Tag Archives: heart

15

Mar. ’13

Milestone

“I ran and ran and ran every day, and I acquired this sense of determination, this sense of spirit that I would never, never give up, no matter what else happened.”
– Wilma Rudolph

This week I hit a new milestone in my running.  I ran 6 miles without stopping.

milestoneblog2

So I titled this blog “Milestone.”  Heh.  Get it?  Milestone.  Oh, witty witty me.

Anyway…

So, yeah.  As you can see from the stats above, I’m not the fastest runner.  Not at all.  And, it was a treadmill run rather than an outside run (which people say is “easier,” but I beg to differ…).  And I know I still have a long way to go before I’m fully ready for this May 4 half marathon I’m signed up for.  I know there are more advanced runners looking at my accomplishment with a knowing smile remembering what it was like way back when they hit a little milestone like this.

But enough of that.  Enough trying to downplay what I just did.

Because, let me tell ya something.

While yes, there may be more advanced runners watching me way back here on my journey (while nevertheless cheering me on like I’ve won the lottery – because that’s how we runners roll), there’s also someone else watching me.

The March 2012 version of Melissa.

Oh yeah.  That girl was standing outside that gym with her hands cupped around her face looking through the window at me on that treadmill running 6 miles….and her jaw still hasn’t come up off the ground.  She’s astounded.  She would have never dreamed that this could be possible.  She couldn’t even run from the car to the front door of her house when it was raining outside to keep from getting soaked.  So, how on Earth could she be staring in this gym looking at this girl who just ran six miles?  SIX MILES?  And yes, it took her an hour and four minutes to do it.  But holy cow – she just ran for over an hour without stopping.  Ran!  For over an hour!  Hello?

Oh, that chick is proud.  Astounded, yes; flabbergasted, definitely; but oh so very proud.

And do you know who else is watching?

The Melissa of March 2014.  She’s one of those advanced runners I mentioned before.  She’s watching me with that all-knowing little grin on her face, wishing that I know now what she’s going to know then.  She wishes I could see that I am working towards such amazing and awesome things that my little mind can’t even comprehend them.  She wishes that I could know that everything is going to be great – my runs, my life, my heart – all of it.  She knows all of that, and just patiently smiles at me as she waits for me to catch up.

She knows that I’ve got this in the bag.  That no matter how long it takes, I’m going to do whatever I need to do to succeed.  She knows that I’m not going to let her down.  I’ve made promises to her that she knows I fully intend to keep.

She knows that I’m going to make it.

In honor of the ‘theme’ of this blog entry, I want to share something that I saw on the “Run Junkees” Facebook page:

Met a fellow runner named Chet over the weekend. He was an old school marathoner, completing his first in 1987. While running a marathon Chet happened along side a fellow runner who was best described as short and stout. Chet engaged the runner in a brief conversation and said “How’s it going?” The runner confidently said “Great! I’m running at world record pace”.  Chet inquisitively replied “World record pace, huh?”  The runner answered “Yep.  My world. My record. My pace.”

Yep.  That’s what running is all about, isn’t it?  Creating your own world – your own goals to reach, your own mountains to climb…your own personal milestones.

Ok.  Enough chatter.  Time to get back to work.

There’s someone in my future waiting for me to make her proud.

***

“The woods are lovely dark and deep, but I have promises to keep,
and miles to go before I sleep,
and miles to go before I sleep.”
– Robert Frost

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14

Mar. ’13

My Rock

timeblog

Ok, so I’m kind of silly.

A few months ago, I found this rock in a store.  It was during a time when I felt like nothing – not time, not distance, not space – NOTHING was going to heal my “wounds.”  But yet, ever the secret optimist, I bought it anyway.  And I put it in my pocket.  I’ve carried this little thing around every single day for two months.  (Well, except that week or two where I lost it – but then found it in the bottom of my gym bag where it had been hiding all along, and all was right with the world again.)

I have never been one for superstition.  Never believed in lucky charms or any of that mess.  But this rock is awesome.  Seriously.  Sometimes I’ll just put my hand in my pocket to feel it and know that it’s there.  I know it’s all in my mind – but that rock has worked miracles on me.  No doubt.  It has been my constant reminder that time really does heal.  It really truly does.

But today I had a thought.

I think I’m probably more “healed” right now that I’ve been in years.  I am in the process of making myself a better person.  I have a new outlook on life.  I’ve lost some things that needed losing; I’ve mended some things that needed mending; and I’m charging forward.  Full of life and determination and spunk.  I feel better than I have in a very long time.

So, here’s what I think I’m going to do.

I’m going to pass my rock on to someone who needs it more than I do.  It’s time.  It has served its purpose, and now I’m going to send it on and hope it does the same for the next person.  And when that person heals, which I know they will, then they can do the same for someone else.

Pipe dream?  Maybe.  But I think it just might work.

It’s kind of like this blog.  I write this stuff for me just as much as I do for anyone else.  I write it; I read it; I try to let it sink in and get into my heart – and then I pass it on to someone else, hoping and praying that it somehow touches someone somewhere and they see that everything really does get better.  It does.  You just have to believe it.  Believe it.  That’s it.

So, goodbye little rock.  Go do your thing.  You got this.

***

“He who moves a mountain begins by carrying away small stones first”
– Chinese proverb

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11

Mar. ’13

Letter to my Shin. No, seriously.

Dear Shin Splint,

Ok, we need to talk.

I’ve managed to run for almost a year now without ever knowing what the heck you even were.  And I was fine with that.  I heard people talk about you.  Heard a lot about you actually.  Heard you were a troublemaker.  Heard you were hard to beat.  But I hadn’t had the pleasure of meeting you yet.  I guess I figured you were too busy bothering everyone else to have time to visit me.

Ok, so I was wrong.

(That’s happened maybe once before in my life.  Ok, twice.)

But let me explain something to you.  I have no better way of saying this than to borrow some words of wisdom from none other than the great contemporary philosopher, Beyonce:

“You must not know bout me.”

Do you have any idea how important running is to me?  And how intent I am upon continuing to do it?  Psssh, dude, you can’t even touch my level of determination.  Many before you have tried.  My right knee is laughing at you as we speak.  He has been trying to stop me from Day 1, and he knows he doesn’t stand a chance.  My brain?  Whew.  That chick has you beat all day, every day, and twice on Tuesday.  She has told me SO many times that I’m not good enough to do this.  That I’m not strong enough, that I’m not “this” enough, that I’m not “that” enough.  She has absolutely begged me at times not to get out there and run.  But nope.  Even She hasn’t succeeded.

Because I have something that overpowers all of you.

My Heart.

Oh, honey, let me tell you about my Heart.  That girl is fierce.  She has taken a beating, been ripped in two, and has some mornings felt so heavy inside me that I felt like I couldn’t even get out of bed, much less go for a 4-mile run.  But no matter how exhausted, sad, and lonely She may be, She always – without fail – manages to whisper in my ear, “We can do this.”

“Get up.  Get out there.  WE can do this.”

And even with her little whisper, she speaks more loudly than you or any of your other troublemaker friends can even imagine.  She is who I choose to listen to.  She never ever lets me down.  She’s strong.  She’s tough.  She’s unstoppable.

So, I’m going to keep running.  See this?

shinsplintblog

This kind of thing is just too good for me to pass up.  You tag along if you want to, but you’re not going to stop me.  It’s too late for me to turn back now.  I’m in this for the long haul.

Hey – nice try, though.

Sincerely,

Running is Hard Enough Without Your Help, Go Away

***

“Find a place inside where there’s joy,
and the joy will burn out the pain.”
Joseph Campbell

Posted by . Categories: Freestyle Writings/Musings, Running. Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , . 2 Comments

11

Mar. ’13

Cemetery

“The only people without problems are those in cemeteries.”
– Anthony Robbins

bloggravepic
(Photo above is taken at one of my favorite places – an old, somewhat abandoned graveyard on Round House Road in Grayson County, Virginia.)

I like cemeteries.

I know.  Weird, right?  But I do.  I always have.  And I got it honest.  I remember my daddy and I going to cemeteries and just walking through them in silence.  Not really saying anything, not even discussing what the heck we were doing there or why, but just walking around, reading the stones.  I’m not really sure what he was thinking (hmmm…maybe I should ask), but I know what I was thinking.  I was inventing lives for the people in my head.  I was looking at the time differences between the deaths of couples and wondering what it was like for the survivor during the interim.  Wondering how often they sat at that very spot visiting the grave where they are now buried themselves.  Wondering if the death of their loved one changed them…made them live life differently after that, with more of a purpose or awareness of how it could all end at any time.

Yep, all that stuff went through my head even as a child.  I’ve always been weird.

Well, this weekend I found myself drawn back to the same abandoned cemetery that I seem to be drawn to a lot lately.  I hadn’t been there in a while because of the winter weather, so it was nice to visit again.  It’s almost like visiting an old friend in a way.  For some reason, no matter how down or low I’m feeling, I find myself feeling better when I’m surrounded by these graves.  How weird is that?  Sitting there, I wondered that very thing – why in the world does being around these seemingly forgotten graves make me feel at peace?  Then, it dawned on me.

I was surrounded by silence.

Hmmm.  Mystery solved.

I’m drawn to this particular spot because I’m forced into silence.  There’s no one to talk to, no one to listen to, no need to put on airs or be someone I’m not.  I can just be me in the stillness.  I can cry if I want.  I can smile.  I can feel nothing.  It’s all accepted.  I’m surrounded by spirits of those who have gone before me.  Those who have felt all of those feelings before and will never have the chance to feel them again.  I’m allowed to just be; to feel whatever I want, and know that I’m blessed to do so, and will not be judged.  I can be reminded that, unlike my unknown companions, I am still alive.  My heart is still beating.  There is still time to say the things that need to be said, time to apologize for any wrongdoings, or, in some cases, to just learn to simply let things be.  In the stillness, surrounded by my silent audience, I can say my goodbyes.  Not for anyone else’s sake, but for my own.  I can let go.

Then, the real world starts tapping on my shoulder, and I realize it’s time to leave.

I pick myself up; dust myself off; bid my silent friends a quiet farewell; and go back to the hustle and bustle that I call my life.

megraveblog

***

“Cemeteries are full of unfulfilled dreams… countless echoes of ‘could have’ and ‘should have’… countless books unwritten… countless songs unsung… I want to live my life in such a way that when my body is laid to rest, it will be a well needed rest from a life well lived, a song well sung, a book well written, opportunities well explored, and a love well expressed.”
– Steve Maraboli

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10

Mar. ’13

Landscape

bloggraveview

I went for a walk yesterday and stopped to take a picture of the scene before me.  And yes, I was a little mopey during the walk.  It happens.  It’s not all sunshine and roses with me, people.  I know – shocking.  Anyway, all that kept going through my mind was this beautiful, melancholy poem by Dorothy Parker.  This chick knew her stuff.

And I think she knows my heart.

Landscape
by: Dorothy Parker

Now this must be the sweetest place
From here to heaven’s end;
The field is white and flowering lace,
The birches leap and bend,

The hills, beneath the roving sun,
From green to purple pass,
And little, trifling breezes run
Their fingers through the grass.

So good it is, so gay it is,
So calm it is, and pure.
A one whose eyes may look on this
Must be the happier, sure.

But me- I see it flat and gray
And blurred with misery,
Because a lad a mile away
Has little need of me.

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21

Feb. ’13

Follow your Heart?

follow-your-heart1

I’ve been hearing this “follow your heart” stuff a lot lately.  “Your heart is on the left but it’s always right;” “Let your heart lead the way;” “In a conflict between the heart and the brain, follow your heart…”

Blah.  Blah.  Blah. 

And all I could think when I would see that stuff?  What a load of crap!  Because, frankly speaking, “following my heart” isn’t exactly an option these days.  Following my heart would just lead me to where I’m not wanted.  You know?  Maybe that silly saying just doesn’t apply to someone like me – someone whose heart gets her in trouble A LOT.  And it most definitely doesn’t apply to my current situation, that’s for sure.

Now, this?  This is more my style:

heart,brain

Ya know?  Ya feel me?

But, alas.  As what usually tends to happen when I think too much – somehow in the past few days, I’ve started thinking about this whole “follow your heart” mess in a different light.

Something that my co-worker has been known to say many times since I’ve known her is that the opposite of love is not hate, as you would normally think.  It’s apathy.  Not caring.  Deeming something (or someone) insignificant.  That’s how you know when the love is gone. 

Ohhhh!  Well there ya go.  There’s my problem.  I’m not even capable of apathy.  It’s not in my genetic makeup.  I can’t remember a single thing or person that I’ve been able to feel apathetic towards.  Ever.  I friggin care about EVERYTHING.  And that kinda sucks sometimes.

Or does it?

I remember my Mom telling me that for all of my life, even all the way back to when I was a toddler, I never knew a stranger.  I would make friends with absolutely anyone and just talk their head off.  My grandma said she used to be afraid that I would be kidnapped or something because of the simple fact that I would just go along with anyone and not sense any danger.  Well, some things never change, I suppose.  I’m still like that.  I still have a big heart and I extend it to anyone and everyone at a moment’s notice, without sensing any danger.  Is that a bad thing?  Maybe.  It does cause me to get hurt when I extend it to the wrong person at times, that’s for sure.  But would I want to stop doing that?  Would I want the alternative – a life without love and passion and kindness?

No way.

So, I guess maybe I’ve been looking at “follow your heart” in the wrong way.  It doesn’t mean chase after the person you love who doesn’t want you.  That’s ridiculous.  No, I think it just means: be true to yourself.  Follow your heart – the key to who you are.  Find out who you are, what makes you you, and don’t let anyone or anything interfere with that. 

Don’t let a painful event turn you into someone that you’re not. Keep living, keep loving (maybe just refocus it a little), and keep being you. 

Ok.  Now that I can do. 

 

“Keep your heart above your head
And your eyes wide open
So this world can’t find a way to leave you cold
And know you’re not the only ship out on the ocean
Save your strength for things that you can change
Forget the ones you can’t
You gotta let it go.”
-Zac Brown Band lyrics

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19

Feb. ’13

Flaws

flaws4

Whew.

So, I had the idea of writing a blog about flaws.  Not sure exactly where I was headed with that, but just thought it seemed to go along with a general theme I’ve had in my life lately.  When you go through a major life change (in my case, a breakup – but it can be anything, a job change, a move, a death of a loved one, etc.), it’s actually a good time to do a little reassessing. Ya know, looking around.  Trying to figure out who you are, why you’re here, etc., and use that information to make a fresh start.  And in my particular case, it has made me take a pretty good hard long look at myself and wonder what part I may have played in getting to where I am now.  Now, I’m not saying I’m beating myself up.  On the contrary, actually.  It’s just a little self-analysis.  A little realization of who I am – the good and the bad – and deciding what might need to be worked on.

So, that was the idea.  But.  Well.  That’s not exactly what ended up happening.

I didn’t realize what a can of worms this would open up.

I reached out to some friends (and even some exes if you can believe that) to ask them to be honest with me about what they saw in me that they would consider flaws.  Let me give you some examples of the answers I got.

  • An ex-boyfriend response: You were always wondering/worrying about my thoughts/feelings even when I insisted I was telling you the truth.
  • A close friend response: I feel that you are dependent on other people’s views & feelings toward you to determine your emotional state & self-worth.
  • Another ex-boyfriend: I always loved talking to you.  More than you know.  But when I would say I didn’t want to talk about something, you wouldn’t let it go.  I would get so mad, I would just shut down completely.
  • Another close friend:  I feel like you spend too much time searching for something externally to fill the God-sized hole inside of you.  [Wow.]
  • Another ex-boyfriend: I value my life too much to answer that question.  [Haha…that’s my favorite.]
  • Another close friend: You need to recognize your own worth and awesomeness more. [Ok nevermind, maybe that’s my favorite…and I actually got this response more than once.]

(Now, I could go in all kinds of tangents with analyzing those responses, but I’m going to try not to get too deep.  Just stating the facts here, peeps. )

  • Another notable response – When mentioning that I was writing this article, someone remarked: I think you’re just venting.  It’s time to move on.

Hmmm.  Ok.  We may have to come back to that one.  But first:

In doing all this ‘research,’ a friend of mine reminded me of the Jennifer Grey nose job story.  You’ll probably remember Jennifer Grey from Dirty Dancing.  But I’m willing to bet you that you don’t remember her from anything else.  After Dirty Dancing, she had a nose job.  Apparently she had a ‘bump’ on her nose (news to me) that she thought she needed to have fixed.  So, she did.  She saw a “flaw” and she zapped it.  But then, you know what happened?  Her career plummeted.  She was quoted as saying, “I went in the operating room a celebrity – and came out anonymous. It was like being in a witness protection program or being invisible. I remember going to a restaurant where I had been going for years. I ran into people I knew and would say, ‘Hey.’ Nothing. I’ll always be this once-famous actress nobody recognizes… because of a nose job.”  She was no longer even recognizable.  Now, I’m not saying she had been “known” for her nose or anything – but changing something that made her who she was made her someone that people didn’t even recognize anymore.  Fixing what she thought was a flaw, ended up changing her life.  And not for the better.

Ok, so I’ve thrown this random smorgasbord of information out here.  Now, what do I do with it?

Well, here we go.

So here’s what I have decided, and it all comes down to this: I’m a hot mess.  Yes, there are definitely some things that I could work on.  There are. (Being less insistent for responses from others being the main one that jumps out at me.)  But, so what!?  I’m a little insistent.  Big fat hairy deal.  Yes, I care a little too much what people think of me.  That’s a flaw.  It’s me.  It’s who I am.  Maybe that’s why I write?  For the responses I get from others?  For the feedback?  Eh, who knows…

Which brings me back to the remark about ‘venting.’

Is that what I’m doing?  Ok.  Maybe so.  But here’s my response to that.  Elizabeth Gilbert (author of Eat Pray Love) is one of my favorite authors of all time. She motivates me and she inspires me. If she had stopped “venting” and just moved on without writing about it, she wouldn’t be where she is today. And maybe I wouldn’t be where I am today without that influence.  So, in that same fashion, I’m not going to stop either.  Writing is therapeutic; it’s healing; it’s who I am.  I take what happens in my life and I vomit it out on paper for all the world to see.  Am I crazy?  Maybe.  Am I too transparent?  Maybe.  Am I making a fool of myself?  Maybe.  But let me tell you something.  As of my latest stat count, people have looked at this crazy transparent fool’s blog a grand total of 500 times.  500 times people have looked at what I have to say.  And if only one of those 500 times ended up being a time that touched someone’s heart and showed them that they aren’t alone in this crazy world we all live in, then it was worth it.  Unlike Jennifer Grey’s nose – this blog ain’t changing.  I’m not changing.  Flaws and all, here I am.

And on that note…I’ll leave you with a quote from Robert Porterfield, the founder of Barter Theatre in Abingdon, Virginia:

“If you like us, talk about us!
If you don’t, then keep your mouth shut.”

 

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