Tag Archives: heartbreak

The Bear

So, in all my hustle and bustle with getting ready for this half marathon that I just ran [If you’re new to my blog, here is the link to that one: https://missyspublicjunk.wordpress.com/2013/05/04/i-did-it/], I kinda sorta forgot about something. I’m signed up for another race in July.

The Bear.

*Sigh*

Holy crap. Do you SEE this thing? If you’re local, you probably know all about it. If you’re not – well look at that picture. A 1,541 elevation climb in 5 miles up Grandfather Mountain in Linville, North Carolina. They limit the run to 800 runners and slots usually fill up within the first two or three days after sign-ups open.

Oh. Dear. God. What the heck was I thinking???

Oh yeah, now I remember.

I signed up for this race, and the half marathon, during the time that Richard and I were split up. I was so incredibly determined to prove to myself that I was tough. On the outside and on the inside. I was going to devote my life (and overactive mind) to training for these races and show the world – and me – what I was made of.

Well, that was four months ago. Richard and I found our way back to each other (yay!) and life is pretty awesome. So, I have nothing to prove now, right? No need to climb a dumb ol’ mountain. It’s allll good.

Except. Well. I think I still need to do it.

Turns out, proving to myself that I’m strong didn’t really have anything to do with that breakup. Actually, I think I have been needing to do this for a very long time. Sometimes something comes along in your life … whether it be a breakup, a financial crisis, a family problem, whatever … and you suddenly start to see things like you haven’t seen them before. Your slumbering senses are awakened. You realize something needs to change. And once you make that realization, going backwards is not an option. It’s just not.

I’ve never seen myself as strong before. I’ve had other people tell me I was. I can look back on things that I’ve made it through (cancer, divorce, etc.) and realize that I must have been at least somewhat strong to get through it all. But I didn’t feel strong. Hearing others say it just didn’t do anything. I needed to hear me say it. And I just couldn’t.

And then I discovered running.

I discovered something that gives me strength. Something that I can do to continually prove to myself that I can do so much more than I realized I was capable of. With each additional mile and each additional intensity level, I amaze myself with what my body can do. I just had to train my mind to tell my body it was possible.

And now it’s time to do that again.

I’m sure I won’t be the fastest person up that mountain. Just like I wasn’t the fastest person to finish that half marathon. But I’ll tell you what – I sure did run that half marathon faster than I’ve ever run one before. And I sure will run those 5 steep miles in Linville faster than I ever have run them before too. That’s a guarantee.

I can do this. I will do this. I will climb this mountain in July just like I’ve climbed all of the metaphorical mountains that came before it. Only this time, I’ll be aware of my strength. And I will be proud.

Then? Then, I will file this memory away with all of the others, so that I can recall it the next time I see a mountain in my life that I feel like I won’t be able to climb. This will remind me that I can. And I will.

Hmmm. Maybe that’s what this running thing is about after all.

***

“It is not the mountain we conquer but ourselves.”
– Edmund Hillary

Posted by Melissa Edmondson. Categories: Freestyle Writings/Musings, Running. Tags: 5 miles, blog, change, dating, friendship, heart, heartbreak, inspiration, inspirational, love, motivation, motivational, passion, performance, photos, Quotes, race, relationships, run, runner, running, the bear, writing. 1 Comment

Apr. ’13

I’m a Monkey

MissyRambles

So, I heard something today that shouldn’t have any psychological significance. I should have listened to it, saw it for the literal story that it was probably meant to be, and went on with my day. But nope, not me. Not Melissa. I have to think and analyze everything until there’s nothing left. So, here goes.

I keep wondering why I have let such a short (albeit intense) relationship get to me as bad as this last one did. I always pout when a relationship doesn’t work out (which has happened PLENTY of times), but this one was different. This one cut deep. Not just because I miss my friend (which I do), but also because it has made me question who I am. It has made me question my worthiness, my intuition, and most importantly – my inability to fully trust another person. And I have no idea why this is happening. But I heard…

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Posted by Melissa Edmondson. Categories: Freestyle Writings/Musings. Tags: blog, heartbreak, relationships, writing. 1 Comment

Apr. ’13

Unreachable

Someone mentioned this poem the other day and I decided to go back and look at it. I wrote this a long time ago. And I’ll be honest – there has always been something about it that hasn’t exactly sat well with me. You know what I mean? For goodness sakes, I wrote the darn thing. So I should like it, right? I should believe it. But something about it just bothers me. Can’t quite put my finger on it. Maybe because it could be construed as ‘giving up’? Maybe. But sometimes giving up is a requirement, right? It’s necessary. There’s no other choice.

Maybe it just bothers me because there’s such a thin line between ‘giving up’ and ‘moving on.’

I don’t know.

You be the judge. What do you think?

Unreachable

Have you ever tried to climb a tree with no branches?
Oh, it is the most frustrating thing!
You know that reaching the top would be wonderful –
So many awesome possibilities –
So much possible potential –
Such a beautiful view!
But how do you get up there when there are no branches –
No stepping-stones along the way –
No one to help you?
You begin to think . . . maybe this tree isn’t meant to be climbed.
Maybe I’m not ready just yet.
Maybe I should just admire the view from the ground for a while.
After all, who knows?
Maybe there is another tree just around the bend.
It may not be as majestic and beautiful…
But it probably has branches.
Maybe, just maybe
It will even bend down to help me up.
Maybe it’s time to move on.

Good-bye to old unattainable dreams.
Hello to new, realistic ones.

Posted by Melissa Edmondson. Categories: Poetic Musings. Tags: blog, branches, change, death, dreams, giving up, heart, heartbreak, history, inspiration, inspirational, loss, love, motivation, motivational, moving on, passion, photos, poetry, Quotes, relationships, tree, writing. Leave a comment

Apr. ’13

Uncomfortable

I was at my boyfriend’s house over the weekend and his big, sweet cat came and plopped himself on me. He was stretched at an obviously awkward angle with his little head burrowed into my chest. Richard made some comment about how much “Mittens loves me” and I responded with, “No, I think Mittens just likes having a comfortable place to lay.” Richard’s response: “No way. Look at him. That doesn’t look comfortable – that looks like love.”

“That doesn’t look comfortable – that looks like love.”

Such a seemingly innocent, yet ultimately profound statement. I mean, think about it. How many times does this end up being the case? Love just really isn’t always all that comfortable. Ya know?

Let me give you a few examples to explain where I’m headed with this.

I mentioned in a previous blog that I watched my cousin feeding my grandpa in the nursing home a few weeks ago. I know she got tired of that. She stood there for a very long time and I’m sure she got tired of all of that standing. I’m sure her legs were sore. I’m sure her arms got sore from the time it took to feed him. I’m sure it was hard trying to understand what he was telling her and what he was asking for through his incoherent rambling. I’m sure it was…well…uncomfortable.

That doesn’t look comfortable – that looks like love.

I remember watching my daughter once serve as a capo for my boyfriend’s guitar. No, really. He was using a capo-less guitar that didn’t belong to him to play a requested song for my family at a holiday get-together. My daughter jumped up and offered to hold it for him so it would sound right. She stood there and pressed down on the strings as he played. It was just so darn cute. Here, I’ll show you.

And afterwards? Bless her heart, she had grooves in her little fingers from where she had to press so hard. But she was so proud to have helped.

That doesn’t look comfortable – that looks like love.

I watched my sister stand for hours beside the incubators of her newborn premature twin babies. I know she got tired standing there. I know it wasn’t the most comfortable thing to stand there and hold a syringe up above the babies so that their milk could flow down through their feeding tube. I know that as a brand new mom it certainly wasn’t comfortable trying to work around all of the wires and monitors to change a teeny tiny little squirming baby’s diaper. I know it’s not comfortable giving up hours and hours of her days traveling to and from the hospital that is close to 2 hours away while she continues to take care of them during the many weeks they remain in neonatal intensive care until they’re big enough to go home. But she does it.

That doesn’t look comfortable – that looks like love.

Another example. I’m training for a half marathon. And it is SO hard. I get frustrated with myself at times. My legs hurt. I’m tired. It’s difficult to squeeze in the time required to devote to the training. But you know what? I love running. Why? Because it’s making me a better person. In more ways than I can count. Running all those miles at one time? No – definitely not comfortable. But is it love? Yes. Love for the sport and love for the me that I’m becoming as I struggle through the discomfort. It’s not comfortable – it’s love.

These are just a few personal examples, but look around and you’ll see so many more. Watch the coverage from the Boston marathon a week ago today. I’m sure you’ve seen the picture of Carlos Arredondo. He is the man who ran alongside a wheelchair holding an exposed leg artery closed for a complete stranger so that he wouldn’t bleed to death. Comfortable? No, of course not. Love for a complete stranger? Sure looks like that to me.

There are so many examples that surround us at any given time. Love wears such a vast array of costumes. And more often than we may realize – it’s disguised in discomfort.

We live in a society where love is portrayed in romance novels and movies to be all butterflies and rainbows. The prince ends up with the princess. They live in their castle and with the birds chirping and the sun shining for the rest of their lives. Must be nice. But out here in the real world? Yeah, love is a different story out here. Love takes work. It takes sacrifice. It takes eyes that see past the flaws and faith that believes beyond the impossible.

My boyfriend and I have been through some tough times. We both have had issues to rise above and move past. Sometimes we’ve given up temporarily, but we keep finding our way back. We sometimes find ourselves surrounded by reminders that take us back to things we’re trying to forget. We sometimes have outside influences that, knowingly or not, chip away at what we’re trying to build together. And sometimes our own selfishness and insecurities do the chipping without any help. No, love is definitely not always butterflies and rainbows. Sometimes it’s just plain….uncomfortable. It hurts, it’s hard, it takes work. But yet, we stay. Why do we do that? Why are we still here?

Well. You know.

That doesn’t look comfortable – that looks like love.

***

“It ain’t pretty, but it’s beautiful
Our love ain’t perfect, but it’s wonderful
We’re still learning to be loveable
It ain’t pretty, but it’s beautiful.”

– Clay Walker (It Ain’t Pretty lyrics)

Posted by Melissa Edmondson. Categories: Freestyle Writings/Musings. Tags: blog, change, changed, dating, family, flaws, friendship, heart, heartbreak, inspiration, inspirational, loss, love, loyalty, motivation, motivational, passion, Quotes, relationships, running, theatre, uncomfortable, writing. 7 Comments

Apr. ’13

Problems?

“The huge problems we deal with every day are actually really small. We’re so focused on what bothers us
that we don’t even try to see our lives from a clearer perspective.”
– Susane Colasanti

I saw the above picture on Facebook yesterday. The “someecards” are meant to be funny usually. But every now and then, one pops up that is spot freakin’ on.

(I don’t mean to be snarky with this blog, but if the snark slips out, so be it.)

We humans sure are a bunch of complainers aren’t we? Don’t believe me? Go scroll through your Facebook for a minute or two. Seriously. Go right now and scroll. I’ll bet you $100 and a Snickers that you’ll see someone complaining about something. I’m not saying I’m not guilty of it myself at times. I am. But some people just seem to be pros. For real.

“The people who live in a golden age usually go around complaining about how yellow everything looks.”
– Randall Jarrell

How much truth there is in that quote. Sometimes I think we just forget to realize how incredibly blessed we are. And this week is one of those weeks that should drive that point home for you. And if it hasn’t yet, then maybe it should start now. Ask yourself a few questions. For instance – Are your limbs still intact? Are your loved ones still around you? Do you still have a place to work? To live? Have you gone through the week without being a firsthand eye-witness to a bloody, fiery trauma?

If your answer is yes to those questions, then I’d say you’re in pretty good shape.

Now, I’m not saying people are sick of hearing you complaining. Maybe they are, maybe they aren’t. Hey, it’s your life – it’s your Facebook – it’s your soapbox. Do what you will. You’re allowed. But, that’s not my point.

My point is that for you – for your own well-being and your own peace of mind – you should probably stop complaining about things that, in the grand scheme, are really not that big of a deal. And you know they’re not. It’s really hard to find peace within yourself if you’re constantly in turmoil. And that’s what complaining is. It’s turmoil. Give yourself (and – ok, I’ll say it – everyone else) a break, why don’t ya? Chill out. Relax. Be calm. Recognize.

Look around you. See what others have been through in our country in this one little week. One week filled with so much devastation. Fall down on your knees and be grateful and appreciative. Go hug your kids. Go kiss your spouse. Go pet your dog. Take a big, deep breath and exhale gratitude.

***

“Remember, if you are criticizing, you are not being grateful. If you are blaming, you are not being grateful. If you are complaining, you are not being grateful.”
– Rhonda Byrne

Posted by Melissa Edmondson. Categories: Freestyle Writings/Musings. Tags: accident, blog, boston, change, changed, complaining, current events, death, family, friendship, health, heart, heartbreak, inspiration, inspirational, loss, love, motivation, motivational, photos, problems, Quotes, relationships, writing. 2 Comments

Apr. ’13

And still.

The week goes on. New horrible news has filled the TV screen. We go back to work. We continue with our daily lives and go back to the way things were before we heard about it.

And still.

I continue to blog. I continue to write on other topics. But still it sits there. Waiting for more to be said. More to be done. But what? What can we do? What can we say?

And still.

Still the thoughts won’t go away. Won’t leave my mind. Something is begging to be said. But I have no idea what it is.

My thoughts keep going back to Kathrine Switzer, the first woman to ever officially run the Boston Marathon. (Other women ran, but weren’t allowed bib numbers to show that they were “official” runners and to have their results included among the male runners. Kathrine registered using her initials only and was given a bib number. Once the “mistake” was discovered, race officials stormed the track and tried to remove her numbers, but other male racers formed a barrier around her and her boyfriend shoved them away.) Kathrine is quoted as saying this:

“If you lose faith in humanity, go out and watch a marathon.”

On Monday when I first heard the news, that quote immediately popped into my mind. And I didn’t want that quote to be tainted by having it discovered that the bombing was intentional. But, of course, it was confirmed that it was no accident. Someone did this on purpose. On purpose.

And still.

Still, that quote was there. I couldn’t get it out of my head. But doesn’t this event erase that quote? Shouldn’t what happened serve to prove that humanity is somehow tainted now and Ms. Switzer’s words no longer stand true?

No.

No, it does not.

I have struggled so much with this. And I’ve finally figured out why that quote doesn’t want to leave my mind.

It’s still true.

“If you lose faith in humanity, go out and watch a marathon.” Yes. Watch the 117th running of the Boston Marathon. Watch what happened surrounding the horrible, unfathomable bombing that took place at the finish line. Watch how people immediately responded and started helping each other. Watch how perfect strangers lifted each other off the ground and carried each other where further help awaited. Watch how marathoners ripped off their shirts on the spot and used them as tourniquets to stop blood flow on the injured. Watch how Dr Vivek Shah, an orthopedic surgeon who was just ready to approach the finish line area when he heard the blasts, continued to run towards the scene and immediately began using his expertise to aid the victims. Watch how other finishers passed the 26.2-mile finish line and continued running an extra 2 miles to Massachusetts General Hospital where they donated blood.

Further still.

Listen to the stories that followed in the days to come. Listen to the story of Laura Wellington. Laura was one of the ones who did not finish and was still running when the blast occurred. She knew that her family and friends were waiting at the finish line and didn’t know if they were safe. Once she finally found out what was happening and, after wandering around alone and in fear for her loved ones, was finally able to contact a member of her party to confirm their safety, she fell to the ground crying with relief. By this point, a couple, one of whom had finished the marathon, was walking in the same area and stopped to ask if she was ok. She convinced them she was and, after explaining the situation, the man, who had just worked so hard to obtain the coveted Boston Marathon medal, took that very medal from around his neck and gave it her. Just like that. Laura put out a plea on Facebook as what she thought was a hopeless attempt at locating this kind man who extended such a humane gesture to her – and was able to identify him. Brent Cunningham from Alaska. Brent now joins the list among the many, many little heroes that surround this tragedy.

And still.

Even now, on a smaller scale, look around you. Odds are that you probably know a runner. And most of us, not having any clue what to do to show our support, have done all we know to do. We just run. Running isn’t going to fix anything (at this point, what can really?), and it’s not going to change what happened in any way, but it is our attempt to show that our spirit remains untouched. We put on our fake little printed out Boston memorial “bibs” and run in honor of all who were affected in any way – including ourselves. We don’t know what to say. We don’t know what to do. So we run. We just run.

And still.

And still humanity stands firm. We are still what we were seconds before those blasts occurred. We are human beings who love each other; who care about each other; and who rise to the occasion when we’re needed. We keep moving.

We just keep moving. A little shaken, yes. A little confused, yes. Feeling a little helpless, yes. But still moving.

Still.

***

“You must not lose faith in humanity. Humanity is an ocean; if a few drops of the ocean are dirty, the ocean does not become dirty.”– Mahatma Gandhi

Posted by Melissa Edmondson. Categories: Freestyle Writings/Musings, Running. Tags: accident, blog, bomb, boston, change, changed, death, friendship, heart, heartbreak, inspiration, inspirational, loss, love, motivation, motivational, passion, photos, Quotes, race, relationships, runner, running, writing. 2 Comments

Apr. ’13

Boston

As a writer and a runner, I feel drawn to blog about what happened in Boston yesterday. But honestly, there just aren’t any words. There just aren’t. I don’t know what I can say that others before me haven’t already said. How do you make sense of such useless violence at an event that is supposed to be filled with joy and pride and unity?

All I know to say is what I posted on Facebook yesterday in the midst of the first news coming out about the bombings, and what I’ve turned to myself many times before (including most recently during my little personal “disaster”). These words from Mr. Rogers:

“When I was a boy and I would see scary things in the news, my mother would say to me, ‘Look for the helpers. You will always find people who are helping.’ To this day, especially in times of “disaster,” I remember my mother’s words and I am always comforted by realizing that there are still so many helpers – so many caring people in this world.”
– Fred Rogers

Knowing that good still exists is sometimes the only thing that gets you through things like this. Because it does. It truly does. For every nutjob, there are thousands of kind, good, caring citizens to help pick up the pieces from the destruction they leave behind.

Today, I will join the many runners across the nation who will be putting on our makeshift race bibs (see picture below) and running in honor of everyone who was affected by what happened yesterday – the victims, the injured, the families and friends, the bystanders, the runners (both present at the marathon and otherwise), and anyone else whose heart was broken by this blow to humanity. I’m due an 11-mile run, which will be the farthest I’ve run so far. No time like today. Will you join me?

Print out the bib below and pin it to your shirt. And run. I don’t care if you run 0.5 mile or 50. Just run. Just run. Do what we runners always do best – overcome adversity by putting one foot in front of the other and keep continuing to move forward.

***

“If you can’t fly, then run. If you can’t run, then walk. If you can’t walk, then crawl. But whatever you do, keep moving.”
– Martin Luther King, Jr.

Posted by Melissa Edmondson. Categories: Freestyle Writings/Musings, Running. Tags: accident, blog, bombs, boston, change, friendship, health, heartbreak, inspiration, inspirational, loss, motivation, motivational, passion, photos, Quotes, race, runner, running, writing. Leave a comment

Apr. ’13

Sing Anyway

This idea has been on my mind pretty heavy for the past few days.

I was just at auditions for a play. There are many people – mostly kids – who auditioned and will not get a role. And that makes me sad, but it’s just the way it is. When there are parts for 12 kids and 30+ show up for auditions, it’s inevitable that there will be some that won’t get roles. And here’s what I wish I could tell the ones who didn’t get a role this time:

Don’t give up. Try again.

And if you don’t get a role during the next show, try again the next time. And the time after that.

Auditions remind me of the tests the kids have to take in school. It’s one standardized test that every student has to take, regardless of their test-taking skills. I have always been one of those kids that was an excellent test-taker. I could cram that stuff in my brain just before time for the test, and then I would shine under pressure. And my grades reflected that. But there’s a problem with that. Once the test was over, so was the knowledge. I retained very, very little.

Now, on the other hand, you have the students who freeze when it’s time to take a test. When it’s time to actually transfer the knowledge that they actually have in their brain to little filled-in circles on a test sheet, they panic. It’s just too much pressure. Unlike the ones like me who crammed the knowledge in there 20 minutes prior to test time, these kids actually know this stuff. And will probably be able to apply it better later in life than the excellent test takers like myself. And yet – they are the ones who are deemed “failures” because of a score on a test. So unfair. But what’s the solution? What’s the answer to this problem? You got me.

Which brings me back to these auditions.

I know there were kids who were probably phenomenal singers and actors, but being up there trying to present yourself in front of a room full of people and beg them to like you…that’s some seriously scary stuff. Your best self may not exactly show through the fear. But that doesn’t mean it’s not there. It is. You just have to keep trying. Try, try, try. Over and over again. Eventually, who you are will bust through the fear and everyone will be able to see what was in there all along. If you want something – truly want something – you will make it happen.

And aside from that – sometimes, especially in theatre, whether or not you’re chosen for something may actually have little to do with your ability at all. Sometimes it’s that you weren’t the right look for the part. Maybe not the right height. Maybe not the right hair color. Etc. etc. etc. There are SO many factors in choosing a role in a theatre show. DO NOT TAKE IT PERSONALLY! Just get up, dust yourself off, and show up again the next time. Next time you might be exactly what they were looking for.

I’ll use my daughter as an example here. She hesitantly auditioned for the last show at this theatre. She was terrified, but she got up there and gave it her all anyway. And did she get the role? Nope. Not because she wasn’t “good enough.” Not by any means. She just wasn’t the right age for the part. But she tried anyway. And when she didn’t get the role, she graciously offered to help backstage (and did an excellent job I might add). She handled it with grace and didn’t take it personally. (Yet another reason why I want to be like her when I grow up.) And then, with that “rejection” filed away in the past, she got up and tried again. She auditioned for Annie, hoping to get a small role somewhere, and walked away with the lead. She’s Annie. Just like that. She went from not getting a role at all in the last show to getting the lead in this one. That’s how things work, people. It’s a fickle business, this acting stuff.

Kind of like life, ya know?

If it didn’t work this time, that doesn’t mean it will never work. Now may just not have been the right time. For a variety of reasons. But don’t let it stop you! Get up, and try again.

[I’ll interrupt here with a link to an interesting story of a theatre rejection I received once, and the director’s response years later to that rejection. Interesting stuff if you get a chance to take a look. Be sure you read the comment section too – that’s where the good stuff is.]

So back to the point. Yes – try again. Again and again and again. If you want it, it will happen. You may not be the “best” singer, the “best” actor, the “best” whatever. There’s always going to be someone who can do something “better” than you can. That’s just life. But that’s not the point. As Henry van Dyke put it, “Use what talents you possess: the woods would be very silent if no birds sang there except those that sang best.” The point is to do what you can do, and do it loud and proud.

And one day, you will be heard. I promise.

***
You can pour your soul out singin’
A song you believe in
Then tomorrow they’ll forget you ever sang.
Sing it anyway
– Martina McBride
(lyrics to Do It Anyway)

Posted by Melissa Edmondson. Categories: Freestyle Writings/Musings. Tags: acting, auditions, blog, change, daughter, heart, heartbreak, inspiration, inspirational, lyrics, motivation, motivational, passion, performance, photos, poetry, Quotes, song, theatre, writing. 1 Comment

Apr. ’13

April Fool

“‘Cause I’ve seen it all come and go before
I’m sure I’ll see it all again
But if I thought for one instant it might be love
I’d be the first one jumpin’ in…”
– Diamond Rio lyrics (“Here I Go”)

Ok. So, a little over a month ago, I wrote a blog about how I was going to take the whole year of 2013 off from dating and relationships. (Here’s the link if you’re interested.) Well, I figure there’s no better time than April Fool’s Day to update my readers on how that little notion has played out. Why April Fool’s Day? Well. I’m pretty sure this day was designed for fools like me. So since this is my own personal day, I figured I can confess a few things and you guys might go a little easier on me.

So with that preamble, I’m sure you know what I’m about to confess. Turns out, I wasn’t so great at that whole idea. But that’s ok.

And here’s why.

I heard some Alabama song lyrics again a while back and they really got to me. It’s a song called Lady Down on Love. Here are the lyrics:

“She’s got her freedom
But she’d rather be bound
To a man who would love her
And never let her down.”
– Alabama

That’s so me. It really is. Yes, I had my freedom. And yes, I was enjoying it to an extent. I have learned more about myself in these past three months than I may ever have before – and the only reason for that is that I just finally took the time to actually do it. And one of the biggest things that I’ve learned, and that I’ve come to accept, is that I really am a pretty positive person. I just am. I’m a glass half full kinda gal. Yes, I do get my feelings hurt at times, I do get let down when things don’t go my way, I do cry, I do get sad – I’m not saying I’m immune to all of that. But it’s all temporary. Once it passes, I get back up on that horse and I know that better things are around the corner. I really would “rather be bound,” so to speak. So, with this being the case, I tend to remain open to any possibilities. Including the fact that if something real came along, I wasn’t going to turn it away just because I said in some blog that I would.

Well, something real did come along. Again.

Actually, it never left.

Oh, I tried so hard to convince myself it was gone. I told myself over and over and over again that I was moving on. That I didn’t need “some guy” and that I was fine alone. And I would have been too. I know that now. But my heart absolutely refused to shut up. It just wouldn’t listen to me when I was trying to tell it that we didn’t love him anymore. He was everywhere. In the songs I heard. In the books I read. In the new guys I met (not that there were that many, mind you. But still.) There he was. Unfinished business is a tricky little fellow. It doesn’t go away until it’s dealt with. No matter how hard you try.

Now, being the open person I am, I would spout out all kinds of details if I sat here at this keyboard long enough and didn’t think it through. But just because I’m an open book – that doesn’t mean that everyone else is. So out of respect for the privacy of the people I love, I’m not going to get into the nitty gritty of the hows and whys things happened the way they did. Not even sure we know the answer to that ourselves to be honest with you. But the long and the short of it is this – I found my way back to my best friend. And I’m certain that he found his way back to his too. It has been a long road, and we’re still walking it, but we finally decided to try walking it together for a change. No more rushing ahead, no more falling behind…just walking together. Figuring it out as we go.

We like it better this way.

So, back to the original blog entry. Honestly – nothing has changed. I’m still on this “quest for me,” so to speak. That won’t be changing. I’m still going to be writing this blog. I’m still training for my half marathon. I’m still going to continue acting. I’m still going to be me. A stronger, healthier, more self-aware version of me, yes – but still me. Being in a relationship is not going to change that. Finally. I think maybe I’m finally learning to find that balance – that thin line that lies between giving your heart to someone, while at the same time still remembering to retain a big portion for yourself.

This:

Yeah. That.

So, there’s my update. I didn’t exactly do what I set out to do in the way that I set out to do it. But did I fail? Heck no. I’m in love and I’m trying. There’s definitely no failure in that.

Let’s go find out what the future holds…

***

“To lose balance for love is part of living a balanced life.”
– Elizabeth Gilbert

Posted by Melissa Edmondson. Categories: Freestyle Writings/Musings. Tags: acting, apology, blog, change, changed, dating, friendship, health, heart, heartbreak, inspiration, inspirational, loss, love, motivation, motivational, passion, photos, Quotes, relationships, sharing, update, writing. 5 Comments

Mar. ’13

Still Small Voice

Sounds so easy, doesn’t it? Someone belittles you, tells you that you can’t do something or that you won’t succeed…just kick ’em to the curb. Be done with them!

Yeah, well. Sometimes it’s not that easy.

Sometimes the person who does that to you is someone that is fully involved in your life. Someone that you can’t just leave. Maybe it’s a member of your family. Maybe it’s a boss at a job that you desperately need. Maybe it’s an ex-spouse who is the mother/father of your children and has to remain in your life. Maybe it’s an abusive relationship that you’re not able to get out of just yet for reasons only you know.

And oftentimes, because those are the people that may be around us the most, we think they are the people who know us best. And we put a lot of weight into what they have to say. As Kelly Clarkson puts it in her Mr. Know It All song lyrics:

“When somebody tells you something ’bout you
They think that they know you more than you do
So you take it down, another pill to swallow…”

Well, guess what?

They’re WRONG.

That’s it. Plain and simple. They are wrong. No need to ‘swallow that pill.’ Because they are human just like you and I are. And being human, that means that they are apt to being mistaken. (Pretty often actually.) And those times that they are belittling you and telling you what you can and can’t do? Those are those times.

They don’t know you better than you do. No one does. You know your heart. You know what’s in there – what you feel and don’t feel. Who are you and aren’t, what you can and can’t do. You know the you that no one else sees. The one that you might keep hidden for fear of not being accepted by the people in your life who are impossible to please. But you know it. It’s there. You may keep it hidden well (I’m sure you’ve had years and years of practice), but it’s still there. No matter how much you allow their words to pile up and form a barrier to hide it behind, the true ‘you’ is still there. It won’t be defeated. The still small part of you that still loves yourself keeps it under lock and key where no one can touch it. And you know that. Don’t you?

I have recently crossed paths with an abused woman. It has weighed very heavily on my mind. I’m haunted by the way her eyes look. So dead, so full of regret and sadness. And I’m so very very sorry for her. It’s so easy for people to tell her to leave – to tell her to get out of that situation. But I don’t know her life. No one does. Only she does. I hope that one day she finds her way out. In fact, I’m somewhat consumed with hoping for that. It amazes me that humans can be so cruel to one another. But in the meantime, until she finds her way, I wish I could tell her this. I wish I could tell her that I know it’s not easy. That you can read Mark Twain quotes until you’re blue in the face, but they aren’t going to pave the path out the door. They just aren’t. Things just aren’t as easy as they appear from the outside looking in.

But there is something that she can do. Something that you can do if you’re seeing yourself in what I’m saying. You can alter that Mark Twain quote a little. I don’t think he’d mind. Rather than saying to “keep away” from those people, why don’t we say to “keep YOUR HEART away” from them. Don’t let what they’re saying penetrate your heart.

As I said, you can’t always keep away from those people. Life just doesn’t always allow for an easy out. Sometimes it’s next to impossible. So do your best to keep that guard on your heart and don’t let those negative words through. You are your own best friend, ya know. If you’re not there for you, no one else is going to be. Stick up for yourself. Even if it’s just that small little voice inside, let yourself hear it. Don’t shut it up. Don’t let them win. Listen to what it’s saying. Do you hear that? Do you hear what it’s trying to tell them?

“You’re wrong.”

“You’re wrong. You’re wrong. You’re wrong.”

Keep listening. Practice hearing it over and over and over again. Eventually that voice will get louder and louder if you let it. And before you know it, it will sound almost just as loud as the negative voices coming from the outside. And then finally, when you’ve practiced enough and you’re fully ready, you’ll see that something amazing has happened.

That voice will be so loud that it drowns out the others.

It can happen. You just have to let it.

***

“It is the still small voice that the soul heeds,
Not the deafening blasts of doom.”
– William Dean Howells