Tag Archives: friendship

Community

community

Com·mu·ni·ty \kə-ˈmyü-nət-ē\:  a unified body of individuals
–         Merriam Webster Dictionary

The more I get into running, the more I realize what a community we runners really are.  And these last few weeks have driven that point home for me more than ever before.

First of all, of course, there was the Boston marathon bombing.  Have any of us ever seen such an outpouring of love and respect among our fellow runners?  So many runners donned their printed out “bibs” in honor of Boston and logged mile after mile in honor of all who were affected.  Each and every one of us knew how easily it could have been us.  I have never witnessed the Boston marathon, but I did travel with a group of friends to watch the Wineglass Marathon in New York last year.  The place I was camped out to get pictures of my friends as they finished, was exactly the spot where the bombs went off in Boston.  It easily could have been me.  Or someone I love.  And every runner feels the same.  We are empathetic towards our fellow runners and their families because it hits so close to home.  We don’t know what to do to help, so we run.  We run in honor and respect for the members of our community, whether we “know” them or not.  They are our family.

And on that same note, I have made a few dear friends through running whom I have yet to even lay eyes on.

When I first started running a little over a year ago, I used the Couch to 5K Running plan to get started.  I then “liked” the Facebook page of the same name so I could watch other people through their struggles and successes to know that I was not alone.  Before long, I began posting as well, sharing my own stories and milestones.  It quickly became my primary source for motivation and inspiration and is, without a doubt, the reason I stuck to the plan and was successful.  On this site, I interacted with many people, but a few in particular stood out.  One of whom is my friend, Connie.  Connie was a non-runner who was determined to run a 5K for her 60th birthday.  I was inspired by her story, so I followed her closely and soon began to chat back and forth since we were at the same point in the plan.  We “graduated” almost simultaneously, together with our other e-friend Kristen, and have since all remained close friends and fellow runners.  We are even making plans to all meet in Rhode Island to run a 5K together in the fall.  (Kristen is from Massachusetts, Connie from Rhode Island, and I am from Virginia).

Yesterday, I went to my mailbox and found this:

shirt

A gift from Connie.  A running t-shirt that says “EyeBeeLeaf.”  The note says:

“We believe anything is possible.
  We work hard to achieve our goals.
  Here’s a gift from Connie to wear when you run.
  Eye Bee Leaf.”

How amazing is it that this friend, whom I have never even met, cares enough about me and about running in general to so generously reach out and provide support to another runner?  This truly is a community.  A family.  And it was no coincidence that this shirt arrived just a few days before my first half marathon that is coming up on Saturday.  As my friend Connie likes to say, “It’s Kismet!”

I so can’t wait to meet my friends in person in September!

And while we’re on the subject, check out this message I received on my last blog entry about my fear of this upcoming half marathon:

“Good luck! From Melbourne, Australia!
I just wanted to let you know how much I’m enjoying your writing. I found you when I was searching running blogs as I’m a new runner myself and totally obsessed. You write so evocatively and thoughtfully, and I often find myself smiling or nodding along to your musings! Best of luck with your half, you’ll smash it!
Warm regards, Zoë “

Wow.  Just wow. 🙂  All the way across the world, in Australia, is another member of my “community.”  And I didn’t even know about her until today.

I also received this message from my local friend Shannon this morning with regard to this half marathon:

“There will be a great adrenalin rush in the beginning, but remember to pace yourself and run your race.
There will be people who pass you and you’ll feel you are not doing good enough, but pace yourself and run your race.
You will worry that you won’t be able to finish at some point, but just keep going at your pace and run YOUR race.
There will come a time when you will think “I got this!”  But still pace yourself…and run your race!
It’s a lot like life.”

I hope she doesn’t mind my sharing her poetic words.  They were too good to keep to myself.

So, see what I mean?  We are such a caring community of runners.  Such a family of like-minded individuals from all over, who all know what it is like to change our life one footstep at a time.  I’m so honored and humbled to be a part of such an amazing group of people.

I am a runner.

***

“Running is not, as it so often seems, only about what you did in your last race or about how many miles you ran last week.  It is, in a much more important way, about community, about appreciating all the miles run by other runners, too.”  
– Richard O’Brien

Uncomfortable

uncomfortable

I was at my boyfriend’s house over the weekend and his big, sweet cat came and plopped himself on me.  He was stretched at an obviously awkward angle with his little head burrowed into my chest.  Richard made some comment about how much “Mittens loves me” and I responded with, “No, I think Mittens just likes having a comfortable place to lay.”  Richard’s response: “No way.  Look at him.  That doesn’t look comfortable – that looks like love.”

“That doesn’t look comfortable – that looks like love.”

Such a seemingly innocent, yet ultimately profound statement.  I mean, think about it.  How many times does this end up being the case?   Love just really isn’t always all that comfortable.  Ya know?

Let me give you a few examples to explain where I’m headed with this.

I mentioned in a previous blog that I watched my cousin feeding my grandpa in the nursing home a few weeks ago.  I know she got tired of that.  She stood there for a very long time and I’m sure she got tired of all of that standing.  I’m sure her legs were sore.  I’m sure her arms got sore from the time it took to feed him.  I’m sure it was hard trying to understand what he was telling her and what he was asking for through his incoherent rambling.  I’m sure it was…well…uncomfortable.

That doesn’t look comfortable – that looks like love.

I remember watching my daughter once serve as a capo for my boyfriend’s guitar.  No, really.  He was using a capo-less guitar that didn’t belong to him to play a requested song for my family at a holiday get-together.  My daughter jumped up and offered to hold it for him so it would sound right.  She stood there and pressed down on the strings as he played.  It was just so darn cute.  Here, I’ll show you.

156188_4207720234088_345087718_n

And afterwards?  Bless her heart, she had grooves in her little fingers from where she had to press so hard.  But she was so proud to have helped.

That doesn’t look comfortable – that looks like love.

I watched my sister stand for hours beside the incubators of her newborn premature twin babies.  I know she got tired standing there.  I know it wasn’t the most comfortable thing to stand there and hold a syringe up above the babies so that their milk could flow down through their feeding tube.  I know that as a brand new mom it certainly wasn’t comfortable trying to work around all of the wires and monitors to change a teeny tiny little squirming baby’s diaper.  I know it’s not comfortable giving up hours and hours of her days traveling to and from the hospital that is close to 2 hours away while she continues to take care of them during the many weeks they remain in neonatal intensive care until they’re big enough to go home.  But she does it.

jenbaby

That doesn’t look comfortable – that looks like love.

Another example.  I’m training for a half marathon.  And it is SO hard.  I get frustrated with myself at times.  My legs hurt.  I’m tired.  It’s difficult to squeeze in the time required to devote to the training.  But you know what?  I love running.  Why?  Because it’s making me a better person.  In more ways than I can count.  Running all those miles at one time?  No – definitely not comfortable.  But is it love?  Yes.  Love for the sport and love for the me that I’m becoming as I struggle through the discomfort. It’s not comfortable – it’s love.

These are just a few personal examples, but look around and you’ll see so many more.  Watch the coverage from the Boston marathon a week ago today.  I’m sure you’ve seen the picture of Carlos Arredondo.  He is the man who ran alongside a wheelchair holding an exposed leg artery closed for a complete stranger so that he wouldn’t bleed to death.  Comfortable?  No, of course not.  Love for a complete stranger?  Sure looks like that to me.

There are so many examples that surround us at any given time.  Love wears such a vast array of costumes.  And more often than we may realize – it’s disguised in discomfort.

We live in a society where love is portrayed in romance novels and movies to be all butterflies and rainbows.  The prince ends up with the princess.  They live in their castle and with the birds chirping and the sun shining for the rest of their lives.  Must be nice.  But out here in the real world?  Yeah, love is a different story out here.  Love takes work.  It takes sacrifice.  It takes eyes that see past the flaws and faith that believes beyond the impossible.

My boyfriend and I have been through some tough times.  We both have had issues to rise above and move past.  Sometimes we’ve given up temporarily, but we keep finding our way back.  We sometimes find ourselves surrounded by reminders that take us back to things we’re trying to forget.  We sometimes have outside influences that, knowingly or not, chip away at what we’re trying to build together.  And sometimes our own selfishness and insecurities do the chipping without any help.  No, love is definitely not always butterflies and rainbows.  Sometimes it’s just plain….uncomfortable.  It hurts, it’s hard, it takes work.  But yet, we stay.  Why do we do that?  Why are we still here?

Well.  You know.

That doesn’t look comfortable – that looks like love.

***

“It ain’t pretty, but it’s beautiful
Our love ain’t perfect, but it’s wonderful
We’re still learning to be loveable
It ain’t pretty, but it’s beautiful.”

– Clay Walker (It Ain’t Pretty lyrics)

Problems?

“The huge problems we deal with every day are actually really small. We’re so focused on what bothers us
that we don’t even try to see our lives from a clearer perspective.”
– Susane Colasanti

problemsblog

I saw the above picture on Facebook yesterday.  The “someecards” are meant to be funny usually.  But every now and then, one pops up that is spot freakin’ on.

(I don’t mean to be snarky with this blog, but if the snark slips out, so be it.)

We humans sure are a bunch of complainers aren’t we?  Don’t believe me?  Go scroll through your Facebook for a minute or two.  Seriously.  Go right now and scroll.  I’ll bet you $100 and a Snickers that you’ll see someone complaining about something.  I’m not saying I’m not guilty of it myself at times.  I am.  But some people just seem to be pros.  For real.

“The people who live in a golden age usually go around complaining about how yellow everything looks.”
– Randall Jarrell

How much truth there is in that quote.  Sometimes I think we just forget to realize how incredibly blessed we are.  And this week is one of those weeks that should drive that point home for you.  And if it hasn’t yet, then maybe it should start now.  Ask yourself a few questions.  For instance – Are your limbs still intact?  Are your loved ones still around you?  Do you still have a place to work?  To live?  Have you gone through the week without being a firsthand eye-witness to a bloody, fiery trauma?

If your answer is yes to those questions, then I’d say you’re in pretty good shape.

Now, I’m not saying people are sick of hearing you complaining.  Maybe they are, maybe they aren’t.  Hey, it’s your life – it’s your Facebook – it’s your soapbox.  Do what you will.  You’re allowed.  But, that’s not my point.

My point is that for you – for your own well-being and your own peace of mind – you should probably stop complaining about things that, in the grand scheme, are really not that big of a deal.  And you know they’re not.  It’s really hard to find peace within yourself if you’re constantly in turmoil.  And that’s what complaining is.  It’s turmoil.  Give yourself (and – ok, I’ll say it – everyone else) a break, why don’t ya?  Chill out.  Relax.  Be calm.  Recognize.

Look around you.  See what others have been through in our country in this one little week.  One week filled with so much devastation.  Fall down on your knees and be grateful and appreciative.  Go hug your kids.  Go kiss your spouse.  Go pet your dog.  Take a big, deep breath and exhale gratitude.

***

“Remember, if you are criticizing, you are not being grateful.  If you are blaming, you are not being grateful.  If you are complaining, you are not being grateful.”
– Rhonda Byrne

And still.

bostonpic

And still.

The week goes on.  New horrible news has filled the TV screen.  We go back to work.  We continue with our daily lives and go back to the way things were before we heard about it.

And still.

I continue to blog.  I continue to write on other topics.  But still it sits there.  Waiting for more to be said.  More to be done.  But what?  What can we do?  What can we say?

And still.

Still the thoughts won’t go away.  Won’t leave my mind.  Something is begging to be said.  But I have no idea what it is.

My thoughts keep going back to Kathrine Switzer, the first woman to ever officially run the Boston Marathon.  (Other women ran, but weren’t allowed bib numbers to show that they were “official” runners and to have their results included among the male runners.  Kathrine registered using her initials only and was given a bib number.  Once the “mistake” was discovered, race officials stormed the track and tried to remove her numbers, but other male racers formed a barrier around her and her boyfriend shoved them away.)  Kathrine is quoted as saying this: 

“If you lose faith in humanity, go out and watch a marathon.”

On Monday when I first heard the news, that quote immediately popped into my mind.  And I didn’t want that quote to be tainted by having it discovered that the bombing was intentional.  But, of course, it was confirmed that it was no accident.  Someone did this on purpose.  On purpose. 

And still.

Still, that quote was there.  I couldn’t get it out of my head.  But doesn’t this event erase that quote?  Shouldn’t what happened serve to prove that humanity is somehow tainted now and Ms. Switzer’s words no longer stand true?

No.

No, it does not.

I have struggled so much with this.  And I’ve finally figured out why that quote doesn’t want to leave my mind.

It’s still true.

“If you lose faith in humanity, go out and watch a marathon.”  Yes.  Watch the 117th running of the Boston Marathon.  Watch what happened surrounding the horrible, unfathomable bombing that took place at the finish line.  Watch how people immediately responded and started helping each other.  Watch how perfect strangers lifted each other off the ground and carried each other where further help awaited.  Watch how marathoners ripped off their shirts on the spot and used them as tourniquets to stop blood flow on the injured.  Watch how Dr Vivek Shah, an orthopedic surgeon who was just ready to approach the finish line area when he heard the blasts, continued to run towards the scene and immediately began using his expertise to aid the victims.  Watch how other finishers passed the 26.2-mile finish line and continued running an extra 2 miles to Massachusetts General Hospital where they donated blood.

Further still.

Listen to the stories that followed in the days to come.  Listen to the story of Laura Wellington.  Laura was one of the ones who did not finish and was still running when the blast occurred.  She knew that her family and friends were waiting at the finish line and didn’t know if they were safe.  Once she finally found out what was happening and, after wandering around alone and in fear for her loved ones, was finally able to contact a member of her party to confirm their safety, she fell to the ground crying with relief.  By this point, a couple, one of whom had finished the marathon, was walking in the same area and stopped to ask if she was ok.  She convinced them she was and, after explaining the situation, the man, who had just worked so hard to obtain the coveted Boston Marathon medal, took that very medal from around his neck and gave it her.  Just like that.  Laura put out a plea on Facebook as what she thought was a hopeless attempt at locating this kind man who extended such a humane gesture to her – and was able to identify him.  Brent Cunningham from Alaska.  Brent now joins the list among the many, many little heroes that surround this tragedy.

And still.

Even now, on a smaller scale, look around you.  Odds are that you probably know a runner.  And most of us, not having any clue what to do to show our support, have done all we know to do.  We just run.  Running isn’t going to fix anything (at this point, what can really?), and it’s not going to change what happened in any way, but it is our attempt to show that our spirit remains untouched.  We put on our fake little printed out Boston memorial “bibs” and run in honor of all who were affected in any way – including ourselves.  We don’t know what to say.  We don’t know what to do.  So we run.  We just run.

And still.

And still humanity stands firm.  We are still what we were seconds before those blasts occurred.  We are human beings who love each other; who care about each other; and who rise to the occasion when we’re needed.  We keep moving.

We just keep moving.  A little shaken, yes.  A little confused, yes.  Feeling a little helpless, yes.  But still moving.

Still.

***

“You must not lose faith in humanity. Humanity is an ocean; if a few drops of the ocean are dirty, the ocean does not become dirty.”– Mahatma Gandhi

Little Things

“You need to let the little things that would ordinarily bore you suddenly thrill you.”
– Andy Warhol

(Let me start this blog with a disclaimer to my child.  No, Kelly – this is not a tribute to One Direction and their song of the same title.  Sorry, kid.)

Ok.  Back to business.

Little things.

I’ve been thinking about this topic a lot recently.  Especially over these past few days.  A variety of “little things” have seemed to catch my attention more lately than they might normally do.

For instance.

I went to visit my grandparents in the nursing home this past weekend.  They have both been recently admitted after battling pneumonia and, unfortunately, the prognosis is not a great one for my 96-year-old grandfather.  Thankfully, they have been placed in the same room so they can spend this time together, although my grandmother’s failing memory makes it hard for her to understand what is happening.  But even with his sickness, and her failing memory, they both periodically asked about the other and looked over to be sure the other was still there.  To me, that was beautiful.  A glance to make sure the one you love is still by your side?  Yes, a little thing in the grand scheme.  But so very beautiful.

Also, while I was there, it was mentioned that my grandmother’s fingernails needed cutting and she hadn’t been able to do it herself.  So, I cut them.  Cutting your aging grandmother’s fingernails? Definitely a little thing.  But it meant something to me.  In my tiny little way, I was able to help.  Little things.

I watched my cousin Amy feeding my grandfather.

littlethingsblog

Putting a spoon to someone’s mouth when they aren’t strong enough to do it on their own? Yes, maybe a little thing. But is it so little? I think not.

Aside from the trip to visit my grandparents (and possibly because of it), other little things started catching my attention as well.

The man I love, for instance.

Now, for those of you don’t know us personally, let me start by explaining something.  I am in love with the quietest man alive.  It’s true.  The spoken word is not his speciality.  One of his favorite quotes is by Mark Twain: “It is better to keep your mouth closed and let people think you are a fool than to open it and remove all doubt.”  Smart man.  Me, on the other hand?  I never shut up.  We are the proverbial Mutt and Jeff of verbal communication. Well, in public anyway.

But for the past few days, I seem to be “hearing” him much more clearly than I ever have before.

I’ve mentioned in previous blogs that he is letting me borrow a vehicle until I can get the insurance mess sorted out from my wreck and can get a new one.  Earlier this week, the vehicle started overheating a little.  So, what does he do?  Gives me his own truck to drive to work so that he can keep it and check to see what’s wrong.  He then fixes it and returns it – with new windshield wipers to boot because it was a rainy day.  Little things?  Maybe.

After dinner one night while the kids played together, I was overwhelmed with a sudden feeling of exhaustion.  Usually I immediately start clearing the table after we eat (he cooks, so it’s the least I can do), but instead I asked if he’d mind if I went and laid down for a bit.  Not only did he not mind, but he came and laid with me.  We both ended up falling asleep and my daughter got this sweet picture of us:

littlethingsblog2

A nap together as a break from a busy day?  A little thing?  Maybe.

Another example – Mondays are hectic for me now.  My daughter was cast as Annie in our local production and I am a chorus member.  We have rehearsals on Mondays and she also has dance class on Mondays.  It’s hard to be in all these places at the same time, mind you.  So, what does that man of mine do?  Helps.  He picked her up from dance and brought her back to rehearsal so that I didn’t have to leave during chorus rehearsal.  And this followed him keeping her for me over the weekend so I was able to visit my grandparents like I mentioned before.

Little things? 

I’m telling you.  Pay attention.  Those little things speak loudly if you train your ears to hear them.

A few more before I wrap up.

I ran 11 miles yesterday in honor of all who were affected by the Boston marathon bombings.  It was my longest distance to date as a runner.  I wore my printed-out Boston runner’s bib in tribute.  While on the run, a fellow runner saw my bib as he was passing, and reached out and high-fived me.  A high-five from a stranger?  Definitely a little thing, but it sure had a big impact.  (Before the run was over, I got a few car honks as well.)

Also – a new friend of mine who is an ultra runner celebrated my 11 mile run with me as if it were her own personal victory.  Did I mention she’s an ultra runner?  She has run in a 130-mile race. Yes, you read that right.  One hundred and thirty miles.  And she celebrated my 11 like it was the greatest thing on earth.  Little things.

A random sweet text from my son; an email from a friend saying that my blog has inspired them to start running; getting chills while listening to a room full of little girls singing songs at a rehearsal for Annie….

I have to make myself stop.  This list could go on and on and on.

And isn’t that awesome?

Take the time to notice them.  They’re everywhere.  All of these little things are what make this crazy ride called life worthwhile.  Unfortunately, we are sometimes too busy to appreciate them.  But we need to stop that.  These may be the memories that fill our minds one day when we’re looking back on our past – the same ones that we might forget to give a second glance to in the present.  So, stop.  Look around.  Hear the things that aren’t being said – see the things that aren’t so obvious.  Be grateful.  Be appreciative.  Be alive.

Now, go make your list of little things.

***

“Half the joy of life is in little things taken on the run…
but let us keep our hearts young and our eyes open that nothing worth our while shall escape us.”

– Victor Cherbuliez

Boston

As a writer and a runner, I feel drawn to blog about what happened in Boston yesterday.  But honestly, there just aren’t any words.  There just aren’t.  I don’t know what I can say that others before me haven’t already said.  How do you make sense of such useless violence at an event that is supposed to be filled with joy and pride and unity?

All I know to say is what I posted on Facebook yesterday in the midst of the first news coming out about the bombings, and what I’ve turned to myself many times before (including most recently during my little personal “disaster”).  These words from Mr. Rogers:

“When I was a boy and I would see scary things in the news, my mother would say to me, ‘Look for the helpers. You will always find people who are helping.’ To this day, especially in times of “disaster,” I remember my mother’s words and I am always comforted by realizing that there are still so many helpers – so many caring people in this world.”
Fred Rogers

Knowing that good still exists is sometimes the only thing that gets you through things like this.  Because it does.  It truly does.  For every nutjob, there are thousands of kind, good, caring citizens to help pick up the pieces from the destruction they leave behind.

Today, I will join the many runners across the nation who will be putting on our makeshift race bibs (see picture below) and running in honor of everyone who was affected by what happened yesterday – the victims, the injured, the families and friends, the bystanders, the runners (both present at the marathon and otherwise), and anyone else whose heart was broken by this blow to humanity.  I’m due an 11-mile run, which will be the farthest I’ve run so far.  No time like today.  Will you join me?

Print out the bib below and pin it to your shirt.  And run.  I don’t care if you run 0.5 mile or 50.  Just run.  Just run.  Do what we runners always do best – overcome adversity by putting one foot in front of the other and keep continuing to move forward.

 racebib

***

“If you can’t fly, then run. If you can’t run, then walk. If you can’t walk, then crawl. But whatever you do, keep moving.”
– Martin Luther King, Jr.

Excuses = Fuel

excuses

I went for a 4-mile run this morning.  This was only my second run since my accident a few weeks ago.  I’m trying to take it slow and ease back in.  But after today’s run, I have realized something.

I’m ready.

My half marathon is 3 weeks from today.  This wreck did slow me down, I’ll give it that.  But it’s not going to stop me.  I’m still going to do what I had planned to do.  No excuses.

While running, I was thinking of all this and this random phrase entered my mind:

Turn your excuses into fuel.

At first, I’m not sure where that phrase came from or even if it made any sense.  But as I thought about it more, it started making perfect sense.  I started thinking of all of the excuses I’ve used in regards to running and all of the ways that I’ve turned those excuses from hindrances to motivators.  And if you’re a runner – or even if you’re just a living breathing human and have considered doing anything ever and have let excuses stop you – you might relate to some of these.  Here are  some examples of the excuses I have used in the past, and the responses I found to give myself:

I can’t run because I am overweight.  Oh yeah?  Well awesome.  Running will help you lose weight.  Go run.

I can’t run because I don’t have the energy.  Oh yeah?  No energy?  Awesome.  Running will help you find that energy.  The feeling after a run is hard to beat.  You’re energized for the day.  Now go run.

I can’t run because I’m too tired.  Awesome.  See above.  Running energizes you.  That tired feeling will be gone before you know it.  Run.

I can’t run because I have kids.  Really?  You have kids?  Awesome.  Teach them that staying active and healthy is important.  Show them that if you can do it, they can do it.  And you might even get to the point where you do it together.  So go get started.  Go run.

I can’t run because it’s taking too much time away from my kids.  No, it’s not.  It’s taking some time away from your kids – not too much time.  And you know you need some time alone.  And besides, you’re teaching your kids that time alone is important too and they’ll know to make it a priority one day themselves.  And that’s something that they really need to learn.  Go run.

I can’t run because I don’t have time.  Yes, you do.  I used to say the same thing and, believe me, I am extremely busy.  I live over an hour from where I work and I have two active teenagers.  I found the time.  You will too.  You make time for what’s important.  Run.

I can’t run because it’s raining outside or it’s cold or there’s a tornado or a hailstorm or whatever.  Awesome.  Good reason to finally join the gym.  And you can do more than run there.  There are weights and machines and everything.  And if you try hard enough you can even figure out how to use them.  True story.

I don’t have the money to join the gym.  You don’t?  Awesome.  That will make you cut your expenses in other places like you know you needed to do anyway.  It’s amazing how much you can save when you turn those lunchtime McDonald’s runs into lunchtime gym runs.

 I’m going through a relationship breakup.  Yeah, I know.  That sucks.  And it makes you sad.  But guess what?  Now you’re going to have even more time to run.  Taking time to spend with just yourself is more important now than ever.  Take this new time and use it.  You’ll amaze yourself with how strong you are.  Now go run.

And now we got back together.  Oh yeah?  Awesome.  Now you have your running buddy and cheerleader back.  And he understands and supports you training for this half marathon.  Don’t worry about taking the time you need to train.  He gets it.  And he’ll be there at the finish line.  How awesome is that?  Now go run.

Now I have all these man-hating songs on my running playlist…  Awesome.  Replace all the dude references with references to your old self instead.  It’s amazing how motivating those songs can be when you dedicate them to the old excuse maker that used to be you.  Show that chick who’s the boss and who’s going to rise above it all.  Go run.

And finally…

I can’t run because I had a wreck.  Yes, you did.  And it was scary and it sucked.  And you got hurt.  But it won’t last forever.  It took a little out of your training schedule plans, but that’s ok.  There’s nothing written in stone that says you had to follow every single step of that training plan.  Two days before you got in that accident, you ran 10 miles.  TEN MILES!  Girlfriend, you got this.  That wreck did nothing but make you stronger than you were before.  Because it served to show you that NOTHING is going to stop you.

So, yep.

Turn your excuses into fuel.

Makes perfect sense, doesn’t it?  Glad I thought of it.

Now, go run.

***

“It is wise to direct your anger towards problems – not people;
to focus your energies on answers – not excuses.”
– William Arthur Ward

Helpers

helpers

Well, here we are.  The dreaded day after.

Not only am I hurting (holy cow, am I sore!), but now comes the fun part.  Dealing with the car insurance, the hospital bills, worrying about how to get new transportation, worrying about missing work, worrying about driving again and not being with the kids while I’m lying around recuperating, etc. etc. etc.  If I let myself get caught up in thinking of all of that, I could get pretty depressed.  And actually almost did this morning.

But then, I remember.

As Mr. Rogers so eloquently put it in his quote above, I need to remember the ‘helpers.’  Not only the helpers that were at the scene yesterday – most of which I don’t even know their names and will most likely never see again – but also the helpers that are still here.  The ones who have called to check on me, who have read my blog, who have sent out their well wishes through the internet.  My boss and co-workers who are understanding and picking up the slack from my not being there today, my kids for calling and texting to check on me and their dad for graciously taking care of them and telling me not to worry and to stay at Richard’s and rest.  And dear, sweet, wonderful Richard.  Who has taken me in and cooked dinner for me and made sure I was comfortable and asked me how I was feeling every 10 minutes or so.  And who has offered me a vehicle to drive until everything else gets worked out.  My dad, who has called multiple times to make sure I’m still ok, my grandma, my mom, my siblings, my close friends, etc. etc. etc.

I am truly surrounded by goodness.  Sweet, kind, unselfish goodness.

Yes, it stinks that I was in a wreck and totaled my car.  And yes, the aftermath of the paperwork and tediousness may make me crazy for a while.  But I just have to remember to make myself stop and reflect.  Stop and look around and realize how truly blessed and loved that I am.  Remember that I’m not alone and never will be.

Remember the helpers.

***

“You have not lived today until you have done something for someone who can never repay you.”
– John Bunyan

Just Like That…Again

A few weeks ago, I was the first to arrive at an accident.  Click here to read the blog I wrote about it.

And then today, on my way home from work in the ice and snow, this happened to me:

carbooboocollage

These pictures were taken at the place where the car was towed, not at the scene.  Had they been taken at the scene, the car wouldn’t be sitting right side up.  And it wouldn’t be on level ground.  It would be down over a bank.

But let me back up a little.

If you haven’t read my old blog entry, what I’m about to say probably won’t have as much of an effect.  As for me, the one who was there – the effect is surreal.  I still can’t quite wrap my mind around it.

So, I was on my way home from work today.  I left early so that I could take my son to a doctor’s appointment (which ended up being canceled due to the weather – go figure).  The weather was getting pretty rough, but I’ve driven in this stuff a million times.  When you live an hour one-way from where you work, traveling is not a big deal.  I’ve driven through it all.  I’m not saying I’m careless…I know when to slow down and when to take it easy.  But I’ve never been one to shy away from driving somewhere because of road conditions.  So, off I went.

The roads were horrible.  I hadn’t seen them like this in a while.  It happened so suddenly and unexpectedly.  I hadn’t heard anything forecasted like this and wasn’t really ready for how quickly the road conditions changed.   And – just like that – I lost control.

Everything is really a blur to tell you the truth.  The EMT workers explained to me (like I heard them to do the woman in my previous blog a few weeks ago) that it’s not uncommon for you to lose your memory temporarily after something like this.  All I remember is losing control of the car.  I vaguely remember being upside down more than once (I’m told now that the car probably flipped twice on the way down the bank), and I remember opening my eyes after it was all over.  I remember looking around the car and realizing that everything was everywhere.  Stuff I didn’t even know I had in the car was now laying on the seat beside me, in the floorboard, in my lap, etc.  I began to frantically search for my phone.  I wasn’t even sure what I was going to do when I found it.  I just wasn’t thinking straight.  I tried to open my car door and, of course, it wouldn’t open.  The car was tilted on its side and I was stuck.  When I finally was able to find my phone in the middle of the clutter, my first call was not to 911 like any sane person would have done, but it was to Richard.  (I pause here to reflect on how different that call would have been a month ago.  Just one short month ago when Richard and I weren’t even talking and were trying to live our lives pretending the other didn’t exist.  Would he have still been the one I called?  Strangely, I’m certain he would have been.  But I digress…)  So, I called Richard and tried to frantically tell him what happened.  Before I could even get out one garbled sentence, I heard a voice from outside the car.  I turned around and realized for the first time that there was no back window anymore on my car.  An elderly man was calling to me from the outside asking if I was ok.

I was actually shocked that anyone was there.  When I lost control of the car, I was on a road where there was no traffic.  And after looking around me, I realized that I had gone down over a steep bank and could not be seen from the road.  I asked him how he knew I was there and he said he and his son were passing by and saw my tire tracks in the ice and snow and saw the broken fence.  They pulled over and looked down the bank and saw my car and didn’t hesitate to climb down the bank and come to me.  They helped me out of the car through the only door that would open – the passenger side.  Once I got out of the car, I realized that I wasn’t exactly as ok as I thought I was.  The world was spinning and I got the first sensations of a headache.  The man and his son helped me climb the bank up to the road and get into a truck (their truck?  I’m not even sure).  Eventually people started arriving and the rest is pretty much a blur.  As I began to calm down, I realized my head really really hurt.  At some point a woman got into the truck and began talking to me.  I’m still not sure who she was or why she was there…except that I think I heard her say she lived down the road.  And at one point while she was talking to me, I looked down and realized something that brought a flood of memories back to me.  I was holding her hand.  Holding her hand.  Just like the woman in my last blog held mine.

At this point, I finally started to cry.  In fact, I sobbed.  Through my incoherence and tears, I tried to explain to her how very grateful I was that she, and all of the other people were there.  I finally knew how the woman in the white car felt.  I was now the woman in the white car.  And I was the one in need of the kindness of strangers.

Richard soon arrived and I don’t remember much after that.  He took over with all the details (talking to the police officer, gathering my things, etc.) and I was whisked away in an ambulance due to the nice size knots forming on my noggin.  After a painful ambulance ride, a million questions, and a CT scan, it was deemed that my mother had always been right…I really am hard-headed.  This exceptionally thick skull of mine finally served its purpose and kept everything inside safe.  I was going to be ok.

Now, ready for the good part?

As they were rolling me into the hospital, all I could think about was “Denise.”  The woman in the wreck a few weeks ago. I was pretty sure her name was Denise.  And I remembered her saying she worked at this hospital.  This hospital.  So, I asked for her.  The technician who was working on me at the time said that yes, he did know her, and was she a friend of mine?  I didn’t really know how to answer that or explain why I was asking about her.  So I didn’t.  I just said, “this happened to her.”

And a few minutes later, there she was.

It was surreal.  There I lay on the stretcher, the same way she laid just a few short weeks ago, and now it was her by my side.  She remembered me – of course she remembered me – and again, she held my hand.  We talked and talked.  She told me how she was doing (oh how many times I wondered that) and told me that she thought of me many times and wondered who I was and why I had stopped for her that day.  I told her how much I now realized what she had went through and how grateful I was that our paths had crossed again in this fateful, ironic way.  While the doctors and nurses swirled around us, we just talked.  Just like old friends.  Old friends whose paths had crossed at a time when they needed to.  And were now crossing again – for the same reason.

I’m not even sure how to put into words what I’m trying to say here with this blog.  The girl who is always so full of words is finally somewhat speechless.  There’s a lesson to be learned here and I’m grasping trying to figure out what it is.  Perhaps my head will be a little clearer tomorrow when it doesn’t hurt quite so much.  But for tonight, through the pain, this is all I know to tell you.  Everything – everything – happens for a reason.  What you sow, you will reap.  Reach out and help someone when you can, because next time it might be you that needs the help.

Next time, you might be the woman in the white car.

***

“There’s nowhere you can be that isn’t where you’re meant to be…”
– John Lennon

April Fool

“‘Cause I’ve seen it all come and go before
I’m sure I’ll see it all again
But if I thought for one instant it might be love
 I’d be the first one jumpin’ in…”
– Diamond Rio lyrics (“Here I Go”)

Ok.  So, a little over a month ago, I wrote a blog about how I was going to take the whole year of 2013 off from dating and relationships.  (Here’s the link if you’re interested.) Well, I figure there’s no better time than April Fool’s Day to update my readers on how that little notion has played out.  Why April Fool’s Day?  Well.  I’m pretty sure this day was designed for fools like me.  So since this is my own personal day, I figured I can confess a few things and you guys might go a little easier on me.

So with that preamble, I’m sure you know what I’m about to confess.  Turns out, I wasn’t so great at that whole idea.  But that’s ok.

And here’s why.

I heard some Alabama song lyrics again a while back and they really got to me.  It’s a song called Lady Down on Love.  Here are the lyrics:

“She’s got her freedom
But she’d rather be bound
To a man who would love her
And never let her down.”

– Alabama

That’s so me.  It really is.  Yes, I had my freedom.  And yes, I was enjoying it to an extent.  I have learned more about myself in these past three months than I may ever have before – and the only reason for that is that I just finally took the time to actually do it.  And one of the biggest things that I’ve learned, and that I’ve come to accept, is that I really am a pretty positive person.  I just am.  I’m a glass half full kinda gal.  Yes,  I do get my feelings hurt at times, I do get let down when things don’t go my way, I do cry, I do get sad – I’m not saying I’m immune to all of that.  But it’s all temporary.  Once it passes, I get back up on that horse and I know that better things are around the corner.  I really would “rather be bound,” so to speak.  So, with this being the case, I tend to remain open to any possibilities. Including the fact that if something real came along, I wasn’t going to turn it away just because I said in some blog that I would.

Well, something real did come along.  Again.

Actually, it never left.

Oh, I tried so hard to convince myself it was gone.  I told myself over and over and over again that I was moving on.  That I didn’t need “some guy” and that I was fine alone.  And I would have been too.  I know that now.  But my heart absolutely refused to shut up.  It just wouldn’t listen to me when I was trying to tell it that we didn’t love him anymore.  He was everywhere.  In the songs I heard.  In the books I read.  In the new guys I met (not that there were that many, mind you. But still.)  There he was.  Unfinished business is a tricky little fellow.  It doesn’t go away until it’s dealt with.  No matter how hard you try.

Now, being the open person I am, I would spout out all kinds of details if I sat here at this keyboard long enough and didn’t think it through.  But just because I’m an open book – that doesn’t mean that everyone else is.  So out of respect for the privacy of the people I love, I’m not going to get into the nitty gritty of the hows and whys things happened the way they did.  Not even sure we know the answer to that ourselves to be honest with you.  But the long and the short of it is this – I found my way back to my best friend.  And I’m certain that he found his way back to his too.  It has been a long road, and we’re still walking it, but we finally decided to try walking it together for a change.  No more rushing ahead, no more falling behind…just walking together.  Figuring it out as we go.

We like it better this way.

So, back to the original blog entry.  Honestly – nothing has changed.  I’m still on this “quest for me,” so to speak.  That won’t be changing.  I’m still going to be writing this blog.  I’m still training for my half marathon.  I’m still going to continue acting.  I’m still going to be me.  A stronger, healthier, more self-aware version of me, yes – but still me.  Being in a relationship is not going to change that.  Finally.  I think maybe I’m finally learning to find that balance – that thin line that lies between giving your heart to someone, while at the same time still remembering to retain a big portion for yourself.

This:

saveme

Yeah.  That.

So, there’s my update.  I didn’t exactly do what I set out to do in the way that I set out to do it.  But did I fail?  Heck no.  I’m in love and I’m trying.  There’s definitely no failure in that.

Let’s go find out what the future holds…

***

“To lose balance for love is part of living a balanced life.”
– Elizabeth Gilbert