road conditions.  So, off I went.

The roads were horrible.  I hadn’t seen them like this in a while.  It happened so suddenly and unexpectedly.  I hadn’t heard anything forecasted like this and wasn’t really ready for how quickly the road conditions changed.   And – just like that – I lost control.

Everything is really a blur to tell you the truth.  The EMT workers explained to me (like I heard them to do the woman in my previous blog a few weeks ago) that it’s not uncommon for you to lose your memory temporarily after something like this.  All I remember is losing control of the car.  I vaguely remember being upside down more than once (I’m told now that the car probably flipped twice on the way down the bank), and I remember opening my eyes after it was all over.  I remember looking around the car and realizing that everything was everywhere.  Stuff I didn’t even know I had in the car was now laying on the seat beside me, in the floorboard, in my lap, etc.  I began to frantically search for my phone.  I wasn’t even sure what I was going to do when I found it.  I just wasn’t thinking straight.  I tried to open my car door and, of course, it wouldn’t open.  The car was tilted on its side and I was stuck.  When I finally was able to find my phone in the middle of the clutter, my first call was not to 911 like any sane person would have done, but it was to Richard.  (I pause here to reflect on how different that call would have been a month ago.  Just one short month ago when Richard and I weren’t even talking and were trying to live our lives pretending the other didn’t exist.  Would he have still been the one I called?  Strangely, I’m certain he would have been.  But I digress…)  So, I called Richard and tried to frantically tell him what happened.  Before I could even get out one garbled sentence, I heard a voice from outside the car.  I turned around and realized for the first time that there was no back window anymore on my car.  An elderly man was calling to me from the outside asking if I was ok.

I was actually shocked that anyone was there.  When I lost control of the car, I was on a road where there was no traffic.  And after looking around me, I realized that I had gone down over a steep bank and could not be seen from the road.  I asked him how he knew I was there and he said he and his son were passing by and saw my tire tracks in the ice and snow and saw the broken fence.  They pulled over and looked down the bank and saw my car and didn’t hesitate to climb down the bank and come to me.  They helped me out of the car through the only door that would open – the passenger side.  Once I got out of the car, I realized that I wasn’t exactly as ok as I thought I was.  The world was spinning and I got the first sensations of a headache.  The man and his son helped me climb the bank up to the road and get into a truck (their truck?  I’m not even sure).  Eventually people started arriving and the rest is pretty much a blur.  As I began to calm down, I realized my head really really hurt.  At some point a woman got into the truck and began talking to me.  I’m still not sure who she was or why she was there…except that I think I heard her say she lived down the road.  And at one point while she was talking to me, I looked down and realized something that brought a flood of memories back to me.  I was holding her hand.  Holding her hand.  Just like the woman in my last blog held mine.

At this point, I finally started to cry.  In fact, I sobbed.  Through my incoherence and tears, I tried to explain to her how very grateful I was that she, and all of the other people were there.  I finally knew how the woman in the white car felt.  I was now the woman in the white car.  And I was the one in need of the kindness of strangers.

Richard soon arrived and I don’t remember much after that.  He took over with all the details (talking to the police officer, gathering my things, etc.) and I was whisked away in an ambulance due to the nice size knots forming on my noggin.  After a painful ambulance ride, a million questions, and a CT scan, it was deemed that my mother had always been right…I really am hard-headed.  This exceptionally thick skull of mine finally served its purpose and kept everything inside safe.  I was going to be ok.

Now, ready for the good part?

As they were rolling me into the hospital, all I could think about was “Denise.”  The woman in the wreck a few weeks ago. I was pretty sure her name was Denise.  And I remembered her saying she worked at this hospital.  This hospital.  So, I asked for her.  The technician who was working on me at the time said that yes, he did know her, and was she a friend of mine?  I didn’t really know how to answer that or explain why I was asking about her.  So I didn’t.  I just said, “this happened to her.”

And a few minutes later, there she was.

It was surreal.  There I lay on the stretcher, the same way she laid just a few short weeks ago, and now it was her by my side.  She remembered me – of course she remembered me – and again, she held my hand.  We talked and talked.  She told me how she was doing (oh how many times I wondered that) and told me that she thought of me many times and wondered who I was and why I had stopped for her that day.  I told her how much I now realized what she had went through and how grateful I was that our paths had crossed again in this fateful, ironic way.  While the doctors and nurses swirled around us, we just talked.  Just like old friends.  Old friends whose paths had crossed at a time when they needed to.  And were now crossing again – for the same reason.

I’m not even sure how to put into words what I’m trying to say here with this blog.  The girl who is always so full of words is finally somewhat speechless.  There’s a lesson to be learned here and I’m grasping trying to figure out what it is.  Perhaps my head will be a little clearer tomorrow when it doesn’t hurt quite so much.  But for tonight, through the pain, this is all I know to tell you.  Everything – everything – happens for a reason.  What you sow, you will reap.  Reach out and help someone when you can, because next time it might be you that needs the help.

Next time, you might be the woman in the white car.

***

“There’s nowhere you can be that isn’t where you’re meant to be…”
– John Lennon

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03

Apr. ’13

Week-old Miracles

Twins

“Hearts entwined
Twenty fingers, twenty toes,
two sweet babies with cheeks of rose.
Born on the same day, two gifts from above,
lives entwined, two babies to love.”
– Author Unknown

A week ago today, my beautiful sister Jenny gave birth to the little identical angels you see above.  She was only 30 weeks pregnant. 

I live about eight hours away from her, and when I got the call that she was going into labor this early, I knew there was no way I would make it in time for the birth.  And given that she was so early in her pregnancy, I was terrified.  I had no idea what to expect, but I’ll admit that my expectations were not good ones.  It was so early in the pregnancy – and there were going to be two babies.  Both of those factors led me to fear the worst.  I was so afraid for my sister.

But – less than an hour after the news that she had arrived at the hospital, I got the call that the babies were here.  Big sister Trinity arrived first by c-section weighing in at a whopping 2 pounds, 10 ounces, followed by “little” sister Serenity weighing 3 pounds, 2 ounces.  Mommy and babies were all doing wonderful!  Of course, since the little ones were so tiny – they were going to have to be transferred to the neonatal intensive care unit at Vanderbilt Children’s Hospital in Nashville, TN.  This is about an hour from where their Mommy had to stay for a few more days.  I can’t even imagine what my sister went through during the interim while she waited to see her babies.  She’s a tough one, I know that.

My car didn’t seem to be able to go fast enough to get me there to see those sweet little babies.  I honestly had no idea what to expect as far as how they would look.  But when I saw them for the first time, I was absolutely amazed.  I knew they’d be small…but that small??  Was that even possible?  And they just looked like…well, like babies.  Teeny tiny little babies.  I guess I expected there to be something “different” about them since they were so early.  But nope.  They were just perfect little ten-fingered, ten-toed, crying little angels. 

It’s hard to put into words how much I felt during those days I was able to visit them in that hospital.  First of all, I was simply amazed at the marvels of modern medical equipment.  Thank goodness Jenny had those babies during this day and time when all of these medicines and machines are available to us.  Thanks to incubators, feeding tubes, IVs, etc., my little nieces slept peacefully in their little isolated shelters.  And the nurses were incredible.  They say a picture is worth a thousand words, so I’ll let this picture of little Serenity’s nurse’s “uniform” speak for itself:

nurse

So, in addition to the amazing medical care my nieces are getting – I was also blown away by the sheer miracle of their existence.  Standing there looking down at these little 2-pound humans had a profound affect on me.  As I said to my brother, “It’s amazing that these teeny tiny little babies are going to be screwed-up adults like us one day.”  (Yeah, I’m known for my deep philosophical quotes in serious moments such as this one.)  But think about it – isn’t that crazy!?  We were all tiny babies once.  Maybe not quite as tiny as my little nieces, but still.  Something about that just amazed me when I took the time to think about it.  Everything they are going through right now will not even register in their memory one day.  They’ll go on to be adults and have babies of their own and live, laugh, love, make mistakes, make amends…just like the rest of us.  What a miracle life is, isn’t it?  And watching my sister take care of them – wow.  That too touched my heart.  I remember when Jenny herself was just a tiny little baby (she’s 11 years younger than me).  That little tiny person is now the mom of these little tiny persons.  Crazy, man.  Just crazy.

Here’s a pic I got of her “feeding” little Trinity for the first time (she’s fed breast milk through a feeding tube):

jenfeeding

Oh, I could just go on and on and on with this blog, but I guess I better wrap it up.  I just wanted to give a shout out to my beautiful new twin nieces and welcome them to this world; to pay tribute to my amazingly strong sister Jenny for being exactly the mommy those two babies needed; and to just make a general observation that life truly is a pretty awesome thing. 

Welcome to this crazy ride, Trinity and Serenity.

***

“A baby is God’s opinion that the world should go on.”
– Carl Sandburg

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02

Apr. ’13

10 Miles….

“Believe that you can run farther or faster. Believe that you’re young enough, old enough, strong enough, and so on to accomplish everything you want to do. Don’t let worn-out beliefs stop you from moving beyond yourself.”
– John Bingham

Ok. Today is the day that I’m supposed to run 10 miles.

What the crap? TEN miles??

I’m not feeling extremely positive about this right at the moment. After all, I struggled with just 3 yesterday. It’s amazing how different some running days are from others. Those runs fall into that whole “momma said there’d be days like this” category, I suppose. So, after having such a crappy running day yesterday, my mind is screaming at me that I’m just not ready for this 10-miler and maybe I should skip it. Maybe I should just wait and do a few more short runs and try the longer run later. Maybe it’s not time for me to step it up just yet and I should hold back a little. Maybe this. Maybe that. Excuse. Excuse. Excuse.

But then I remember something.

I’m not a quitter.

I’m just not.  In other non-running areas of my life, I’ve always been very determined to see things through.  My mom has always told me that determination is one of my finest qualities.  (Although, I’m certain it’s also been the culprit of some of my downfalls at times…but we’re not talking about that right now…)  Point is, if I can be determined in other areas of my life, I can be determined in this one too.

I can do this.  I can do this.  I can do this.

Every increase in mileage in my training plan has caused this same fear in me.  I remember when I did 5 miles for the first time.  All I could think of was how I barely made it to 5, now how was I going to do 6?  Then I did 6 miles, and had the same thought about 7. And so on. And every time, I stepped up to the challenge. Every time. Today will be no different.

longrunpic2

Today, after a long, tedious workday, I am going to put my running shoes on, and I’m heading out the door.  I’m going to get my playlist ready to play the strongest, most powerful running music I can find, I’m going to bring along my nifty little water bottle that straps to my hand, I’m going to clear my mind of any of life’s annoyances that might be bothering me, and I’m going to run 10 miles.  That’s just all there is to it.

Oh, and besides, I have a fail-proof plan.  I know I can run 5 miles.  There’s no question about that.  So, I’m just going to run 5 miles away from my car.  Then I have no choice but to come 5 miles back or I can’t go home.  See?  I’m a genius.

Ok, people.  Today is the day I become a double-digit runner.  Let’s do this.

longrun4

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