Tag Archives: heart

Movie Night

“You know what your problem is, it’s that you haven’t seen enough movies – all of life’s riddles are answered in the movies.”
– Steve Martin

So, last night, I made my honey watch a movie with me.

Ok, I didn’t “make” him. That’s a total lie. But it made me sound powerful, right? Like I’m one of those “I am woman, hear me roar!” types. I figured that sounded better for the blog than the actual truth. You know – to help with my whole ‘online persona’ thing I got goin on. Because honestly? Well, honestly, it went a little more like this…

Me: “Honey, is there a game on tonight or anything?”
Him: “Well…”
Me: “Oh, ok, never mind. It’s fine.”
Him: “What were you going to say?”
Me: “Oh, nothing. It’s fine. Really.”
Him: (*sigh*) “Melissa. What. Were. You. Going. To. Say?”
Me: “Welllll….I have this movie I was wanting to watch…”
Him: “Ok, that’s cool.”
Me: “Are you sure? We can watch the game if you want. It’s fine.”
Him: “No, let’s watch the movie.”
Me: “But it’s kind of a chick movie…are you sure?”
Him: “Yep. Let’s watch the movie.”
Me: “If you were really wanting to watch the game….”
Him: “Melissa. Go. Get. The. Movie.”

(See how this works? I laid down the law, right? I’m badass.)

Ok, so anyway, back to the topic.

So, we watch the movie and something about it just resonates in me. I can’t really explain it. I’m sitting there watching what is supposed to be a comedy (which it was, with some laugh-out-loud moments that you may not want to have your kids around for…), but yet somehow the underlying meaning of the whole thing was just hitting me like a ton of bricks. And so what do I do?

I cry.

No, I don’t just cry. I SOB. The waterworks would. not. stop. I mean it. The tears, the hiccups, the snot….we’re talking the whole nine yards, people. I mean, what the heck was up with that?! And poor Richard….

Him: “Why are you crying?”
Me: “I’m fine.”
Him: “Is something wrong?”
Me: “No…” *hysterical sob* “…really, I’m fine…” *hiccup*
Him: “Melissa, what is wrong?”
Me: “Nothing!” *sniff* “I’m fine!”

(Thank God I don’t date women. That crap would drive me crazy.)

Ok, so for poor Richard’s sake (and for mine too, I suppose), care to join me as I try to figure out what the heck was going on with me? (This should be interesting…)

So, the movie is “The Five-Year Engagement.” Heard of it? Seen it? From what I’ve read, the reviews weren’t all that great, but I don’t really understand why. I thought it was a great, real look at a couple trying to figure out what the heck they’re doing together. What was supposed to be a quick wedding after a short one-year relationship, ends up turning into a five-year long “planning” session that just can’t quite seem to come together. You know – that pesky little thing called life just kept getting in the way of their plans. (Pssssh. That never happens, right??) What was supposed to be a happy time, ended up turning into a real, gut-wrenching look at the question, “Who the heck are we and is this really what we want?”

Yikes.

Over time, the two are starting to discover that life is taking them in somewhat different directions. Their best-laid plans of what they thought their future would be aren’t exactly working out like they had hoped. And as new things enter their lives (job switches, location changes, new ‘acquaintances,’ etc.), they start to feel like they’re no longer compatible. Like they are totally different people.

Hmmmm. (Ok, maybe now this is starting to make sense to me….)

So, not to give anything away if you haven’t seen it (which I’m sure it won’t take you long to figure this out as you’re watching it anyway), the two decide the differences are too much and they decide to take a break. During this break, “Tom” (the main dude) has a somewhat uncomfortable, hilarious discussion with his parents as they divulge tidbits of their relationship from over the years that no child ever wants to hear. But during the hilarity, a little snippet of wisdom spills out from his mother: “Your father and I weren’t 100% compatible, heck we weren’t even 60% compatible. But he’s the love of my life.”

*sniff*

Ok. I think I’m on to something now. Let me share with you one of my favorite writing quotes of all time.

“I write because I don’t know what I think until I read what I say.”
– Flannery O’Connor

This is so incredibly true for me. Sometimes I’ll just sit down at the computer with a random idea in my head and just let my fingers do the talking. I’m often just as surprised at what it is here as the readers are. Somewhere inside of me there is a knowledge that I only know how to tap into while I’m writing. This time is no exception. As I sit here and describe this movie to you, this relationship to you, I realize why it touched me so deeply.

It hit home.

Richard and I are very, very much in love. But buddy, let me tell you something. We are about as different as night and day. This second year together has been a trying one for us. New jobs, moves, you name it…we’ve faced it. And sometimes, we haven’t done such a great job of dealing with it. Sometimes we get frustrated and feel like what we want in life and who we are as people are so far apart that they stand no chance of being on the same page. But then.

Oh, but then.

He looks at me. I look at him. And my heart melts. It really does. I’m not kidding. This isn’t one of those sappy love stories (you people know me by now – I tell it like it is, no sugarcoating). This is a real relationship, filled with hard times left and right, and yet – still. We look at each other, and those butterflies are still there. After all this time. This man is the one I want. He is truly the one I want. And you know how that makes me feel?

Friggin scared to death.

Thus, the tears. The sobs. The hiccups. The emotions.

Like the couple in the movie, we don’t know what the heck we’re doing either. I mean, we are absolutely CLUELESS, people. Picture someone handing a rare, precious, fragile object to two people – telling them to hold it in their hands and keep it from breaking – and then strapping them into an open-air Jeep and sending them on a 100-mile-an-hour cross country trek across boulders and ravines. Yeah. That.

That’s us trying to keep our relationship going in this crazy world. And if I were a betting woman, I’d say that probably pretty aptly describes each and every one of your relationships too. Am I right? This crap ain’t easy, man. Trying to blend your life with another person – another person who has their own thoughts, their own habits, their own ways of doing things – just can’t be expected to be easy. But you figure it out. Why?

Love. That’s why.

Another quote from the movie:

“I don’t think we can figure out all of our problems before we get married, but I promise you that I will just love you every step of the way.”

That’s all we can do, right? Just love each other through the mess. Cry when we have to. Scream when we need to. And then…

Hold on tight and laugh and smile through all those great times that remind you why you’re still hanging on. They are worth it.

So very very worth it.

***

“I believe that two people are connected at the heart, and it doesn’t matter what you do, or who you are or where you live; there are no boundaries or barriers if two people are destined to be together.”
– Julia Roberts

Posted by Melissa Edmondson. Categories: Freestyle Writings/Musings. Tags: blog, blogging, change, changed, five-year engagement, heart, heartbreak, inspiration, inspirational, life, love, motivation, motivational, movie, passion, photos, pictures, Quotes, relationships, writing. 7 Comments

Oct. ’13

Roles

“Actors do tend to get pigeonholed. People want to know who you are so they can put you in a box. It’s lovely to be known for such diametrically opposite roles.”
– Tom Hiddleston

I was just sitting here reflecting over last weekend at Oz (read that blog here if you missed it) and something dawned on me.

This has been a year of some awesome roles for me. (And quite diverse ones, at that!)

I’ve been an actor for a long time, and it just occurred to me that most of my very favorite roles and on-stage moments have happened in 2013. This has been quite a year!

Here are a few examples:

Started the year off as Elvis. Yep, you read that right. Elvis.

Ok, so I was a country hick trailer park chick dressed up as Elvis for the “Elvis and Jesus: A Tribute to the Kings” nativity scene. In July. In Florida. (Did ya get all that?) Oh yeah, you have to check this play out if you’ve never heard of it. Radio T.B.S. It’s a hoot. And, incidentally, this was the first time I’ve ever received an ovation mid-show. My Heartbreak Hotel was apparently awesome. Or….hilariously bad. Eh, either way, they clapped. Booyah.

Next?

“Mother” in the show Life With Father.

Pretty awesome role. Even got to do a TV interview for it. (Read that blog here if you’re interested.) Yep, very cool stuff.

Then, I got to play a flooz.

You just can’t beat that. (Gloria Rasputin in Bye, Bye, Birdie.) Even had to tap dance and do a split. Well. Sort of…

And then last weekend, as my regular readers know, I got to be both the Wicked Witch and Glinda, the Good Witch of the North, at the Autumn at Oz festival in Beech Mountain, North Carolina.

Yep. As you can see, this has been a year that I have stepped “out of the box” somewhat. I have been blessed with these varied roles and have enjoyed every minute of becoming someone completely different each and every time I’ve donned a new costume. And, not to toot my own horn or anything, but I’ve actually enjoyed watching myself blossom as an actress as I’ve stepped into these roles. I wasn’t so sure I had it in me, but apparently I do. I’ve been kinda proud of myself. How about that?

Pretty cool stuff.

But you know what’s even cooler? Knowing that at the end of the day, after the costumes are neatly put away and silence drowns out the applause, I get to step into a few even better roles.

This one, for example:

“Of all the roles I’ve played, none has been as fulfilling as being a mother.”
– Annette Funicello

I get to be these awesome teenagers’ mom. How freakin’ cool is that? Just like all of the other roles I’ve been blessed with, this is another one that I wasn’t sure I would know how to play. And sometimes I still falter, sometimes I don’t always follow the script or get my lines right, but all-in-all I think I’ve managed to do a pretty darn good job. I sure have some awesome little co-stars, that’s for sure.

All it takes is to turn on the radio or the TV and within minutes you are hearing some new horror story about the awful things teenagers are into these days. Each time this happens, I say a silent little prayer and thank my lucky stars that I have the kids I have. Now, I’m not saying they’re perfect – far from it – but the problems that we have are just normal, everyday problems. Nothing drastic and severe like some poor parents have to go through. I hope my kids know how proud I am of who they are, and who they are becoming. And I hope the role I’ve played in their lives has had a little something to do with that. I like to think it does.

Another role I’m pretty blessed with?

Being the one this guy loves.

“If you age with somebody, you go through so many roles – you’re lovers, friends, enemies, colleagues, strangers; you’re brother and sister. That’s what intimacy is, if you’re with your soul mate.”
– Cate Blanchett

My gosh, I sure do love this dude. We have been through many phases in our relationship – and I think that’s why the above quote speaks to me so much. We’ve been all of those to each other at some point, and we just keep going strong.

When it comes to love, I’ve tried out quite a few roles. I tried being the submissive wife. I’ve tried being the girlfriend who gives up everything she really loves to try to keep the peace. I’ve tried sacrificing who I am to make someone else happy. None of these roles seemed to fit.

And now I know why.

“I’ve had disappointments and heartbreaks and setbacks and roles I didn’t get, but something always came along that either made me better or was an even better role.”
– Lee Majors

Finally, I get to play the best role I’ve ever played.

Myself.

It has taken me a long, long time to finally get to enjoy this role. Took some trial and error, I admit. But finally, finally, I think I’ve figured out this role pretty well. And it sure is nice to be allowed to play it.

I think I’m right where I belong.

This is the role I’ve been waiting for.

Are you playing the role you’re meant to play? Make sure you are. Life is just too short for anything else. Trust me.

***

“To be yourself in a world that is constantly trying to make you something else is the greatest accomplishment.”
– Ralph Waldo Emerson

Posted by Melissa Edmondson. Categories: Freestyle Writings/Musings. Tags: acting, blog, blogging, change, dating, family, friendship, heart, heartbreak, inspiration, inspirational, love, mother, motivation, motivational, parenting, passion, performance, plays, problems, Quotes, relationships, roles, theatre, writing. 3 Comments

Sep. ’13

Um, what?

Relationships.

Shewwww. I could sit here and blog for days about that topic and you and I both would still be just as confused as we were before I ever started rambling. And the same goes for any other blogger or self-help book author or psychologist or preacher…or WHOEVER. You know why? Because NO ONE understands this mess. No one.

Oh, you may think you do. You may be floating along in your relationship bliss thinking you have it allll figured out, silently looking down your snooty little “look at me, I’m in an awesome relationship” nose at all the peons below you who can’t seem to figure it out, when suddenly…Bam! Something comes out of left field and knocks you right back flat on your not-so-know-it-all a… um, butt.

Oh yeah. Been there.

So, I’m not even going to sit here and pretend that I have anything any more figured out than the rest of you do. Don’t worry.

But I am going to tell you one thing. And I am 110% sure that I’m absolutely correct on this observation.

Some of the songs that are being put out there for today’s youth to listen to? Yeah. They are NOT helping.

Holy crap, have you heard some of this stuff? And yes, I’m blatantly aware that I sound like my mother right now, but ask me if I care. Go on, ask me. Because I’m not referring to anything like bad language in the lyrics or the decibel that the songs are played at (although I do wish my kids would turn that crap down…that can’t be healthy…). No, this isn’t the typical “the world is going to hell in a hand basket” rant.

Ok, let me give you a few examples.

I Want Crazy – Hunter Hayes

Who cares if you’re all I think about,
I’ve searched the world and I know now,
It ain’t right if you ain’t lost your mind
Yeah, I don’t want easy, I want crazy…
Yeah, look at us baby, tonight the midnight rules are breaking
There’s no such thing as wild enough,
And maybe we just think too much
Who needs to play it safe in love?
Let’s be crazy!

[Oh no – you certainly don’t want to ‘think too much’ or ‘play it safe’ when it comes to choosing your life mate, right? That is, like, soooo totally uncool.]

Please Don’t Leave Me – Pink

I don’t know if I can yell any louder,
How many times have I kicked you out of here
Or said something insulting?
I can be so mean when I wanna be,
I am capable of really anything,
I can cut you into pieces,
When my heart is broken.
Please, don’t leave me
Please, don’t leave me
I always say how I don’t need you
But it’s always gonna come right back to this
Please, don’t leave me

[Oh, don’t worry, sweetie. Surely to goodness he wouldn’t leave you just from something silly like yelling, throwing him out of the house, or continuously insulting him, right?]

Marry You – Bruno Mars

It’s a beautiful night,
We’re looking for something dumb to do.
Hey baby,
I think I wanna marry you.
Is it the look in your eyes,
Or is it this dancing juice?
Who cares baby,
I think I wanna marry you.

[Oh dear God. That is all I have to say.]

The Way I Loved You – Taylor Swift

He respects my space
And never makes me wait
And he calls exactly when he says he will
He’s close to my mother
Talks business with my father
He’s charming and endearing, and I’m comfortable
But I miss screamin’ and fightin’ And kissin’ in the rain
And it’s two a.m. and I’m cursin’ your name
You’re so in love that you act insane
And that’s the way I loved you
Breakin’ down and comin’ undone
It’s a roller-coaster kinda rush
And I never knew I could feel that much
And that’s the way I loved you
He can’t see the smile I’m fakin’
And my heart’s not breakin’
‘Cause I’m not feelin’ anything at all

[Oh, T-Swizzle, how I hate to put you on this list. I’m the last adult alive that still defends your music and your songwriting skills, but I have to call you out on this one, kiddo. Wow. Really? Here, hun, I’ll tell ya what. You don’t want that guy you described at the beginning? I, along with the rest of the women on the FACE OF THE EARTH, will gladly take him off your hands. Are you insane??]

*sigh* I can’t list anymore examples. My brain hurts.

So, you see a theme here, right?

These songs (and basically just society in general if I’m going to go ahead and lay it all out there) are teaching our kids that if love isn’t tumultuous and dramatic, then it’s not love. If it’s not wild and reckless, it’s not love. If there isn’t knock-down drag-out screaming craziness, then it’s not love. If there aren’t grandiose breakups followed by tear-filled reconciliations filled with syrupy sweet background violins playing, then it’s not love.

Um, what?

No. NO. Just, no.

That crap is not love. You know what that crap is? That crap is a soap opera. A movie.

Speaking of movies, my daughter and I watched another of your typical contemporary chick flicks over the weekend. “27 Dresses.” Cute movie, don’t get me wrong. But it was soooo predictable. And quite like the rest of it’s kind. Entertaining, yes. But realistic? Ok, so you meet some guy – you’re super incredibly mean to him – and yet he still follows you around like a puppy, calls you incessantly (which you eventually find cute rather than filing the restraining order on him that you should have from the start if this were actually happening), and sends you flowers on a pretty much daily basis until you finally, against your better judgment, agree to go out with him. Oh, and by the way, he’s drop dead gorgeous of course. Of course. (Have I sighed yet in this blog? *Sigh*)

Well, in the middle of watching this movie, my boyfriend shows up at our house with food. I knew he was coming, so we paused the movie and ate a quick lunch with him before he had to head to work for the rest of the night. Now, mind you, this guy lives 30 minutes away from me. So, bringing us lunch involved an hour’s drive round trip – all before going in to work a busy night shift as a bartender. My daughter, being the inquisitive thinker that she is, just point blank asked me why he would do that. So, I told her.

It’s because he loves us.

No, there are no flowers showing up at my doorstep every day. No, there is no screaming at 2:00 a.m. (Ok, well, maybe there was that one time…) [Kidding, kidding…] And no, we are not going to get married because ‘it’s a beautiful night and we’re looking for something dumb to do.’ So, sadly, I guess there aren’t going to be any contemporary hit songs written about our relationship any time soon.

And thank God for that.

But I am proud to have been able to allow my daughter to witness one moment of what a relationship should be. Of what a relationship – a good relationship – really is. And I hope with all of my heart that she goes on in life and remembers that day that Richard brought her and her mom lunch before he went to work. No, our relationship isn’t perfect. Not by a long shot. But it’s real. And that’s what I want her to see. That is the standard I want her to use to base her future relationships on.

Sadly, I haven’t always shown her the example of a good relationship. And I wish I could go back in time and undo that. But, for now, and from this point forward, I hope she can watch and learn what I wish I would have learned a long time ago. Relationships aren’t about the drama. They just aren’t. They’re about the quiet, tender times.

No fanfare. No explosions.

Just an unexpected, love-filled lunch brought to you in the middle of a chick flick.

Just….sweetness. You know?

Simple, pure, boring ol’ sweetness. That’s it.

***

“Love is a temporary madness. It erupts like an earthquake and then subsides. And when it subsides you have to make a decision. You have to work out whether your roots have become so entwined together that it is inconceivable that you should ever part. Because this is what love is. Love is not breathlessness, it is not excitement, it is not the promulgation of promises of eternal passion. That is just being “in love” which any of us can convince ourselves we are. Love itself is what is left over when being in love has burned away, and this is both an art and a fortunate accident. Your mother and I had it, we had roots that grew towards each other underground, and when all the pretty blossoms had fallen from our branches we found that we were one tree and not two.”
– Louis de Bernieres, Corelli’s Mandolin

Posted by Melissa Edmondson. Categories: Freestyle Writings/Musings. Tags: 27 Dresses, blog, change, confusion, dating, daughter, heart, hit songs, love, loyalty, lyrics, motivation, movies, passion, Quotes, real, relationships, romantic comedy, songs, writing, youth. 1 Comment

Aug. ’13

Cool Story

“Nothing’s better than the wind to your back, the sun in front of you, and your friends beside you.”
– Aaron Douglas Trimble

So. Wanna hear a cool story?

Ok, see this pic?

That’s me on the left. And on the right is my friend Zoe. [Isn’t she gorgeous!?]

Ok, so it’s a picture. No big deal, right? Just a pic of two chicks who are friends. Both women, both in the same age range, (both, incidentally, feeling silly taking a ‘selfie’ pic…), both smiling and happy and healthy. I can hear you now – “Yeah? So what?”

Ok, so we’re both runners. Is that a tad more interesting? No? Ok, how about this….We’re both runners training for a half marathon. Slightly cooler, right?

Still nothing earth shattering?

Hmmm.. Alright, let’s try this – we’re training for a half marathon together. Now, is it cool story? Sure it is. Two friends training for a half marathon together. That’s intriguing, no?

Oh shoot. Silly me. I almost forgot the most important part. The part we writers like to call the twist. You ready?

Zoe lives in Australia.

I live in America.

Yep. You read that right.

With 14 time zones, an ocean or two (I sooo didn’t pay attention in Geography class…), and a boat load of cultural differences between us (people use kilometers? Really? I know about the 5K and the 10K, but you mean there are others??), Zoe and I are training partners for our half marathon on November 9.

So, how did this all come about?

Well, it’s pretty simple really. In early May, just a few short months after starting my blog, and just days before my first half marathon, I received my first comment on here that was not from someone I know personally. It said:

Good luck! From Melbourne, Australia!

I just wanted to let you know how much I’m enjoying your writing- I found you when I was searching running blogs as I’m a new runner myself and totally obsessed. You write so evocatively and thoughtfully, and I often find myself smiling or nodding along to your musings! Best of luck with your half, you’ll smash it!

Warm regards,
Zoë

I’ll never forget how thrilled I was to get that message. Not only did it make me realize that other people were reading this stuff (besides my ever-loyal friends and family in real life), but someone was actually reading it in Australia!? What?! How cool is that? This message was the first in what would become a banter between two women all the way across the world from each other over the next few months. And then, when I announced that I would be training for my second half marathon in November, Zoe suggested that we train together.

So, here we are.

We’re only in our first week of training, but I intend to post a few updates along the way to let you know how we’re doing.

Isn’t this great? Someone way over on the other side of the map is my buddy. My training partner. We’ve never laid eyes on each other in person, never heard each others’ undoubtedly cool accents (ok, her cool accent – my southern drawl is nothing much to brag about if you ask me…), and have never even shook hands. In many ways we’re still strangers, but in many other ways – the ways that matter – we’re friends.

We’re just truly never alone, are we? No matter how much we may feel like we are at times, something like this reminds us that we’re not. Somewhere out there, there is someone not only going through whatever you’re going through, but willing to go through it right beside you if you let them.

Yep. That’s good stuff.

Ok, so now is this a cool story? 😉

And guess what? It’s just going to get even cooler. So, stick around!

***

“In union there is strength.”
– Aesop

Posted by Melissa Edmondson. Categories: Freestyle Writings/Musings, Running. Tags: Australia, blog, friendship, friendships, half marathon, health, heart, inspiration, inspirational, marathon, motivation, motivational, passion, photos, Quotes, run, runner, running, running partner, training, training partner, world, writing. 4 Comments

Aug. ’13

Nothing

“We humans have lost the wisdom of genuinely resting and relaxing. We worry too much. We don’t allow our bodies to heal, and we don’t allow our minds and hearts to heal.”
– Thich Nhat Hanh

So, I’ve recently discovered something about myself.

I don’t do enough of Nothing.

(Hush up, grammar police, that was NOT a double negative. I capitalized Nothing, so therefore it becomes a something. See? Seeeee? Ok, now if you will let me continue….)

I have always been someone who is continuously on the go. Sometimes by choice, sometimes not. My life is one of constant movement. I have a job that is over an hour’s drive (one way) from my home, so work alone keeps me on the move for much of the day. Then, in the few hours that I have remaining of the day, I spend my time trying to squeeze in picking up one child from dance, one from cross-country practice, and even…(gasp!) making time for my own activities. I know, right? A mom with her own activities? Trust me, I know how unheard of that is. I have gotten the lecture from strangers and family alike. I get it.

But that’s a blog for another day.

The point is this – I’m busy. And I like it that way.

Well, until I don’t anymore.

Lately, I’ve been noticing that I’m not handling stress well. It’s like I’m in constant “chaos” mode. Whenever anything negative happens – no matter how small said something may be – my brain signals the “catastrophe” alarm. All hands on deck! Snap to attention! This problem MUST be solved. Now! It’s HUGE. The world itself will stop spinning on its axis if this problem is not attended to RIGHT THIS VERY SECOND. Even if said problem is…oh, say maybe I’ve run out of milk at the house? MY CHILDREN ARE GOING TO STARVE, PEOPLE!! Milk must be procured IMMEDIATELY!

Good grief, I’m tired just reading that paragraph.

As a friend of mine posted on Facebook recently:

Yeah. That.

I think it’s finally starting to catch up to me. So, I’ve made a conscious decision to stop.

Yep. That’s it. Just stop.

Now, I’m not going to stop everything of course. Some of the things I do can’t be stopped. (There would be some angry, hungry teenagers sitting outside dance studios and cross-country tracks if that were the case.) And some things I do, I don’t want to stop. My hobbies are more than just “hobbies” really. They define me. I’m a writer – so yes, I want to keep writing. I’m an actor, I want to keep acting. I’m a runner, I’m going to keep running (I’m even training for my second half marathon right now).

But here’s the difference….

I’m going to chill out a little bit. Or rather, I should say, I’m going to allow myself to chill out a little bit.

I have started to cut back quite a bit on my blogging. If you’re a regular follower and you’ve noticed, please allow me to apologize. (Oh, and if this fictitious regular follower person exists, let me extend my deepest gratitude for reading my stuff so often that you actually noticed I was gone. How cool are you!?) Being a writer, I never really stop writing exactly. Phrases and ideas are constantly going through my head. And when they do, I write them down somewhere. But the difference now is that I’m not in such a hurry to get to a computer (or a notebook – yep, I still handwrite things sometimes, can you believe that!?) and put those words and phrases into a story or blog entry. They’ll still be there when I’m ready – when I have time. There’s no deadline. There’s no need to push myself to the point of exhaustion to keep up with some imaginary quota that I’ve invented in my head. That’s ridiculous.

As for acting – I mentioned in a previous blog that it’s time to take a break. Auditions came and went for the next show at my theatre and I didn’t attend. That alone was a source of pride for me – I was actually taking a stand for my own sanity and health and forcing myself to rest a little.

But then something happened that made me really have to put my money where my mouth is. I received a message asking me to consider a role.

Whoa. Ok, now that’s different.

I didn’t even go to auditions…I did what I said I was going to do, right? I stuck to my guns and tried to take a break. But to be asked to play a role? How flattering, right? Acting is what I do. And this role – man, it sounds perfect for me. Right up my alley. It would be ok to accept it just this once and rest later, right?

Nope.

I politely declined and thanked them for the consideration. Wow. I turned down a role. I can honestly say that as an actor, this was a first for me. Acting is so important to me – I would jump at any chance I got to play a role like this in the past. But now? Well. Right now I’m tired. Bone tired. I don’t want to see something I love turn to something that I feel like I have to do. I just can’t let that happen. There will be other shows. When I’m ready.

Now, as for running….yes, I know I just mentioned that I’m training for my next half marathon. I know what you’re thinking. That’s not “stopping,” right? What the heck is up with that?? I thought this chick said she was going to chill out. How is training for a half marathon chilling out? Well, you’re right. It’s not. Not really, anyway. But see – this is something that I really want. Yes, it’s hard work, but the feeling I get when I finish a run – no matter how slow the run happened to be or if I met any ‘goals’ or not – is one that is hard to beat. It is a relaxation in itself. It’s a purging of all that’s wrong with the world. If you’re a runner, I know you know what I mean. Before a run, you can be weighted down with all the worries you can possibly carry – and then after the run, you feel lighter. You feel free. I need that right now. I need to create a better me. A calmer me. A more controlled me.

A me I can live with.

Yesterday, my daughter and I were sitting in the living room at home. The errands were done, homework finished, work and school day complete – and there we were. Just sitting. I looked over at her and said, “Is there something we’re forgetting?” She replied, “What do you mean?” and I said, “Well, I just feel like there’s something we should be doing.” Her response? “I guess it’s all done.”

“I guess it’s all done.”

Yeah.

At that moment, I’m sure there were other things that could have been done. I could have went over my sad budget one more time. I could have washed another load of clothes. I could have exercised, I could have laid out my clothes for the next day, I could have forced myself to start on my next blog. But I didn’t do any of that. At that moment, sitting in my living room in the silence with my daughter, it really was “all done.” Everything else would be there when it was time. But for right then, I allowed myself to bask in the nothingness.

There’s an Italian phrase that comes to mind: dolce far niente. This means, the sweetness of doing nothing.

And it was perfection.

Time to start creating more moments like that in my life.

More dolce far niente? Why, yes, thank you. Don’t mind if I do.

***

“The most valuable thing we can do for the psyche, occasionally, is to let it rest, wander, live in the changing light of room, not try to be or do anything whatever.”
– May Sarton

Posted by Melissa Edmondson. Categories: Freestyle Writings/Musings. Tags: acting, actor, blog, break, change, half marathon, health, heart, inspiration, inspirational, motivation, motivational, Nothing, Rest, runner, running, stop, tired, writer, writing. 3 Comments

Aug. ’13

One-Sided

“This is the hardest of all: to close the open hand of love, and keep modest as a giver.”
– Friedrich Nietzsche

I want to talk about something that has caught my attention lately.

Givers.

And I don’t just mean givers in general – those who give their slightly used products to Goodwill instead of throwing them away; those who give an extra dollar every time the cashier asks if you want to donate to this or that charity; those who graciously give little presents here and there whenever and wherever they can. Yes, those people are awesome (go team!), but no – that’s not what this blog is about. I want to be a little more specific. I want to talk about the givers in relationships.

To be even more specific, I want to talk about the givers in one-sided relationships.

[Now in this blog only (and I do apologize for this because I don’t usually do this kind of thing), I want to specifically talk about the woman in this kind of relationship. Yes, I know that one-sided relationships can go either way – sometimes it’s the man giving their all while the woman does next to nothing to contribute (and sometimes it can happen within a same sex couple, which really throws a wrench into my theory here) – but as the author of this blog, I can only talk about what I know. And what I know is what I’ve witnessed and what I’ve experienced. In that experience, limited though it may be, I have seen that the giver is usually the woman. I promise I’ll explain why I think that is soon.]

So. One-sided relationships. Oh boy, have I been there. I also know a few friends who have been there, and I know some friends who are there now. Not following what I mean exactly by one-sided relationships? Ok, let me set the stage for you.

You’re with this guy and you just absolutely adore him. He’s cute, he’s charming, he’s loving (well, most of the time)…man, you think you’ve hit the jackpot with this one. So, you’re going to make absolute certain that you don’t screw this one up. You’ve been known to screw things up in the past, so this time is going to be different. First order of business? Make sure he knows that you’re not one of those “needy” chicks that expects the man to pay for things when you go out. Oh no siree, not you, Miss Woman of the 21st Century. You are independent and self-sufficient and he needs to know it. So, on the first couple of dates, you pay for yourself. Nothing wrong with that, right? You feel good about it – he seems impressed – win/win. But then, as time goes by, you start paying for a few more things here and there – you start buying both of your meals. You not only want to show that you’re independent, but you want to show him how much you care. And we know how much a man loves food, so let’s buy him some. Well, eventually, that doesn’t seem to be enough. You don’t feel like he knows that you care. And if he doesn’t know, then he might not stick around, right? Better do a little bit more. Let’s start buying him gifts. Yeah – that’ll do the trick. First, a little gift here and there. No biggie – it’s sweet, right? Then, those gifts start getting a little larger…he’s into cars? Let’s buy him some car accessory we saw him ogling. He likes a certain movie? Let’s find the special collector’s edition DVD of it and give it to him for no good reason. He likes a certain book? Ok, never mind…I’ve went too far. We all know men don’t read books….

(KIDDING, fellas!)

So, you catch my drift, right? Eventually, somewhere along the line, the idea has entered your head that you can earn this man’s love. Now, I don’t mean to emphasize monetary gifts, per se. Sometimes it may just be cooking him dinner, or making him something, or writing him notes…whatever. The point is, you are doing a heck of a lot more than he is.

Why is that?

Ok, well, I can hypothesize on this all day, but I’ll try to narrow it down. There are so many possible reasons why women feel the need to do this, but first and foremost is this: we were raised this way. Now, I know that times are changing and women are much more independent than they were in times gone by. But at the heart of who we are is the need to nurture. We are the ones who bear the children, we are the ones whose bodies produce the milk to feed our young, we are the ones who are taught from an early age to keep the peace, to keep our loved ones happy. It’s just the way it is, like it or not. And honestly, I’m cool with that. The role we women play is a pretty important one, a necessary one, and we should be proud.

But here’s the problem with that. We sometimes may tend to transfer that over to our romantic relationships. And then when the relationship doesn’t work out, we think we didn’t play our role correctly, so we try harder the next time. And if that one doesn’t work out? Try even harder the next time.

You following me?

Because of our nature, we think that we have to give, give, give in order to be loved. Check out these snippets of lyrics from the song “Little Miss” by Sugarland:

“Little miss checkered dress
Little miss, one big mess
Little miss, I’ll take less when I always give so much more…
Little miss, do your best
Little miss, never rest
Little miss, be my guest, I’ll make more anytime that it runs out…”

See? It’s who we are. There are even songs about it. And don’t get me wrong – like I said before, being this way is a good thing. It really, really is. But the problem is that sometimes we end up with men who take advantage of that. Now, am I blaming them for that? No, not really. As much as I like to blame men for everything, I’m not sure I can put this one on them. Much like we were raised the way we were, they were also raised the way they were – as the recipient of this nurturing. Why wouldn’t they accept it? It’s natural to them. They’re thrilled with it – who wouldn’t be?

Well, I’ll tell you who ends up not thrilled. Us.

Women.

Over time, we start feeling like we are the only one doing anything in the relationship. Like we are the only ones keeping it going – we are the only ones busting our butts to make sure the relationship is happy and fulfilling, while the man just reaps the benefits. We give, they take. My coworker Tina, who is always filled with words of wisdom, has said this phrase to me many times:

“You teach people how to treat you.”

We have taught them that this is the way it is. That the relationship will continue without any effort on their part, because we have it covered. No worries, Mr. Man, we got this. We’re women, we’ll take care of everything.

But you know what? That’s really not cool.

And when we start realizing it’s not cool, and start realizing that things are one-sided, we start to feel resentful towards the man. We start hoping that he will change. But guess what? He’s not going to.

You know who has to change? You.

Again, like I’ve said many times in my blogs, I certainly don’t have all the answers. I’ve been through my share of failed relationships, and I’m sure I played a huge personal role in those failings at times. I’m no different than you are. The only thing I’m hoping to do here is shine a light on something that might be wrong in your life that you have the power to right. Don’t stop being a giver altogether, I’m not saying that. But maybe you could just try not to give quite so much. Maybe you can try not to control so much and have a little faith. Let things happen on their own, without so much forced effort. I don’t know – just try it for a while. See what happens.

Hey, you never know – the man in your life may just be waiting for the chance to show you he cares, if you’ll just leave him a little room to do it.

And if he doesn’t? If he doesn’t rise to the challenge and the relationship falls apart because you are no longer in the driver’s seat? Well, then I guess you know that little instinct you’ve been ignoring has been trying to tell you something, hasn’t it?

Relationships, man. This crap ain’t for the faint of heart, I’m tellin ya….

***

“Yeah, I’m a giver. I’ve learned to be selective of the people in my world, because if I love someone, I will give them my blood, whatever they need. In doing so, one can end up with little left for themselves.”
-Brittany Murphy

Posted by Melissa Edmondson. Categories: Freestyle Writings/Musings. Tags: blog, change, dating, givers, heart, heartbreak, inspiration, inspirational, love, motivational, one-sided, Quotes, relationships, unrequited, writing. 3 Comments

Aug. ’13

34

“God gave us the gift of life; it is up to us to give ourselves the gift of living well.”
– Voltaire

Today, August 1, 2013, is the last day that I will ever be 34 years old.

As you get older, birthdays don’t seem to hold the same significance that they did when you were younger. Have you noticed that? You don’t really “look forward” to them anymore. In fact, at some point, they become something that you even somewhat dread. (Another year older!? Really??) But I have decided that, starting this year, I’m going to put a stop to that nonsense.

As I prepare to turn the page to 35, I’m going to take a moment to look back over the year I was 34. The good, the bad – everything notable that took place during my time on this earth as a 34-year-old. Each year holds special moments that are gone in the blink of an eye – moments that we will never get back and can only be relived through memories. They should be cherished and appreciated and yes, even celebrated – the bad, along with the good. But most important of all, they should be noticed. For these are the moments that make us who we are – the moments that shape and mold us into the awesome, unique individuals that comprise humanity, and that give each of us our own story to tell.

So, here’s mine.

Please join me as I look back over the 34 most notable events of my 34th year (in no particular order):

1. I started a blog. I had toyed with the idea for years, but I finally got up the courage to do it this year. And it has been AMAZING! If you’re reading this, you’re one of the reasons why. I’m blown away by how many people read this thing and by all the responses I have gotten from it. From the bottom of my heart, I thank you.

2. I got my first writing award (and check!). I got up the nerve to enter a local writing contest and was shocked to get a letter in the mail saying that I had won first place in the essay category. Woohoo!

3. I got my first rejection letter. Yep. A real-life “your stuff isn’t what we’re looking for” letter. And you know what? I actually thought it was kind of cool. Really. You’re not a real writer until you get a rejection. Initiation complete.

4. I saw Niagara Falls. And it was AWESOME!

5. I saw my first marathon. A group of us traveled to New York for the Wineglass Marathon. Many in the group were running the marathon, some running the half marathon, and some, like myself, were just there to watch. There was NOTHING like it. One of my favorite running-related quotes of all time: “If you lose faith in humanity, go watch a marathon.” – Kathrine Switzer. There is so much truth to that. The feeling of camaraderie and “oneness” between the runners and spectators alike was something that I don’t even know how to put into words. This was definitely one of the highlights of my 34th year, hands down.

6. I ran a 5K in New York, and got my personal best time of 30:55. The day before the marathon, there was a 5k as part of the festivities surrounding the event. I decided to run it in, and ended up getting my best personal 5K time. My boyfriend captured this picture at the very moment that I looked up and saw the time clock at the finish line. I just love it. The picture says it all. It was nice to feel so proud of myself.

7. My son joined the cross country team at school. This was such great news to me. I was so proud of him, and felt like my running had made an influence on that decision. Since joining the team, he has gone on to race in a few races with me, and place in many of them (including a 3rd place overall finish for one of them!). I’m such a proud mom.

8. I ran my first 10k. Shortly after returning from the New York trip, I knew that I couldn’t stop at 5Ks. It was time to start training for longer distances. My first 10K was a trail run, and I ran it with my son. I wasn’t fast, but I was very proud. And it was the first time that the thought entered my mind that I might even be able to go further than that. Which brings me to #9..

9. I ran my first half-marathon. Wow. All of my hard work paid off and I crossed that finish line with possibly more pride in myself than I had ever felt before. Not too shabby for a 34-year-old, if I don’t say so myself.

(Here’s the blog entry about the half marathon if you’d like to read more: https://missyspublicjunk.wordpress.com/2013/05/04/i-did-it/)

10. I watched my boyfriend Richard be inducted as the Master of the Ashe Masonic Lodge #594. This was actually very, very cool. I had never seen anything like this ceremony (I’m a chick – we’re not allowed, ya know), and I admit that I went into it thinking that the rituals and secrecy were somewhat silly. But I came away with a deeper understanding of how much this fellowship means to those men, and what good, kind, noble men each and every one of them are. I was so incredibly proud to be Richard’s girlfriend that day. I won’t forget it anytime soon.

11. I started attending a new church. My boyfriend and I, along with our kids, have started attending Bethany United Methodist Church. It has been nice to feel like a part of a church family again. I needed that.

12. I moved. I finally took the plunge and moved out of a place that I was unhappy at. It has made all the difference in the world. It’s such a great feeling to actually look forward to going home for a change. Definitely a noteworthy event from my 34th year.

13. We lost our pet, Chicago. Little Chicago was something else. While just a kitten, my daughter found him in an old trash can outside our home. He had been hurt badly (we still don’t know by what – or whom), and could not move his hind legs. Kelly carried him around like a baby for weeks, feeding him milk from a tiny measuring spoon and giving him little kitty pain pills that an animal-loving friend of ours had provided. I just knew the little guy wasn’t going to make it, but alas – he surprised us all. He was with us for four years. I pretended like I didn’t like the little guy (he had THE MOST annoying meow in the world), but I feel his loss more than I ever thought I would have. We miss you, annoying little Chicago. You were loved.

14. I saw my grandma turn 83. Such a spry, spunky little Grandma she is too.

15. I lost another grandparent. My grandpa, Paul Pridemore (who we all referred to as “Mr. P.”) passed away during my 34th year. Mr. P. lived a long, happy, healthy 96 years on this earth and will be missed by everyone who knew him. I’ll bet he wasn’t the type to dread another birthday. He served as a good example to live life to the fullest while we’re here. I hope I’ll live to make him proud.

16. I ran the path that my other grandpa, Greene Halsey, had walked to school. This is something that I had wanted to do for a long time, and finally did it during my 34th year. I’ll post the link to the blog if you’d like to read more about it. I was very proud to have finally done this. https://missyspublicjunk.wordpress.com/2013/02/25/uphill-both-ways/

17. I sang in public for the first time (sort of). Ok, so technically, I had done this before in musicals. And at karaoke. But getting up and singing with my boyfriend at one of his gigs was SO nerve-wracking. I couldn’t believe I had the courage to get up there. It was hard – and I was shaking like a leaf – but I did it. And have done it a few more times since. Definitely a noteworthy moment from age 34.

18. I lost Richard. Definitely not one of the happiest moments of age 34, but noteworthy nonetheless. Richard and I split up for 2 months. We both tried to move on, but we found our way back (thank God). I think we both grew up more during those 2 months than we had in a long time. Sometimes you just have to travel alone for a while (whether you want to or not) to find out what’s really important. And I definitely found out what was important. Him. I’m so glad he’s back.

19. I witnessed two little miracles. I saw the tiniest babies I had ever seen in my life – and they belonged to my sister. Her twins were born 10 weeks too early. Not many things have affected my life like seeing those tiny little healthy human beings. I’m so amazed at the technology that we have now that allowed for these two to survive.

Here they were then:

And here they are now:

(Again, if you’d like to check out the blog post about these little angels, here’s the link: https://missyspublicjunk.wordpress.com/2013/04/03/week-old-miracles/)

If the 33-year-old Melissa didn’t believe in miracles, this 34-year-old Melissa sure as heck does.

20. I was the subject of a blog. My boyfriend and I were interviewed for a very public blog that was read by tons of people. How cool is that?! Definitely the first time that has ever happened. I was famous for a day!

Links: (Here’s the link to the actual blog: http://www.8womendream.com/55851/improve-womens-self-esteem / And here’s the link to my own blog post about the blog: https://missyspublicjunk.wordpress.com/2013/05/22/self-image-part-2/)

21. I was on TV. Yep. My first TV appearance. I was interviewed for an art segment of a local channel regarding the role I was playing in an upcoming production. Awesomeness. Another first occurring in year 34. (blog link: https://missyspublicjunk.wordpress.com/2013/03/12/fear/)

22. I starred in my first lead female role with Ashe County Little Theatre. I was so proud to have been cast as Mother in the show Life With Father. It took me a long time to become a part of this theatre, and this was such a monumental moment for me. I will remember it always. (Plus, my boyfriend’s son Riley got to play as one of my sons. Added bonus.)

23. My daughter starred in her first lead role ever. I have been involved in theatre for pretty much my whole life, but I never knew the meaning of “nervous” until I felt what I felt just before the curtain rose on opening night of Annie. Watching my baby girl stepping on to the stage in the title role was beyond anything I’ve ever felt before. I was so incredibly proud of her. Not only for her ability, but for her poise and humility throughout the production. This kid is going to go places. Mark my word.

(Related blog post: https://missyspublicjunk.wordpress.com/2013/06/26/tomorrow/)

24. Lost a friend. Although I don’t count this as one of the highlights of my 34th year, I had a falling out with a very close friend. Looking back, I’m not so sure the problem was worth ending a friendship over (is it ever?), but it happened nonetheless. And it should be noted in this list. Perhaps I can come back with an update in year 35 that this has been mended? Perhaps. Either way. Friendship lost – duly noted on the list – moving along…

25. Mended a friendship. While we’re on the topic, I might as well mention that I regained a friend in my 34th year. This is a story that I hope to tell in a future blog, but for now, I’ll just say that it’s nice to have found my old friend again. And to know all is well. Everything always works out ok in the end, right? Chris, I’m glad you’re back.

26. Ran my first obstacle race. The Warrior Dash. *sigh* I don’t even have the energy to talk about this one anymore. If you want to read about it, I’ll post the link. You probably don’t though. It was NOT the best experience. But good or bad, it made the “34” list, so I guess it was notable.

(Blog link: https://missyspublicjunk.wordpress.com/2013/06/03/warrior-dash-or-as-i-like-to-call-it-hell/)

27. Richard and I introduced each other to the fam. That’s a big deal. We were each thrown into the big, loud, happy mix at each other’s family get-togethers over the holidays, and then in a few events (some sad, some happy) since then. Nothing makes you feel like a “real” couple more than getting included in the family (dis)functions. 😉

28. We took our first ‘family’ trip to the beach. Richard’s family has this super cool tradition that spans the years (starting even before he was born) of all getting together to go to Myrtle Beach once a year. It’s a glorified family reunion, if you will. And this year, my kids and I were included. And that’s awesome. It meant so much to me to be included in something so special, and is definitely noteworthy in my 34 list.

29. Made it through a cancer scare. I was a basket case during the fall of my 34th year. We found a lump on my son’s neck that wouldn’t go away. 17 years ago, the same thing had happened to me when I was just a few years older than he was. And I had Hodgkin’s lymphoma. After excruciating weeks of waiting and worrying, a surgery was finally scheduled to remove the lump from his neck and have it tested. And – thank God – it was benign. There is no worry like that of a mother for her child. I gained a new appreciation and understanding for my own mother through this ordeal, and I hope to never have to go through anything like it again.

30. Got a standing ovation – mid-show. Now, THAT was cool. Of course, I was playing Elvis (sort of). And I sang Heartbreak Hotel. And I looked like this:

But still. Standing ovations mid-show just don’t happen. That was definitely one for the 34 list. Hands down.

31. Went to an AWESOME wedding. Now, you know if a wedding made the list, it must have kicked butt. Well…it did. That was the most fun I have had in a while. It was theatre-themed and full of people I love – how could you go wrong? I even blogged about it. (https://missyspublicjunk.wordpress.com/2013/05/13/completion/)

Thanks Jim & Rebecca for giving us these memories to cherish.

32. Visited the house Richard lived in when he was born. We took a little detour on the way back while we were in New York for the marathon, and swung by to take a look at the house that Richard lived in for the first six months of his life. It was the first time he had seen it since. That was a pretty cool moment. Very sentimental. I was proud to be able to tag along for that moment. That was a good “age 34” memory.

33. 4-mile Abingdon race with my son. Now, why did this make my list? Sure, I’ve run plenty of races by now – and quite a few of them with my son. But there was just something about this one. Most notably, when my son finished the race (well ahead of me, of course), he turned around and came back on the track to find me, and finished with me. It would be pretty difficult to leave that moment off of the top 34 list. Have I mentioned that I’m a proud momma?? (Blog post: https://missyspublicjunk.wordpress.com/2013/03/17/favorite-race-so-far/)

And finally. We’ve reached #34. I saved what I felt was the most notable event for last. (And incidentally, if you’ve made it this far – I’m impressed.)

34. I was in a car accident. In April of my 34th year, I was in a pretty bad car accident. I totaled my car but, miraculously, walked away with only a few scratches. You don’t come away from something like that without some sort of “indention” on your life. It leaves a mark. The only thing that remained intact from my accident, besides myself, was my drivers side mirror. I found the mirror at the accident site days later, and took it home as a reminder. True to my word (as I mentioned in a blog post shortly after – https://missyspublicjunk.wordpress.com/2013/04/08/reflection/), I keep this mirror beside my bed on my nightstand. I feel like it serves a reminder that I’m still here. I’m still here. Life didn’t stop at 34. And there’s probably a reason for that.

And I fully intend to spend the rest of my time here on earth figuring out exactly what that is.

So, thank you. Thank you, reader, for taking this trip down memory lane with me. You know – you would think that it would be hard to come up with 34 things over a year that were notable, wouldn’t you? But I actually found myself having to weed some out. Isn’t that crazy? It’s amazing how much you realize actually happens in your world when you sit down and take the time to pull each event out and shine a light of remembrance on it. We should do this more often, shouldn’t we?

Goodbye, 34. You were awesome.

Hello, 35. You ready? We’ve got a lot of work to do. Let’s get started.

***

“The more you praise and celebrate your life, the more there is in life to celebrate.”
– Oprah Winfrey

Posted by Melissa Edmondson. Categories: Freestyle Writings/Musings. Tags: 34, 35, age, birthday, blog, blogging, daughter, family, friendship, half marathon, heart, heartbreak, inspirational, memories, motivational, photos, Quotes, relationships, theatre, writing. 4 Comments

Jul. ’13

Burnout

“Take a rest. A field that has rested gives a bountiful crop.”
– Ovid

I just remembered something.

I’m a runner.

Did you remember that? Because I didn’t. I’m tellin’ ya – I seriously think I forgot about that for a while.

I have these little ‘categories’ set up on my blog. Not sure if anyone ever notices that you can search for writings under the categories, but I thought it was a cool option when I was designing this thing, so I went with it. I set up four categories – Freestyle Writings, Poetic Musings, Running, and Songs. When I first started out, I was afraid that the “running” category would be jam packed, and that my readers who were non-runners would be bored senseless. I was at the peak of my running ‘career’ at that point – training my tail off for my first half-marathon (which I successfully completed in May, by the way). I was full of wit and wisdom for new runners and amateur runners like myself – hoping to show everyone that anyone can do this running thing and that you just have to push through and believe in yourself and persevere through the obstacles…..yada yada. So on and so forth.

But then – well, I don’t know.

I just kinda just stopped that.

I just clicked on my own “Running” tab to see the last thing I had written about running. It was this: https://missyspublicjunk.wordpress.com/2013/06/04/time-to-chill/ Oh. An article called “Time to Chill.” Well, that explains it.

At that time, I was all prepared to purchase this t-shirt and hang up my running shoes:

Yep. I was done for a while.

In other words, I had been….

Hehe. Get it? Running on empty? Oh, the wit.

But I digress.

So, yeah. I had achieved what many of us have achieved in many different areas of our lives at some point. Anytime you’re passionate about something; you spend all your time doing said something; you dedicate your heart and soul and spirit to the something – there exists the risk of running into that little devil who is always waiting just around the corner to put a stop to it all. What is this little devil, you ask?

Burnout.

“Burnout is nature’s way of telling you, you’ve been going through the motions – your soul has departed; you’re a zombie, a member of the walking dead, a sleepwalker.”
– Sam Keen

That’s just it. I had become a sleepwalker.

So, you know what I did? I took a break. And I think that’s the smartest thing I could have done for myself.

In the past few weeks, I’ve noticed that I’ve started feeling the pull again. I started with a few short runs – a mile or two here and there. And slowly, I find myself inching my way back up. A 4-miler here. A 5-miler there. And yesterday – I did my own little 10K just to prove I could. Little by little, I’m making my way back. I saw a post yesterday for a 7-mile run up and down a mountain road here locally. Hmmmm. I have two months to train….

My point is this. Burnout is real. No matter how much you love something, no matter how much a part of your life it becomes, overdoing it can be problematic. It really can. It’s ok to take a break. You know? Chill out a little bit. Let things settle. Let yourself remember why you love this thing so much and why you ever started it in the first place.

Are you a runner? Well, there. Apply this lesson literally. But if you’re not? Well then, I’m sure there’s something you can apply it to.

Maybe even someone? Now, there’s some food for thought.

But see, here’s the thing. When you want it bad enough, when it has become a part of you, it won’t disappear. I promise. Taking a break is not going to un-do any progress you made. This thing you love is not going to go away. Not when it’s real.

Rest easy. Stop worrying. It will be back. You’ll see.

***

“”Sometimes in sports there are times when it is best to wait for another day and try again, at least for me. I see life as the race and I see no honor in reaching the finish and passing out or crawling across the finishing line. In Costa Rica, we have a saying: It’s not about being the first to finish, it’s about how you get there.”
-Roman Urbina

Posted by Melissa Edmondson. Categories: Running. Tags: blog, blogging, break, burnout, change, half marathon, health, heart, inspiration, inspirational, motivational, passion, photos, problems, Quotes, relationships, runner, running, writing. 2 Comments

Jul. ’13

Through the Sunroof

This is a picture I took last night as I watched the fireworks from inside my car during the rain. Pretty cool, huh?

Only….maybe not.

Sigh.

Ok, so one of the “gifts” I’ve been blessed (cursed?) with in my life is that I can never just see something on the surface. I always look deeper, see beneath the layer of obvious. And this is one of those times.

So, yes, it was raining. And yes, sitting inside the car kept me from getting wet. But I was sitting there alone. My daughter and her friend had gotten out of the car, rain be darned, and were watching the fireworks close by while looking for other friends and not caring whether they got soaked or not. They were having fun. Me? I was sitting in the safe, warm, dry, lonely car.

And that reminded me of something.

That’s how I am with friendships.

Alright, let me back up a little.

Earlier in the day, I had taken my daughter and her friend to the Independence Day parade. While she and her friend met up with other friends and had a good time watching the parade, I stood off to the side. Again, alone. (My boyfriend Richard had to work.) And standing there alone watching the parade, I noticed that my eyes kept getting drawn to a group of women to my right. While I was supposed to be watching the marching band, the ambulances, and the classic cars roll by, instead I caught myself watching the spectators. Especially these particular ones. There were this group of five older ladies, and they were just about the cutest things I’d ever seen. They were decked out in Independence Day attire – complete with little headbands with fake fireworks and their matching flag-sporting t-shirts and red capris. And let me tell ya – these women were having a blast. They were hooting and hollering and thought each and every float that went by was the best one of all. I know, because I heard them say so. They were clapping along with the music and stopping every so often to put their arms around each other and bask in the glory of the day.

I was in awe.

I mean, yes, they were a sight to behold so I’m sure I wasn’t the only one whose attention they caught. But aside from that, seeing them struck a chord in me that I couldn’t quite explain. I didn’t know why it made me a little sad to see them, but it did. I didn’t give it much thought – just went back to my business. But later that night, sitting there alone in the car watching the fireworks through my sunroof, it finally dawned on me where that sadness came from.

I don’t have that.

And it’s my own fault.

You hear talk all the time of people holding back from relationships because of trust issues and fear, etc. That seems to be a common topic of discussion amongst our psychology-driven fellow citizens. But I wonder if there maybe shouldn’t be a little talk about how that might apply to friendships sometimes too? Am I the only one that holds back from becoming close to friends? That has trouble relating and depending on others? Especially women?

Now, granted, I do have one good friend from high school that I turn to when things go wrong. And I’d like to think she does the same with me. Her name is Iman (but we always called her MiMi in high school, so that’s how I’ll refer to her from her on). But Mimi is far away and most of our talks are by computer or text (my fault, not hers). I can’t help but see the psychology behind that. The only female friend that I really rely on is still kept at a safe distance through not only actual physical distance, but also through the ways that I choose to communicate with her. She would love to chat on the phone sometimes, and we have a few times, but somehow I tend to shy away from it. Too personal, maybe? The times we have talked by phone were the times when I was at my most vulnerable – when I was extremely upset and was finally forced into letting a friend “in.” But other than those times? I don’t know, I just tend to stay guarded. Alone.

(Note: “Far away” Mimi is not going to be so far away very soon. She’s moving close to where I am in about a month. I guess it’s time to start figuring out what the heck is wrong with me, huh?)

Now, don’t get me wrong. I’ve tried. I have started to make close girlfriends (ones that are actually physically nearby). But like MiMi says, “Girl friendships take time. They are just like guy relationships, but there’s no initial attraction or hormone release that feel good like with the opposite sex. So, it just takes time to bond.”

Well there ya go. Therein lies part of my problem, I suppose. To put your time and effort into something requires trust that it’s going to be worth it in the end. And “trust?” Yeah, I’m not so good at that. When the going gets tough, this tough girl gets going. Right on out the door.

I don’t really have a point to this blog, I don’t suppose. I guess it’s just one of those times when I felt like writing about something that was really bothering me – the things that I sometimes try to keep to myself, but that my writer’s brain can’t ignore. I guess I also would like some feedback. Are you like this? Any idea why I am? Got any good drugs I can borrow?

Ok, that last one was a joke.

Sort of.

But seriously – I guess it’s time for me to start getting out of the car, ya know? Time to get out there and watch the fireworks on the big screen of life, instead of through the tiny little sunroof of safety. Yes, I may get a little wet from the rain at times, but oh what a sight I will behold.

Time to realize that it might be worth a few raindrops in order to fully experience the performance, right?

***

“Standing outside the fire
Standing outside the fire
Life is not tried it is merely survived
If you’re standing outside the fire”
– Garth Brooks lyrics, Standing Outside the Fire

Posted by Melissa Edmondson. Categories: Freestyle Writings/Musings. Tags: blog, change, female friendships, fireworks, friendship, heart, Independence Day, inspiration, motivation, parade, photos, Quotes, relationships, sharing, writing. 6 Comments

Jul. ’13

Anniversary

“We are not the same persons this year as last; nor are those we love. It is a happy chance if we, changing, continue to love a changed person.”
– W. Somerset Maugham

Today, July 1, is mine and Richard’s first anniversary.

Well, sort of.

I always hesitate before I write a “personal” blog like this. And by personal, I don’t mean it’s stuff that I don’t want to share. Shoot, I’ll share anything you want to know. No, I mean “personal” in that, it’s my story. It’s not a general blog that everyone can relate with. It’s specific. It’s mine. But in the past, each time I went ahead and ignored my hesitation and posted a personal blog anyway, they always seem to get the most response. At first, that used to baffle me. But over time, I’ve come to realize that people just are generally interested in other people’s stories. It’s what makes us all ‘connected.’ We like to know each other – know where we come from, why we are the way we are, how we got to the point we got to. And then we like to see similarities in our own situations and compare our story to theirs. It’s just part of the human experience. All of these individual stories work together to create unique squares on the tapestry of humanity.

So, no hesitation this time. Here’s my contribution to the “quilt.”

I’m just going to tell you a little bit about us – about how happy I am and about how it wasn’t easy getting here. And maybe you won’t get too bored with it. This is not your typical lovey dovey “how we met and fell in love” story.

No, our story isn’t quite so cut and dry as that.

Richard and I have trouble deciding what our exact “anniversary” is. And the reason for that is that we had a little bit of a bumpy start. There’s no precise before & after line. There’s a huge pile of gray area. (And I’m willing to bet that a lot of other couples have this kind of story too.)

Richard and I were a “set up” of sorts. I had just joined a new theatre and was, yet again, newly single. A co-actor mentioned Richard’s name once in a “I have a friend I think you’d like…” kind of way back in April of 2012. (I still owe you for that, Barry!) My initial reaction, of course, was the proud single lady’s response of, “No thanks. I’m perfectly fine being single. I don’t need a man to complete me…” blah, blah, blah. But the second Barry had left the room? I had my cell phone out looking up this Richard guy on Facebook. I wasn’t going to “add” him or anything like that. I mean, come on. I wasn’t that pathetic. But stalk him? Oh yeah. That was totally acceptable, right?

Well, a few days later, I get a Facebook add from said Richard. (Hmmm…guess Barry mentioned his little idea to both of us, not just me.) I added him, and sent a message saying pretty much that very thing. We laughed about it and proceeded to write back and forth for a few weeks. I don’t know what it was about those messages, but I was so intrigued by this guy. First of all, his grammar and punctuation were spot on. I mean, hello!? We ALL know that is of the utmost importance in determining potential, right? But even aside from gaining this wanna-be English teacher’s approval with all the capital letters and periods, he also impressed me with the subjects he wanted to talk about. We talked about our kids, my theatre, and his music. All things that were very important to us. No stupid flirty “hey baby, you wanna go out sometime?” nonsense. Just real life “here’s what’s important in my life” talk. I liked that.

So, we planned to meet.

Ironically, our first meeting took place at the theatre. His son was auditioning for the next summer musical, Oliver, and I was planning to be there as well. So, since we were both going to be in town, and his son was going home with his mom after the audition, we decided to plan to meet there and then go out to dinner afterwards. (Little did we know at the time how instrumental that theatre was going to be in the “story of us.”)

Oh my gosh, I was a nervous wreck. What do I wear? What do I talk about? Will I even recognize this dude from his pictures? Will we be able to talk in person like we’ve done on Facebook? I had heard that this guy was the “quiet, shy type.” What in the heck would we have in common?? “Quiet” and “shy” were two words that had never – not once – been used to describe me. I was exactly the opposite.

Well, worries aside, the meeting went pretty smoothly. I recognized him immediately. We walked in together; sat together; chatted about a million things (ok, maybe that was just me chatting nervously, but whatever). Went to dinner afterwards. And then again the next night. And then again the next night. In fact, we pretty much jumped in head first.

Here’s a picture of us on one of our first dates.

We went from “single and hurting over a past relationship,” to “in a new relationship” in the drop of a hat.

And boy was that a BAD idea.

After about a week of that, it fizzled. Ok, I’m lying. It didn’t fizzle. He got scared and ran. I was hurt, but at the same time, not surprised. Deep down, I knew he wasn’t ready, and frankly, neither was I. Oh well. No harm done, right? Move along.

But darn it.

There was just something about that guy.

I went on to get involved with Oliver at the theatre. My daughter decided to get involved with the theatre for the first time and was cast as one of the orphan boys, along with Richard’s son, Riley. I spent a lot of one-on-one time with the kids and ended up being crazy about Riley. And so was my daughter. They became fast friends. Soon after, Riley’s little sister Lauren joined the cast and we became just as close to her. It was so hard not to adore his kids. But what a strange situation. I date this guy temporarily, he disappears from my life, and suddenly, I find myself falling in love with his kids when he was nowhere around. Weird.

So, eventually, as showtime neared, Richard started spending some time at the theatre as well. We were both new runners, so we kept to the safe subject of running and avoided any mention of having dated before. Eventually, the talks of running turned into talks about the kids. And talks about the theatre. And talks about his music. And finally, hesitantly, to talks about why the two of us hadn’t worked out. He finally told me his story of his past relationship and how he had jumped the gun in moving on. I told him my past stories as well and eventually…well, I don’t know. We became friends. Really good friends. I decided maybe this is what had been fated all along. Maybe we weren’t meant to be a couple, per se. We had so much in common – kids in the theatre, being performers ourselves, being new runners, both of our professions being the real estate field. Yes, he was quiet and I was loud. But that didn’t matter – we had enough in common to make us drawn to each other. I was just going to have to accept that it was to be in a “friends” aspect and not in the romance department.

Psssh.

Yeah, I could tell myself that crap all day long. But then I’d pass him backstage in the dark wings and my heart would flutter. I knew I couldn’t just be his friend. I knew it. But I had to do what I had to do. I wanted this man in my life and I was just going to have to accept that I didn’t get to choose the specific role he played.

And then…well, something changed.

I got stung by a bee.

No, really. I got stung by a bee and the whole dynamic of who we were changed. (I’m not sure if he’d tell this story the same way I am, but after reading this, I think he’ll see it for what it was too.)

The show had ended and our “required” time together had passed by. There were no longer circumstances that would put us in the same place at the same time. We continued texting and talking, and even had a “friendly” dinner together one evening. But that whole “couple” thing was still just not happening.

Cue the bee sting.

The weekend before Independence Day, we were doing separate things – he was off with friends and I was at the pool with my kids. While packing our things to leave the pool, I got stung on the back. I didn’t think much of it (other than the passing thought that I couldn’t remember having been stung by a bee since I was a small child, if even then) and we went on about our business. But as we were getting in the car, I realized that something was wrong. My throat started closing up and I began to get welts all over me. I was having an allergic reaction. Here I was, the only adult out with two kids and I wasn’t exactly sure what to do. I was still able to drive to the gas station nearby, and I had my son go in and buy me some Benadryl. Eventually, the symptoms passed somewhat and I was able to drive home. All in all, it was a pretty scary situation. But I got through it and just realized that I better carry Benadryl with me from then on. Apparently I’m allergic to bees. Who knew?

So, later that night, Richard texts and asks about my day. I tell him about the bee scenario and he responds, “Why didn’t you call me?”

Huh?

Why didn’t I call him? Why would I have called him? What did it have to do with him?

And then, it dawned on me. I wondered if he was starting to see me in that way. In the, “I’m the one she should call when she needs someone” way. And the next day, I got my answer. He asked me to come over. And I did. That’s when he told me that this weekend had felt different. That at one point, he realized that he missed me.

That we should have been together.

And there you have it. That was July 1. So, we decided we’d use that day as the day we became “official.”

I wish I could tell you that it was happily ever after from that day forward. But it wasn’t. We still had some issues to overcome. We still had some annoying little “past” pests to swat away at times. Even let it break us up once for a while. (And you know what put us back together? Yet again – the theatre. I was cast as his son’s mom in a production. So, as much as we wanted to be apart, life wouldn’t let us. Thank goodness for the theatre.)

So, yes, there have been some tough times, but we’ve managed. We just keep finding our way back somehow.

See, that’s the thing about something that’s meant to be. No matter how much you try to fight it, it always manages to happen anyway. In spite of you.

So, no. The first year of our story hasn’t been the typical fairy tale. (And really, whose love story is?) We’ve seen each other through the good and bad, through the best and worst of our personalities. By starting out as friends, we came to know each other in a different way than we would have if we had continued dating from the beginning. We told each other the truth. We exposed the “ugly” underneath and, lo and behold, we’re still here.

We’re still here.

Warts and all.

I love this man with all of my heart. And I know, without a doubt, that he loves me too.

And I can guarantee you that I’ll be here blogging on July 1, 2014, about all that happened in Year #2.

Because when you know, you just know.

Happy Anniversary, sweetheart.

***

“If you meet somebody and they love you when you are your true, awful, not-ready-yet, boring, not cool enough, not handsome enough, not pretty enough, too fat, too poor self? And if you love them back so much that it makes you calm? And they have flaws and you do not mind a single one of them?….If you found that, you found it.”
– Augusten Burroughs

Posted by Melissa Edmondson. Categories: Freestyle Writings/Musings. Tags: anniversary, blog, change, changed, couple, dating, friendship, heart, heartbreak, inspiration, love, motivation, one year, passion, photos, Quotes, relationship, relationships, writing. 10 Comments

MissyRambles

"Instructions for living a life: Pay attention. Be astonished. Tell about it." – Mary Oliver

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