Tag Archives: friendship

Luck

“Any fool can have bad luck; the art consists in knowing how to exploit it.”
– Frank Wedekind

Luck.

Ok, so you know those people, right? The ones who seem to have everything going for them. Who seem to skate through life with no noteworthy negativity [How do you like that alliteration??]. Everything just seems to go their way without them even having to lift a finger. *sigh* Must be nice. As some of my graceful, elegant family members used to describe it, “They walk around like they have a horseshoe stuck up their butt.”

(Ok, maybe “butt” wasn’t exactly their choice of words…but I digress…)

Well, me? Yeah, I am NOT one of those people. Especially when it comes to vehicles. While those people get to have horseshoes stuck up there, I apparently have an albatross that climbs up mine every time I get behind the wheel of a vehicle.

Now, maybe blaming it on luck isn’t exactly fair. I’m sure some of it may have to do with my own carelessness. Maybe. But seriously, a lot of it just really isn’t my fault. Really.

Let’s look at the past five months, shall we?

Some of my regular followers may remember that I had an accident back in April. I totaled my car. (Missed that blog? Want the gruesome details? Click here.)

[Ugh…ok, I’m lying. There aren’t any ‘gruesome’ details. That was just a shameless plug of an old blog to get you to read it. I’m a jerk…]

Anyhoozle…

So, I totaled my car. And that sucked. Yes, I guess you could say that was my ‘fault’ (at least my new insurance premium screams that loud and clear), but in my defense, a freak, unexpected winter storm hit us out of the blue while I was on the road. A new layer of snow on a curvy road doesn’t make for the most favorable road conditions. So, fault or no fault, I guess you could say a little bad luck was at play. That is, if you believe in that kind of thing. I call my boyfriend Richard and he comes and picks my car-less self up and takes me home to take care of me. (Awww.)

So, fast forward a few days. I finally feel able to drive again. (Now, nothing was all that wrong physically, mind you, other than my slight concussion – it was more of a mental barrier to wanting to drive again after flipping down a rocky bank…) That sweet, wonderful boyfriend of mine and his generous mom offer me a spare family vehicle to drive until I get the insurance stuff straightened out and get another car of my own, and I gratefully accept their offer.

So, here we go. Vehicle #2.

The *first* day I get behind the wheel of this borrowed car to drive to work, I’m about ten miles from home and out of nowhere comes a turkey. Yes, a turkey.

A TURKEY.

[**Note. This is not the actual turkey. But this is an accurate portrayal of the look that was on the little jerk’s face as he barreled towards me.]

He side swipes me and…rips off the driver’s side mirror.

Are you freakin kidding me??

Yep. A turkey just tore up my borrowed vehicle. So, of course I make what I feel like is the hardest call I’ve ever had to make to Richard and, through my tears, ‘fess up. And what does he do? Laughs. A lot. It’s not funny!! I borrow a vehicle and break it in the first ten minutes! How is that funny?? Still. He laughs.

Oh, he thinks that’s funny, huh? Let’s fast forward another two weeks. Really. Two tiny little weeks later, I’m driving along in the same borrowed car, now complete with a brand new driver’s side mirror, and what happens? I turn the wheel to the left going around a curve and…ready for this?…it FALLS OFF. I’m not exaggerating!! Ok, I’m exaggerating a little bit. It didn’t completely come off. But it fell over. Apparently this is known as a tie rod end breaking. Call it what you want, but I call it “Oh crap!” (And again, maybe crap wasn’t the actual word being used, but no point in digressing yet again…)

So, here comes call #3 to Richard. (If you’re keeping track, call #1 was totaling my own car. Call #2 was the turkey. And now call #3 is telling him his wheel fell off. And this is all within a matter of 2-3 weeks. *sigh*) He didn’t laugh as much this time. But he did have to come get me. Again.

Well, after some pretty hefty repair work and Richard driving me to work every day in the interim, I manage to drive his car for a few more weeks without anything else falling off. And eventually I am even finally able to get the insurance mess worked out and get a car of my very own. Yay! After the first few days of a random ‘check engine’ light malfunction (don’t EVEN tell me there’s no such thing as bad luck…), the dealership got everything taken care of and all was well. Smooth sailing with Vehicle #3…

Until today.

Trash pickup day.

Now, most of you know I am a runner. I just ran 8+ miles yesterday while working my way up to my second half marathon in November. You read that, right? I ran EIGHT miles yesterday. But you know what I apparently can’t do? Walk my trash down to the end of my driveway. Ugh. It’s sooooo far. (Read that with your internal whiny voice, because that’s exactly how I just said it.) Nope. That 100-foot walk to the end of my driveway is apparently too much for this chick. Instead, I feel the need to drive it down and drop it off as I leave for work. And, well, it’s a bag. Of trash. I don’t want to put that nasty thing in my cute little car. Gross. So, what do I do?

I leave my driver’s side door propped open and back down the driveway holding the bag of trash out of the car. You with me? You got the mental image? You see me backing down a slight declined driveway holding a bag of trash out of my door? Ok, now picture a huge mound of dirt that I forgot was there. And then picture my drivers side door catching on that mound of dirt. Picture me not noticing and continuing to back down the driveway…and picture my door bending BACKWARDS and practically breaking completely off.

Seriously?? SERIOUSLY?

Call #4. “Richard? Um. I just broke my door off of my car…”

*sigh*

Goodbye, Goldie Sue. (It’s a gold Subaru. Isn’t that name clever? Yeah, like that matters to this story…)

So, here we are again. Richard had to come and get me and take me to the same borrowed vehicle from before and once again save the day by giving me something to drive to work until I get mine repaired.

Story should end there, huh?

Oh no. Not for Melissa.

On the way home today, the passenger side mirror on the borrowed vehicle that had been just a tad loose all along, decided to go ahead and snap all the way off. Of course it happens while I’m driving it.

Call #5. “Um, Richard? You know that mirror that was loose? It just broke off. But it’s NOT MY FAULT….”

Wow.

I’m betting not many of you are going to want to ride with me after reading this blog, huh? Well, join the club.

Hey, at least I have one living creature that will still come along for the ride…

Bless her heart.

Well, there you have it. Confessions of a Bad Driver, Volume One. I’m sure there will be plenty more to come….

Hey, if you can’t laugh at yourself, what can you do? You know? Yes, I have some seriously bad luck when it comes to vehicles. That albatross has apparently found a nice comfy home.

But you know what? That bad luck only applies to vehicles. Because look at the rest of my life. Look at this story alone. I have a wonderful, patient man who is always there to help me pick up the crazy pieces of my chaotic life and calmly put them all back together. I walked away from a totaled car with barely a scratch, I have a cute little dog (ok, it’s the neighbor’s but she doesn’t realize that) who loves to go along on car rides with me, and I have wonderful readers who read this blog and come along on this crazy ride and laugh right along with the silly happenings of my never-a-dull-moment life.

Hmmm.

Maybe I’m actually a pretty lucky lady after all.

Well. That is, if you believe in that kind of thing…

***

“Not many people have had as much bad luck as I have, but not many people have had as much good luck, either.”
– Tig Notaro

Posted by Melissa Edmondson. Categories: Freestyle Writings/Musings. Tags: accident, bad luck, blog, car, change, comedy, dog, flaws, friendship, good luck, humor, inspiration, love, luck, motivation, photos, problems, Quotes, relationships, runner, vehicles, wreck, writing. 6 Comments

Aug. ’13

Cool Story

“Nothing’s better than the wind to your back, the sun in front of you, and your friends beside you.”
– Aaron Douglas Trimble

So. Wanna hear a cool story?

Ok, see this pic?

That’s me on the left. And on the right is my friend Zoe. [Isn’t she gorgeous!?]

Ok, so it’s a picture. No big deal, right? Just a pic of two chicks who are friends. Both women, both in the same age range, (both, incidentally, feeling silly taking a ‘selfie’ pic…), both smiling and happy and healthy. I can hear you now – “Yeah? So what?”

Ok, so we’re both runners. Is that a tad more interesting? No? Ok, how about this….We’re both runners training for a half marathon. Slightly cooler, right?

Still nothing earth shattering?

Hmmm.. Alright, let’s try this – we’re training for a half marathon together. Now, is it cool story? Sure it is. Two friends training for a half marathon together. That’s intriguing, no?

Oh shoot. Silly me. I almost forgot the most important part. The part we writers like to call the twist. You ready?

Zoe lives in Australia.

I live in America.

Yep. You read that right.

With 14 time zones, an ocean or two (I sooo didn’t pay attention in Geography class…), and a boat load of cultural differences between us (people use kilometers? Really? I know about the 5K and the 10K, but you mean there are others??), Zoe and I are training partners for our half marathon on November 9.

So, how did this all come about?

Well, it’s pretty simple really. In early May, just a few short months after starting my blog, and just days before my first half marathon, I received my first comment on here that was not from someone I know personally. It said:

Good luck! From Melbourne, Australia!

I just wanted to let you know how much I’m enjoying your writing- I found you when I was searching running blogs as I’m a new runner myself and totally obsessed. You write so evocatively and thoughtfully, and I often find myself smiling or nodding along to your musings! Best of luck with your half, you’ll smash it!

Warm regards,
Zoë

I’ll never forget how thrilled I was to get that message. Not only did it make me realize that other people were reading this stuff (besides my ever-loyal friends and family in real life), but someone was actually reading it in Australia!? What?! How cool is that? This message was the first in what would become a banter between two women all the way across the world from each other over the next few months. And then, when I announced that I would be training for my second half marathon in November, Zoe suggested that we train together.

So, here we are.

We’re only in our first week of training, but I intend to post a few updates along the way to let you know how we’re doing.

Isn’t this great? Someone way over on the other side of the map is my buddy. My training partner. We’ve never laid eyes on each other in person, never heard each others’ undoubtedly cool accents (ok, her cool accent – my southern drawl is nothing much to brag about if you ask me…), and have never even shook hands. In many ways we’re still strangers, but in many other ways – the ways that matter – we’re friends.

We’re just truly never alone, are we? No matter how much we may feel like we are at times, something like this reminds us that we’re not. Somewhere out there, there is someone not only going through whatever you’re going through, but willing to go through it right beside you if you let them.

Yep. That’s good stuff.

Ok, so now is this a cool story? 😉

And guess what? It’s just going to get even cooler. So, stick around!

***

“In union there is strength.”
– Aesop

Posted by Melissa Edmondson. Categories: Freestyle Writings/Musings, Running. Tags: Australia, blog, friendship, friendships, half marathon, health, heart, inspiration, inspirational, marathon, motivation, motivational, passion, photos, Quotes, run, runner, running, running partner, training, training partner, world, writing. 4 Comments

Aug. ’13

34

“God gave us the gift of life; it is up to us to give ourselves the gift of living well.”
– Voltaire

Today, August 1, 2013, is the last day that I will ever be 34 years old.

As you get older, birthdays don’t seem to hold the same significance that they did when you were younger. Have you noticed that? You don’t really “look forward” to them anymore. In fact, at some point, they become something that you even somewhat dread. (Another year older!? Really??) But I have decided that, starting this year, I’m going to put a stop to that nonsense.

As I prepare to turn the page to 35, I’m going to take a moment to look back over the year I was 34. The good, the bad – everything notable that took place during my time on this earth as a 34-year-old. Each year holds special moments that are gone in the blink of an eye – moments that we will never get back and can only be relived through memories. They should be cherished and appreciated and yes, even celebrated – the bad, along with the good. But most important of all, they should be noticed. For these are the moments that make us who we are – the moments that shape and mold us into the awesome, unique individuals that comprise humanity, and that give each of us our own story to tell.

So, here’s mine.

Please join me as I look back over the 34 most notable events of my 34th year (in no particular order):

1. I started a blog. I had toyed with the idea for years, but I finally got up the courage to do it this year. And it has been AMAZING! If you’re reading this, you’re one of the reasons why. I’m blown away by how many people read this thing and by all the responses I have gotten from it. From the bottom of my heart, I thank you.

2. I got my first writing award (and check!). I got up the nerve to enter a local writing contest and was shocked to get a letter in the mail saying that I had won first place in the essay category. Woohoo!

3. I got my first rejection letter. Yep. A real-life “your stuff isn’t what we’re looking for” letter. And you know what? I actually thought it was kind of cool. Really. You’re not a real writer until you get a rejection. Initiation complete.

4. I saw Niagara Falls. And it was AWESOME!

5. I saw my first marathon. A group of us traveled to New York for the Wineglass Marathon. Many in the group were running the marathon, some running the half marathon, and some, like myself, were just there to watch. There was NOTHING like it. One of my favorite running-related quotes of all time: “If you lose faith in humanity, go watch a marathon.” – Kathrine Switzer. There is so much truth to that. The feeling of camaraderie and “oneness” between the runners and spectators alike was something that I don’t even know how to put into words. This was definitely one of the highlights of my 34th year, hands down.

6. I ran a 5K in New York, and got my personal best time of 30:55. The day before the marathon, there was a 5k as part of the festivities surrounding the event. I decided to run it in, and ended up getting my best personal 5K time. My boyfriend captured this picture at the very moment that I looked up and saw the time clock at the finish line. I just love it. The picture says it all. It was nice to feel so proud of myself.

7. My son joined the cross country team at school. This was such great news to me. I was so proud of him, and felt like my running had made an influence on that decision. Since joining the team, he has gone on to race in a few races with me, and place in many of them (including a 3rd place overall finish for one of them!). I’m such a proud mom.

8. I ran my first 10k. Shortly after returning from the New York trip, I knew that I couldn’t stop at 5Ks. It was time to start training for longer distances. My first 10K was a trail run, and I ran it with my son. I wasn’t fast, but I was very proud. And it was the first time that the thought entered my mind that I might even be able to go further than that. Which brings me to #9..

9. I ran my first half-marathon. Wow. All of my hard work paid off and I crossed that finish line with possibly more pride in myself than I had ever felt before. Not too shabby for a 34-year-old, if I don’t say so myself.

(Here’s the blog entry about the half marathon if you’d like to read more: https://missyspublicjunk.wordpress.com/2013/05/04/i-did-it/)

10. I watched my boyfriend Richard be inducted as the Master of the Ashe Masonic Lodge #594. This was actually very, very cool. I had never seen anything like this ceremony (I’m a chick – we’re not allowed, ya know), and I admit that I went into it thinking that the rituals and secrecy were somewhat silly. But I came away with a deeper understanding of how much this fellowship means to those men, and what good, kind, noble men each and every one of them are. I was so incredibly proud to be Richard’s girlfriend that day. I won’t forget it anytime soon.

11. I started attending a new church. My boyfriend and I, along with our kids, have started attending Bethany United Methodist Church. It has been nice to feel like a part of a church family again. I needed that.

12. I moved. I finally took the plunge and moved out of a place that I was unhappy at. It has made all the difference in the world. It’s such a great feeling to actually look forward to going home for a change. Definitely a noteworthy event from my 34th year.

13. We lost our pet, Chicago. Little Chicago was something else. While just a kitten, my daughter found him in an old trash can outside our home. He had been hurt badly (we still don’t know by what – or whom), and could not move his hind legs. Kelly carried him around like a baby for weeks, feeding him milk from a tiny measuring spoon and giving him little kitty pain pills that an animal-loving friend of ours had provided. I just knew the little guy wasn’t going to make it, but alas – he surprised us all. He was with us for four years. I pretended like I didn’t like the little guy (he had THE MOST annoying meow in the world), but I feel his loss more than I ever thought I would have. We miss you, annoying little Chicago. You were loved.

14. I saw my grandma turn 83. Such a spry, spunky little Grandma she is too.

15. I lost another grandparent. My grandpa, Paul Pridemore (who we all referred to as “Mr. P.”) passed away during my 34th year. Mr. P. lived a long, happy, healthy 96 years on this earth and will be missed by everyone who knew him. I’ll bet he wasn’t the type to dread another birthday. He served as a good example to live life to the fullest while we’re here. I hope I’ll live to make him proud.

16. I ran the path that my other grandpa, Greene Halsey, had walked to school. This is something that I had wanted to do for a long time, and finally did it during my 34th year. I’ll post the link to the blog if you’d like to read more about it. I was very proud to have finally done this. https://missyspublicjunk.wordpress.com/2013/02/25/uphill-both-ways/

17. I sang in public for the first time (sort of). Ok, so technically, I had done this before in musicals. And at karaoke. But getting up and singing with my boyfriend at one of his gigs was SO nerve-wracking. I couldn’t believe I had the courage to get up there. It was hard – and I was shaking like a leaf – but I did it. And have done it a few more times since. Definitely a noteworthy moment from age 34.

18. I lost Richard. Definitely not one of the happiest moments of age 34, but noteworthy nonetheless. Richard and I split up for 2 months. We both tried to move on, but we found our way back (thank God). I think we both grew up more during those 2 months than we had in a long time. Sometimes you just have to travel alone for a while (whether you want to or not) to find out what’s really important. And I definitely found out what was important. Him. I’m so glad he’s back.

19. I witnessed two little miracles. I saw the tiniest babies I had ever seen in my life – and they belonged to my sister. Her twins were born 10 weeks too early. Not many things have affected my life like seeing those tiny little healthy human beings. I’m so amazed at the technology that we have now that allowed for these two to survive.

Here they were then:

And here they are now:

(Again, if you’d like to check out the blog post about these little angels, here’s the link: https://missyspublicjunk.wordpress.com/2013/04/03/week-old-miracles/)

If the 33-year-old Melissa didn’t believe in miracles, this 34-year-old Melissa sure as heck does.

20. I was the subject of a blog. My boyfriend and I were interviewed for a very public blog that was read by tons of people. How cool is that?! Definitely the first time that has ever happened. I was famous for a day!

Links: (Here’s the link to the actual blog: http://www.8womendream.com/55851/improve-womens-self-esteem / And here’s the link to my own blog post about the blog: https://missyspublicjunk.wordpress.com/2013/05/22/self-image-part-2/)

21. I was on TV. Yep. My first TV appearance. I was interviewed for an art segment of a local channel regarding the role I was playing in an upcoming production. Awesomeness. Another first occurring in year 34. (blog link: https://missyspublicjunk.wordpress.com/2013/03/12/fear/)

22. I starred in my first lead female role with Ashe County Little Theatre. I was so proud to have been cast as Mother in the show Life With Father. It took me a long time to become a part of this theatre, and this was such a monumental moment for me. I will remember it always. (Plus, my boyfriend’s son Riley got to play as one of my sons. Added bonus.)

23. My daughter starred in her first lead role ever. I have been involved in theatre for pretty much my whole life, but I never knew the meaning of “nervous” until I felt what I felt just before the curtain rose on opening night of Annie. Watching my baby girl stepping on to the stage in the title role was beyond anything I’ve ever felt before. I was so incredibly proud of her. Not only for her ability, but for her poise and humility throughout the production. This kid is going to go places. Mark my word.

(Related blog post: https://missyspublicjunk.wordpress.com/2013/06/26/tomorrow/)

24. Lost a friend. Although I don’t count this as one of the highlights of my 34th year, I had a falling out with a very close friend. Looking back, I’m not so sure the problem was worth ending a friendship over (is it ever?), but it happened nonetheless. And it should be noted in this list. Perhaps I can come back with an update in year 35 that this has been mended? Perhaps. Either way. Friendship lost – duly noted on the list – moving along…

25. Mended a friendship. While we’re on the topic, I might as well mention that I regained a friend in my 34th year. This is a story that I hope to tell in a future blog, but for now, I’ll just say that it’s nice to have found my old friend again. And to know all is well. Everything always works out ok in the end, right? Chris, I’m glad you’re back.

26. Ran my first obstacle race. The Warrior Dash. *sigh* I don’t even have the energy to talk about this one anymore. If you want to read about it, I’ll post the link. You probably don’t though. It was NOT the best experience. But good or bad, it made the “34” list, so I guess it was notable.

(Blog link: https://missyspublicjunk.wordpress.com/2013/06/03/warrior-dash-or-as-i-like-to-call-it-hell/)

27. Richard and I introduced each other to the fam. That’s a big deal. We were each thrown into the big, loud, happy mix at each other’s family get-togethers over the holidays, and then in a few events (some sad, some happy) since then. Nothing makes you feel like a “real” couple more than getting included in the family (dis)functions. 😉

28. We took our first ‘family’ trip to the beach. Richard’s family has this super cool tradition that spans the years (starting even before he was born) of all getting together to go to Myrtle Beach once a year. It’s a glorified family reunion, if you will. And this year, my kids and I were included. And that’s awesome. It meant so much to me to be included in something so special, and is definitely noteworthy in my 34 list.

29. Made it through a cancer scare. I was a basket case during the fall of my 34th year. We found a lump on my son’s neck that wouldn’t go away. 17 years ago, the same thing had happened to me when I was just a few years older than he was. And I had Hodgkin’s lymphoma. After excruciating weeks of waiting and worrying, a surgery was finally scheduled to remove the lump from his neck and have it tested. And – thank God – it was benign. There is no worry like that of a mother for her child. I gained a new appreciation and understanding for my own mother through this ordeal, and I hope to never have to go through anything like it again.

30. Got a standing ovation – mid-show. Now, THAT was cool. Of course, I was playing Elvis (sort of). And I sang Heartbreak Hotel. And I looked like this:

But still. Standing ovations mid-show just don’t happen. That was definitely one for the 34 list. Hands down.

31. Went to an AWESOME wedding. Now, you know if a wedding made the list, it must have kicked butt. Well…it did. That was the most fun I have had in a while. It was theatre-themed and full of people I love – how could you go wrong? I even blogged about it. (https://missyspublicjunk.wordpress.com/2013/05/13/completion/)

Thanks Jim & Rebecca for giving us these memories to cherish.

32. Visited the house Richard lived in when he was born. We took a little detour on the way back while we were in New York for the marathon, and swung by to take a look at the house that Richard lived in for the first six months of his life. It was the first time he had seen it since. That was a pretty cool moment. Very sentimental. I was proud to be able to tag along for that moment. That was a good “age 34” memory.

33. 4-mile Abingdon race with my son. Now, why did this make my list? Sure, I’ve run plenty of races by now – and quite a few of them with my son. But there was just something about this one. Most notably, when my son finished the race (well ahead of me, of course), he turned around and came back on the track to find me, and finished with me. It would be pretty difficult to leave that moment off of the top 34 list. Have I mentioned that I’m a proud momma?? (Blog post: https://missyspublicjunk.wordpress.com/2013/03/17/favorite-race-so-far/)

And finally. We’ve reached #34. I saved what I felt was the most notable event for last. (And incidentally, if you’ve made it this far – I’m impressed.)

34. I was in a car accident. In April of my 34th year, I was in a pretty bad car accident. I totaled my car but, miraculously, walked away with only a few scratches. You don’t come away from something like that without some sort of “indention” on your life. It leaves a mark. The only thing that remained intact from my accident, besides myself, was my drivers side mirror. I found the mirror at the accident site days later, and took it home as a reminder. True to my word (as I mentioned in a blog post shortly after – https://missyspublicjunk.wordpress.com/2013/04/08/reflection/), I keep this mirror beside my bed on my nightstand. I feel like it serves a reminder that I’m still here. I’m still here. Life didn’t stop at 34. And there’s probably a reason for that.

And I fully intend to spend the rest of my time here on earth figuring out exactly what that is.

So, thank you. Thank you, reader, for taking this trip down memory lane with me. You know – you would think that it would be hard to come up with 34 things over a year that were notable, wouldn’t you? But I actually found myself having to weed some out. Isn’t that crazy? It’s amazing how much you realize actually happens in your world when you sit down and take the time to pull each event out and shine a light of remembrance on it. We should do this more often, shouldn’t we?

Goodbye, 34. You were awesome.

Hello, 35. You ready? We’ve got a lot of work to do. Let’s get started.

***

“The more you praise and celebrate your life, the more there is in life to celebrate.”
– Oprah Winfrey

Posted by Melissa Edmondson. Categories: Freestyle Writings/Musings. Tags: 34, 35, age, birthday, blog, blogging, daughter, family, friendship, half marathon, heart, heartbreak, inspirational, memories, motivational, photos, Quotes, relationships, theatre, writing. 4 Comments

Jul. ’13

The Significance of Insignificance

significance: (noun) the quality of being worthy of attention; importance.
– Dictionary.com

You know what I want?

To feel significant.

And you know why I want that? Because that’s what everyone wants. We are biologically programmed that way. You know that whole “no man is an island” jazz? Well, it’s true. We, as human beings, do not want to be alone. Generally speaking, of course. We all want brief periods of alone time, yes. But overall – we don’t want to feel isolated and unimportant. We want to be a part of something. Because being a part of something means that you matter.

Think about your life and the choices that you make. Don’t they all eventually come down to this very core need? I’ll give you an example from my own life.

I am involved with theatre. This is a pretty blatant display of the need for significance. You become a part of a group of people that are working together to create something. If you’ve ever done theatre, then you’ve seen firsthand how each and every single person that is involved in any way is of the utmost importance. From the outside looking in, it may seem that someone who does theatre is one who feels the need to ‘show off’ or ‘be seen.’ And maybe there’s some truth to that to an extent. But I think it goes deeper than that. I think it’s just like everything else.

It’s that need for significance.

Another example? This blog. Do I write this blog to ‘show off’? I don’t think so. In fact, I’m so insecure about my writing that I still second, third, fourth and seventy-second-guess myself every single time I’ve posted something. No, it’s not showing off. It’s wanting to put something out there in the world that might make a difference. That might stick in someone’s mind and leave some kind of impression. I want my time on this Earth, and this little talent I possess (if you can call it that), to be significant.

If you look at the things you choose to do in your own world, I think you might see what I’m talking about. How somehow, someway, it all ends up coming back to that need.

Especially…yep, you guessed where I was headed with this…relationships.

I mean, think about it – what is the person you’re in a relationship with referred to? Your significant other. The word significant means ‘important.’ So you’re being referred to as the important other. Now, come on, how cool is that, right?

But you know what’s not cool?

When you start feeling like the insignificant other. THAT’s when the troubles start.

*Sigh*

You know what would be great? If we could just go up to the people in our lives, whether it be your kid, your parent, your employer, or the person you love, and say, “Hey, maybe you didn’t mean for this to happen, but I’ve been feeling insignificant lately. Can you please offer some reassurance?” Seems so simple, doesn’t it? But nope. That’s not what we silly humans usually do. We’re way too proud for that. No, we’d rather just pick a fight. Now, I don’t think we do this consciously, mind you. But it’s what ends up happening nonetheless. We start accusing them of this, that, or the other. We scream at them (and these can sometimes be silent screams…they hurt just as much) about what they’re doing wrong. Or, in some cases, we may pull back and stop giving our best because we feel like it doesn’t matter anyway so why bother. We do all these stupid little unnecessary things, when all they end up coming down to is simply….

I want to feel significant.

That’s it.

That’s all we’re trying to say. Why is so darn hard to just come right out and say those words? Geez.

Man, we humans sure are stupid sometimes.

Tell someone how much they mean to you. Right now. Go do it. It may be all they needed to hear.

***

“The greatest weakness of most humans is their hesitancy to tell others how much they love them while they’re still alive.”
– Optimus Prime

Posted by Melissa Edmondson. Categories: Freestyle Writings/Musings. Tags: blog, dating, friendship, heartbreak, insignificance, inspiration, love, motivation, Quotes, relationships, writing. 3 Comments

Jul. ’13

Me

“What a laugh, though. To think that one human being could ever really know another. You could get used to each other, get so habituated that you could speak their words right along with them, but you never know why other people said what they said or did what they did, because they never even know themselves. Nobody understands anybody.”
– Orson Scott Card

I am going through a very hard time right now. The reason? Doesn’t matter. Just another hard time – you know how it is. You have them too. It would be great if life stayed up there on those peaks all the time, but we all know that the trail dips to the valleys every now and then.

And it sucks.

But this time, I’m starting to realize something. Most problems we have (all of us – not just me), at their very core, exist because people just don’t understand one another. And like the quote above illustrates, how can we? We don’t even understand ourselves.

Well, I don’t know if you care or not, but I’m going to use this blog to try to understand myself. I’m getting ready to describe…me.

And you know what? Maybe by the end of it, you’ll understand me too. And hey, who knows? Maybe this might even help you understand you. Or at least try. That’s all we can do, right?

“Walk with me for awhile, my friend—you in my shoes, I in yours—and then let us talk.”
– Richelle E. Goodrich

I am passionate.

I mean, seriously. I don’t half-ass anything. When I feel something, I freakin feel it. As you can imagine, that can go both ways. When I love you, I soooo love you. I’m hopelessly devoted and cannot even imagine being with anyone else. But when a negative emotion hits? You’re going to get the same intensity as the positive. If I’m mad, I’m furious. If you hurt me, I’m crushed.

I am innocent.

I hate to admit that, but I am. I’m naïve. I truly don’t understand this new world that we’re in where relationships have become casual and ‘hooking up’ seems to be the norm. I don’t desire to go out and drink until the wee hours of the morning. I have no desire whatsoever to ‘date.’ I am the most happy when I’m in a loving, committed relationship. Nothing else will do for me. My preferred past-time is hanging out with a bunch of kids and goofing off – not partying. Does that make me a dud? I guess.

I am loyal.

Once I am committed to something, I’m in. You can trust me 150%. There are no gray areas.

I am obsessive.

I admit it. I find it so incredibly hard to get my mind off of whatever is bothering me. I want to fix it. And a lot of people’s way of ‘fixing’ something is to find something else to temporarily ease the pain. Not me. I want to talk it to death; beat it to death; squeeze it until every last drop of life is gone. I have lost a lot of people I love this way because I tend to love people who are exactly the opposite. People who need their time and space to deal with things. I have always hated this about myself.

I am intensely intuitive.

I know when something is not right. Maybe that stems from my extreme interest in other people. People fascinate me, so I pay attention to them. I watch what they do and figure out why they do it. So, with that being the case, I can usually spot when something is not right. I know the signs and signals. The problem with this? The problem is that while yes, something may be off, my overactive imagination turns what may be a little molehill into Mount Everest. I picture the absolute worst scenario in my head and assume that is the case until I know otherwise. Then, when I find out otherwise, it’s hard to put what I’ve found out in place of what I already assumed to be true. That sucks.

I am honest.

To a fault. I lay it ALL out there. Whether you want it or not. And the problem with that? I expect others to be that way too. And then I’m crushed when they’re not. I wish I were a better liar. I wish I could be mysterious. I wish, I wish, I wish. But it’s not going to happen. It’s not who I am. And since it’s not who I am, I am especially sensitive to it in other people. I don’t understand it, and I am deeply wounded by it. Once I’ve seen dishonesty, it’s really, really, hard for me to unsee it.

I am forgiving.

I fully understand that this may seem to counteract what I just said. But it doesn’t. You’ve heard of forgiving and forgetting? Well, the forgiving part is easy for me. I have forgiven so many things over the years. I understand that people make mistakes. I hope people understand that I make mistakes too. Crap happens. But forgetting? *Sigh* Sadly, forgetting is not my specialty. Can one exist without the other? I don’t know, you tell me.

And finally, one last thing.

I like myself.

It’s true. Yes, I’ve just mentioned some things that aren’t so great about my personality. But I’ve listed some things that I think are pretty honorable too. I have finally – FINALLY – come to a place in my life where I realize that I’m just really not that bad. I fully understand that some people cannot accept my blunt, intense nature. But I just absolutely cannot change who I am. Just like they can’t change who they are. We just have to learn to live together, you know? Flaws, differences, quirks. We just have to accept ourselves for who we are, and accept others for who they are. That’s the only choice we have.

Now that I’ve written this, I’m not sure what the point was really. I guess I’m just hoping to be understood. That’s all we’re ever hoping for, isn’t it? Do you see yourself in anything I’ve described? Are you the complete opposite? Is someone you love like me? Do you think understanding them might help?

It’s your turn.

Who are you?

There may be someone that could really benefit from you letting them know. It could be a start to mending something that is broken.

I sure hope so. Life is way too short for the alternative.

***

“Before we can forgive one another, we have to understand one another.”
– Emma Goldman

Posted by Melissa Edmondson. Categories: Freestyle Writings/Musings. Tags: blog, change, dating, family, flaws, friendship, heartbreak, inspiration, loss, love, loyalty, me, motivation, passion, photos, problems, Quotes, relationships, sharing, trouble, understanding, writing. 1 Comment

Jul. ’13

Facebook

It has been on my mind for a while to do a blog about Facebook. I attempted to deactivate my account recently due to…well, I don’t know what really. I guess I just got sick of it. A lot of my problems lately have seemed to somehow stem from something Facebook related, so I was ready to be done with the whole thing. But my attempt was short-lived. I came crawling back. Like we all do. Don’t lie, you know you’ve done it too. This whole process got me thinking that I should blog about Facebook. You know – the good, the bad, the ugly, the whole nine yards.

Now, let me explain how this whole “blog” process works for me. First: something happens in my life, or I see something significant that strikes a chord, or an interesting thought pops into my mind…whatever the case may be…and I decide that I’m going to write a blog about it. Once the decision is made, the next step is to look for quotes. If you’re a regular reader, I’m sure you’ve noticed that there are very few (if any?) of my blogs that don’t end with a quote. Some also start with one, and most have them interspersed throughout the blog as well. I absolutely adore quotes. I am a lover of conversation and, to me, quotes are just noteworthy snippets of conversation between other humans who were going through something similar to what I was going through. Quotes make us feel connected to each other.

And I think that’s pretty cool.

So, back to Facebook. Once I decided to do a blog about this topic, I went about my usual method. I started searching for quotes. And here is what I’ve decided. Rather than droning on and on about the pros and cons of Facebook, like I had originally intended to do, I’m just going to let the quotes speak for themselves. People have already said it better than I have, so I’ll let them do the talking this time. Ready?

Here we go.

First, one that I think pretty much sums up the whole topic in a nutshell:

“I didn’t know what Facebook was, and now that I do know what it is, I have to say, it sounds like a huge waste of time.”
– Betty White

Right on, little Betty.

Oh, and while we’re at it, let’s throw in another cute one from Betty just for our comedic pleasure:

“People have told me ‘Betty, Facebook is a great way to keep in touch with old friends…’ At my age, if I wanted to keep in touch with old friends, I’d need a Ouija board.”
– Betty White

Hehe. Oh, Betty, girl you cray cray.

Ok, moving along.

On a more somber note, here’s a notable one that really struck a chord with me:

“I feel like I’m part of a generation of people who are stuck in the past and are really self-absorbed. I mean, we’re actually taking pictures of ourselves and posting them on Facebook, and keeping in touch with people that should have been out of our lives 15 years ago.”
– Diablo Cody

That one touched right on the whole reason I wanted to write this blog in the first place. My recent disdain with Facebook began when I started having troubles with someone from my past giving me a hard time on Facebook. It took me much too long to realize that just because someone was a part of your past, that was no reason to carry them into your future solely due to their presence on some silly social network. *BLOCK*

Ok, I promised I wouldn’t talk much in this blog, so back to the quotes.

While we’re on the topic of not letting go of the past, here’s an interesting one:

“America’s Facebook generation shows a submission to standardization that I haven’t seen before. The American adventure has always been about people forgetting their former selves – Samuel Clemens became Mark Twain, Jack Kerouac went on the road. If they had a Facebook page, they wouldn’t have been able to forget their former selves.”
– Jaron Lanier

Wow. Again, I’ll try not to comment. Just let that sink in for a minute.

(And if you had to look up Jack Kerouac, don’t feel bad. I did too. Unless I’m the only one who didn’t know who that was. And if that’s the case, then I’m just kidding.)

Moving on…

What do you think about this one?

“I would argue heavily that the time that has been allocated to social networking used to come from television, and people are benefitting from it. People who are saying, ‘Aw, you’re spending all your time on Facebook…,’ well, I’d like to understand what that person used to do with that time.”
– Gary Vaynerchuk

I think this Gary dude might be on to something. I know I rarely watch TV anymore. Good thing? Bad thing? Eh, who knows. It’s not my turn to talk anyway, so I won’t hypothesize. I promised to shut up.

Moving along.

Ahhh, here we go:

I couldn’t find an actual person to attribute this quote to (and I HATE that), but it was too good not to post. Made me giggle. (Because, hey – I’m the QUEEN of posting pics on Facebook. Just ask some of my haters, they’ll tell you.)

Now, how about this one for you voyeurs out there (you know who you are):

“I am a Facebook voyeur. I feel bad about it because I never put anything on there, but I find it fun to sit there and watch peoples’ lives go by. Or whatever lives they’re presenting.”
– Eddie Kaye Thomas

Hmmm. That last part is a zinger, wouldn’t you say?

On that same note:

Yup.

And again:

“There is something decidedly faux about the camaraderie of Facebook.”
– Bill Keller

Hmmmm. Would you agree?

Let’s dig a little deeper. This one combines Facebook with one of my passions…acting:

“When playing a role, I would feel more comfortable, as you’re given a prescribed way of behaving. So, both Facebook and theatre provide contrived settings that provide the illusion of social interaction.”
– Jesse Eisenberg

Ouch. Ok, anyone else feel their toes being stepped on, or is that just me?

Yes. Here’s to hoping for that.

Or, how about this one in the “food for thought” category:

“With Facebook, you’re not really allowed to be unhappy. Think about it: There’s only a ‘like’ button. Yes, you can be angry, but it’s only lighthearted rage. On Reddit, perhaps because you can be anonymous, people are willing to be openly sad or angry. They are more honest.”
– Yishan Wong

(Let me break my “I promise I’ll shut up” rule here for a second with a loud, “DING DING DING.” Ok, I’m quiet again…)

Now, let’s explore the word “friend” on Facebook, shall we?

“I don’t need to go onto Facebook and pretend to have friends I’ve never even met. To my mind, that kind of destroys the meaning of the word ‘friend.’ I take exception to that. Because I value and respect friendship.”
– Stefanie Powers

Hmmm. What do you say to that? Do you consider all of your Facebook friends as “real” friends? Interesting. But I’m shutting up, remember?

[Wait, one more thing before I shut up. I think it’s interesting that there is a “close friends” list option. I think this should be renamed “people that are actually important in your everyday life.” At least that’s what mine should be named. How about yours?]

Ok, I am fully aware that these quotes and tidbits are all teetering on the ‘negative’ side. I’ll throw a few positive ones in for good measure, don’t worry.

But not yet.

Hehe. Ok, sorry.

Ok, positive. Positive. Hmmmm. Let’s see. Oh, ok, let’s see what Mr. Zuckerberg himself has to say about it:

” The thing that we are trying to do at Facebook is just help people connect and communicate more efficiently.”
– Mark Zuckerberg

Ok, Mark. I hear ya. Hey, Facebook is what gets my blog out there, right? I think you may be right. Or how about this one:

“No one has done a study on this, as far as I can tell, but I think Facebook might be the first place where a large number of people have come out. We didn’t create that – society was generally ready for that. I think this is just part of the general trend that we talked about, about society being more open. And I think that’s good.”
– Mark Zuckerberg

What do you think? Ok, I know I promised to shut up, but one quick thing here. You may not agree with me on the gay rights issue, and hey – that’s your conscience you have to live with, my friend – but I can tell you that more than one of my homosexual friends over the years has contacted me privately and thanked me for loving them and publicly supporting them with my Facebook posts and for not treating them like they were any different than I am. Think what you want about that, but as far as I’m concerned – if I’ve made even one person feel less alone with a Facebook post, then it’s all been worth it. I’m proud of that.

*Sigh*

Ok, I don’t know where else I can go with this blog after that. Yes, I tried to “run away” for a few days, but I came back. I guess it was a little something like this:

I don’t know that I was exactly ‘looking for attention’ (honestly, I was trying to hide from it), but I do get the ‘running away from home’ reference. Do I consider Facebook to be “home?” Well, I hope not. Not to that extent anyway. But you know what I do consider it?

Life.

Facebook is life. It’s a mixture of things that make you smile, make you sad, make you laugh, make you cry, and sometimes things that make you so angry that you try to run away for a while. But that’s just it. You can’t escape life. You can try not to look at it for a while, you can even try to pretend it’s not there and it’s not still going on if you’re not around to see it, but you know what? It is. Like Dolly Parton says,

“The way I see it, if you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with a little rain.”

You gotta take the bad with the good, people. It’s all there for the taking. And whether you jump in there and show off, or whether you choose to just sit back and watch – either way, it’s life. It’s there and it’s not going anywhere.

And you’re a part of it.

Kinda cool in a way. Don’t you think?

Thanks for reading. I know I didn’t say much in this one – just sat here quiet as a little churchmouse (*giggle*), but I appreciate you coming along for the ride anyway.

(And hey – I’m willing to bet you clicked on a link on Facebook to get here, didn’t you?)

😉

***

“If you don’t take the chance to live life, what can you say at the end of it?”
– Naveen Andrews

***

[Footnote: Before I close out, I wanted to mention something I thought was interesting about this blog. I went back to edit before posting, as I always do, and I noticed that I alternated between capitalizing “Facebook” and not capitalizing “facebook.” I’m still not sure what the “correct” thing is to do, but I thought it was a little poetic that I didn’t know whether to attribute the importance of a capital letter to the name. Kinda what this whole blog is about, wouldn’t you say? Interestingly enough, I chose to capitalize. Deduce what you will….]

Posted by Melissa Edmondson. Categories: Freestyle Writings/Musings. Tags: acting, blog, expression, facebook, friendship, inspiration, inspirational, livinglife, motivation, motivational, passion, performance, photos, Quotes, sharing, theatre, views, writing, writing process. 3 Comments

Jul. ’13

Through the Sunroof

This is a picture I took last night as I watched the fireworks from inside my car during the rain. Pretty cool, huh?

Only….maybe not.

Sigh.

Ok, so one of the “gifts” I’ve been blessed (cursed?) with in my life is that I can never just see something on the surface. I always look deeper, see beneath the layer of obvious. And this is one of those times.

So, yes, it was raining. And yes, sitting inside the car kept me from getting wet. But I was sitting there alone. My daughter and her friend had gotten out of the car, rain be darned, and were watching the fireworks close by while looking for other friends and not caring whether they got soaked or not. They were having fun. Me? I was sitting in the safe, warm, dry, lonely car.

And that reminded me of something.

That’s how I am with friendships.

Alright, let me back up a little.

Earlier in the day, I had taken my daughter and her friend to the Independence Day parade. While she and her friend met up with other friends and had a good time watching the parade, I stood off to the side. Again, alone. (My boyfriend Richard had to work.) And standing there alone watching the parade, I noticed that my eyes kept getting drawn to a group of women to my right. While I was supposed to be watching the marching band, the ambulances, and the classic cars roll by, instead I caught myself watching the spectators. Especially these particular ones. There were this group of five older ladies, and they were just about the cutest things I’d ever seen. They were decked out in Independence Day attire – complete with little headbands with fake fireworks and their matching flag-sporting t-shirts and red capris. And let me tell ya – these women were having a blast. They were hooting and hollering and thought each and every float that went by was the best one of all. I know, because I heard them say so. They were clapping along with the music and stopping every so often to put their arms around each other and bask in the glory of the day.

I was in awe.

I mean, yes, they were a sight to behold so I’m sure I wasn’t the only one whose attention they caught. But aside from that, seeing them struck a chord in me that I couldn’t quite explain. I didn’t know why it made me a little sad to see them, but it did. I didn’t give it much thought – just went back to my business. But later that night, sitting there alone in the car watching the fireworks through my sunroof, it finally dawned on me where that sadness came from.

I don’t have that.

And it’s my own fault.

You hear talk all the time of people holding back from relationships because of trust issues and fear, etc. That seems to be a common topic of discussion amongst our psychology-driven fellow citizens. But I wonder if there maybe shouldn’t be a little talk about how that might apply to friendships sometimes too? Am I the only one that holds back from becoming close to friends? That has trouble relating and depending on others? Especially women?

Now, granted, I do have one good friend from high school that I turn to when things go wrong. And I’d like to think she does the same with me. Her name is Iman (but we always called her MiMi in high school, so that’s how I’ll refer to her from her on). But Mimi is far away and most of our talks are by computer or text (my fault, not hers). I can’t help but see the psychology behind that. The only female friend that I really rely on is still kept at a safe distance through not only actual physical distance, but also through the ways that I choose to communicate with her. She would love to chat on the phone sometimes, and we have a few times, but somehow I tend to shy away from it. Too personal, maybe? The times we have talked by phone were the times when I was at my most vulnerable – when I was extremely upset and was finally forced into letting a friend “in.” But other than those times? I don’t know, I just tend to stay guarded. Alone.

(Note: “Far away” Mimi is not going to be so far away very soon. She’s moving close to where I am in about a month. I guess it’s time to start figuring out what the heck is wrong with me, huh?)

Now, don’t get me wrong. I’ve tried. I have started to make close girlfriends (ones that are actually physically nearby). But like MiMi says, “Girl friendships take time. They are just like guy relationships, but there’s no initial attraction or hormone release that feel good like with the opposite sex. So, it just takes time to bond.”

Well there ya go. Therein lies part of my problem, I suppose. To put your time and effort into something requires trust that it’s going to be worth it in the end. And “trust?” Yeah, I’m not so good at that. When the going gets tough, this tough girl gets going. Right on out the door.

I don’t really have a point to this blog, I don’t suppose. I guess it’s just one of those times when I felt like writing about something that was really bothering me – the things that I sometimes try to keep to myself, but that my writer’s brain can’t ignore. I guess I also would like some feedback. Are you like this? Any idea why I am? Got any good drugs I can borrow?

Ok, that last one was a joke.

Sort of.

But seriously – I guess it’s time for me to start getting out of the car, ya know? Time to get out there and watch the fireworks on the big screen of life, instead of through the tiny little sunroof of safety. Yes, I may get a little wet from the rain at times, but oh what a sight I will behold.

Time to realize that it might be worth a few raindrops in order to fully experience the performance, right?

***

“Standing outside the fire
Standing outside the fire
Life is not tried it is merely survived
If you’re standing outside the fire”
– Garth Brooks lyrics, Standing Outside the Fire

Posted by Melissa Edmondson. Categories: Freestyle Writings/Musings. Tags: blog, change, female friendships, fireworks, friendship, heart, Independence Day, inspiration, motivation, parade, photos, Quotes, relationships, sharing, writing. 6 Comments

Jul. ’13

Anniversary

“We are not the same persons this year as last; nor are those we love. It is a happy chance if we, changing, continue to love a changed person.”
– W. Somerset Maugham

Today, July 1, is mine and Richard’s first anniversary.

Well, sort of.

I always hesitate before I write a “personal” blog like this. And by personal, I don’t mean it’s stuff that I don’t want to share. Shoot, I’ll share anything you want to know. No, I mean “personal” in that, it’s my story. It’s not a general blog that everyone can relate with. It’s specific. It’s mine. But in the past, each time I went ahead and ignored my hesitation and posted a personal blog anyway, they always seem to get the most response. At first, that used to baffle me. But over time, I’ve come to realize that people just are generally interested in other people’s stories. It’s what makes us all ‘connected.’ We like to know each other – know where we come from, why we are the way we are, how we got to the point we got to. And then we like to see similarities in our own situations and compare our story to theirs. It’s just part of the human experience. All of these individual stories work together to create unique squares on the tapestry of humanity.

So, no hesitation this time. Here’s my contribution to the “quilt.”

I’m just going to tell you a little bit about us – about how happy I am and about how it wasn’t easy getting here. And maybe you won’t get too bored with it. This is not your typical lovey dovey “how we met and fell in love” story.

No, our story isn’t quite so cut and dry as that.

Richard and I have trouble deciding what our exact “anniversary” is. And the reason for that is that we had a little bit of a bumpy start. There’s no precise before & after line. There’s a huge pile of gray area. (And I’m willing to bet that a lot of other couples have this kind of story too.)

Richard and I were a “set up” of sorts. I had just joined a new theatre and was, yet again, newly single. A co-actor mentioned Richard’s name once in a “I have a friend I think you’d like…” kind of way back in April of 2012. (I still owe you for that, Barry!) My initial reaction, of course, was the proud single lady’s response of, “No thanks. I’m perfectly fine being single. I don’t need a man to complete me…” blah, blah, blah. But the second Barry had left the room? I had my cell phone out looking up this Richard guy on Facebook. I wasn’t going to “add” him or anything like that. I mean, come on. I wasn’t that pathetic. But stalk him? Oh yeah. That was totally acceptable, right?

Well, a few days later, I get a Facebook add from said Richard. (Hmmm…guess Barry mentioned his little idea to both of us, not just me.) I added him, and sent a message saying pretty much that very thing. We laughed about it and proceeded to write back and forth for a few weeks. I don’t know what it was about those messages, but I was so intrigued by this guy. First of all, his grammar and punctuation were spot on. I mean, hello!? We ALL know that is of the utmost importance in determining potential, right? But even aside from gaining this wanna-be English teacher’s approval with all the capital letters and periods, he also impressed me with the subjects he wanted to talk about. We talked about our kids, my theatre, and his music. All things that were very important to us. No stupid flirty “hey baby, you wanna go out sometime?” nonsense. Just real life “here’s what’s important in my life” talk. I liked that.

So, we planned to meet.

Ironically, our first meeting took place at the theatre. His son was auditioning for the next summer musical, Oliver, and I was planning to be there as well. So, since we were both going to be in town, and his son was going home with his mom after the audition, we decided to plan to meet there and then go out to dinner afterwards. (Little did we know at the time how instrumental that theatre was going to be in the “story of us.”)

Oh my gosh, I was a nervous wreck. What do I wear? What do I talk about? Will I even recognize this dude from his pictures? Will we be able to talk in person like we’ve done on Facebook? I had heard that this guy was the “quiet, shy type.” What in the heck would we have in common?? “Quiet” and “shy” were two words that had never – not once – been used to describe me. I was exactly the opposite.

Well, worries aside, the meeting went pretty smoothly. I recognized him immediately. We walked in together; sat together; chatted about a million things (ok, maybe that was just me chatting nervously, but whatever). Went to dinner afterwards. And then again the next night. And then again the next night. In fact, we pretty much jumped in head first.

Here’s a picture of us on one of our first dates.

We went from “single and hurting over a past relationship,” to “in a new relationship” in the drop of a hat.

And boy was that a BAD idea.

After about a week of that, it fizzled. Ok, I’m lying. It didn’t fizzle. He got scared and ran. I was hurt, but at the same time, not surprised. Deep down, I knew he wasn’t ready, and frankly, neither was I. Oh well. No harm done, right? Move along.

But darn it.

There was just something about that guy.

I went on to get involved with Oliver at the theatre. My daughter decided to get involved with the theatre for the first time and was cast as one of the orphan boys, along with Richard’s son, Riley. I spent a lot of one-on-one time with the kids and ended up being crazy about Riley. And so was my daughter. They became fast friends. Soon after, Riley’s little sister Lauren joined the cast and we became just as close to her. It was so hard not to adore his kids. But what a strange situation. I date this guy temporarily, he disappears from my life, and suddenly, I find myself falling in love with his kids when he was nowhere around. Weird.

So, eventually, as showtime neared, Richard started spending some time at the theatre as well. We were both new runners, so we kept to the safe subject of running and avoided any mention of having dated before. Eventually, the talks of running turned into talks about the kids. And talks about the theatre. And talks about his music. And finally, hesitantly, to talks about why the two of us hadn’t worked out. He finally told me his story of his past relationship and how he had jumped the gun in moving on. I told him my past stories as well and eventually…well, I don’t know. We became friends. Really good friends. I decided maybe this is what had been fated all along. Maybe we weren’t meant to be a couple, per se. We had so much in common – kids in the theatre, being performers ourselves, being new runners, both of our professions being the real estate field. Yes, he was quiet and I was loud. But that didn’t matter – we had enough in common to make us drawn to each other. I was just going to have to accept that it was to be in a “friends” aspect and not in the romance department.

Psssh.

Yeah, I could tell myself that crap all day long. But then I’d pass him backstage in the dark wings and my heart would flutter. I knew I couldn’t just be his friend. I knew it. But I had to do what I had to do. I wanted this man in my life and I was just going to have to accept that I didn’t get to choose the specific role he played.

And then…well, something changed.

I got stung by a bee.

No, really. I got stung by a bee and the whole dynamic of who we were changed. (I’m not sure if he’d tell this story the same way I am, but after reading this, I think he’ll see it for what it was too.)

The show had ended and our “required” time together had passed by. There were no longer circumstances that would put us in the same place at the same time. We continued texting and talking, and even had a “friendly” dinner together one evening. But that whole “couple” thing was still just not happening.

Cue the bee sting.

The weekend before Independence Day, we were doing separate things – he was off with friends and I was at the pool with my kids. While packing our things to leave the pool, I got stung on the back. I didn’t think much of it (other than the passing thought that I couldn’t remember having been stung by a bee since I was a small child, if even then) and we went on about our business. But as we were getting in the car, I realized that something was wrong. My throat started closing up and I began to get welts all over me. I was having an allergic reaction. Here I was, the only adult out with two kids and I wasn’t exactly sure what to do. I was still able to drive to the gas station nearby, and I had my son go in and buy me some Benadryl. Eventually, the symptoms passed somewhat and I was able to drive home. All in all, it was a pretty scary situation. But I got through it and just realized that I better carry Benadryl with me from then on. Apparently I’m allergic to bees. Who knew?

So, later that night, Richard texts and asks about my day. I tell him about the bee scenario and he responds, “Why didn’t you call me?”

Huh?

Why didn’t I call him? Why would I have called him? What did it have to do with him?

And then, it dawned on me. I wondered if he was starting to see me in that way. In the, “I’m the one she should call when she needs someone” way. And the next day, I got my answer. He asked me to come over. And I did. That’s when he told me that this weekend had felt different. That at one point, he realized that he missed me.

That we should have been together.

And there you have it. That was July 1. So, we decided we’d use that day as the day we became “official.”

I wish I could tell you that it was happily ever after from that day forward. But it wasn’t. We still had some issues to overcome. We still had some annoying little “past” pests to swat away at times. Even let it break us up once for a while. (And you know what put us back together? Yet again – the theatre. I was cast as his son’s mom in a production. So, as much as we wanted to be apart, life wouldn’t let us. Thank goodness for the theatre.)

So, yes, there have been some tough times, but we’ve managed. We just keep finding our way back somehow.

See, that’s the thing about something that’s meant to be. No matter how much you try to fight it, it always manages to happen anyway. In spite of you.

So, no. The first year of our story hasn’t been the typical fairy tale. (And really, whose love story is?) We’ve seen each other through the good and bad, through the best and worst of our personalities. By starting out as friends, we came to know each other in a different way than we would have if we had continued dating from the beginning. We told each other the truth. We exposed the “ugly” underneath and, lo and behold, we’re still here.

We’re still here.

Warts and all.

I love this man with all of my heart. And I know, without a doubt, that he loves me too.

And I can guarantee you that I’ll be here blogging on July 1, 2014, about all that happened in Year #2.

Because when you know, you just know.

Happy Anniversary, sweetheart.

***

“If you meet somebody and they love you when you are your true, awful, not-ready-yet, boring, not cool enough, not handsome enough, not pretty enough, too fat, too poor self? And if you love them back so much that it makes you calm? And they have flaws and you do not mind a single one of them?….If you found that, you found it.”
– Augusten Burroughs

Posted by Melissa Edmondson. Categories: Freestyle Writings/Musings. Tags: anniversary, blog, change, changed, couple, dating, friendship, heart, heartbreak, inspiration, love, motivation, one year, passion, photos, Quotes, relationship, relationships, writing. 10 Comments

Jun. ’13

Uncertainty

Well, crap. John Finley, you just ruined my day.

Because you know what I hate? What I despise? What I loathe?

Uncertainty.

Holy cow, do I detest uncertainty. I want to know exactly what is going to happen, when it’s going to happen, how it’s going to happen, and how everyone is going to feel when it happens. This ‘not knowing’ crap is for the birds.

So, with that being the case – I’m sure you can guess that I don’t handle change very well. Especially unexpected change. (Well, that seems kind of redundant. I guess most all change is unexpected really, isn’t it?) So, Mr. Finley, with your fancy schmancy quote – I guess I’m immature.

So, here we go. I’m going to throw caution to the wind and blog about something kind of personal here. I think it’s important to do that sometimes so that you, my reader, can know that I’m just as crazy as you are. Yes, I just called you crazy. I know you’re crazy. Know how I know? Two reasons. 1) You’re reading this blog. And 2) EVERYONE is crazy. And you’re one of everyone. So there.

So, fellow crazy person, I’m gonna spill my guts to you.

My relationship is going through another rocky patch. Hey, it happens. And I’m going to go ahead and own up to the blame in this one. Hands down, I admit it. It’s all me. But, for the life of me, I just don’t know what to do about it.

My boyfriend just took a second job as a bartender. I’m going to list the obvious reasons why this worries me first.

Timing. He’s going to work nights/I’m going to work days (ok, he’s doing both actually). I’m going to work weekdays/He’s going to work weekends (Again: both for him). *Sigh*
His life is going to change. He’s going to be surrounded by tons of new people. Tons of people that will be there with him when I won’t. *Sigh*
My life is going to change. A lot of the time that I had worked into my schedule to spend with him will now be time spent alone. *Sigh*
He’s a bartender. A bartender. I know life is not always like the stereotypes, but Hello? Being a bartender is sexy. We all know that. I’m not ashamed to admit that I’m a little jealous. Well, jealous isn’t really the right word here. I think insecure is more like it. That life is not my life. But it’s now going to be his. And it’s going to be the life of the people he’s going to be spending his time with. We may not have anything in common anymore. (Have I sighed yet? If not….*sigh*)
There won’t be time for me anymore.

I could stop here. That’s a pretty good list and probably doesn’t need anything added to it. That’s enough to prove my point, right? You get it? Understand my worries? Yep, I could stop here. Enough said. I should stop here.

But stopping here would be a lie. And I don’t do the lying thing very well.

The #1 reason I’m worried isn’t even on that list.

Most people know how to keep their mouths shut and just let things silently hurt them. But I’m not most people. Until I have faced and dealt with a problem head on, it won’t go away. I have to say it out loud. I have to address it. When someone has hurt me, I have to approach them and deal with it. I can’t run from it, it’s just not in my DNA. I go to them, we talk it out, and then we go our separate ways. Sometimes healed, sometimes not. But either way, it’s addressed and I can have peace.

But this time is different.

This time I don’t know who hurt me. I just know that someone did.

Someone who is involved in my boyfriend’s close-knit group of friends blatantly excluded me a while back. I won’t get into the specifics of how it happened (they know, and I know – that’s all that matters), but it happened. And it hasn’t been forgotten. This close-knit group of friends are always together, and are always at the place my boyfriend is working. He adores them, and I don’t blame him. They’re great people. They’re fun-loving, they live life to the fullest, they’re great conversationalists. But one of them (maybe more?) doesn’t like me. And until I know who the one person was, it’s hard to fully let my guard down with any of them. Does that make sense? Until I know who not to trust, I can’t trust anyone. This is a tough situation for our relationship. Very tough. For both of us. And now a big fat spotlight is being shone on it.

So, what it all boils down to is this – I feel excluded. I have always felt excluded, but with Richard by my side, I was able to temporarily forget it at times. I knew I belonged with him, and that’s all that matters. But now? Now, he’s surrounded by that life that someone doesn’t want me in, and I’m not there. I’m standing outside of an invisible wall that I can’t seem to break down.

And his taking this job? Well, in my mind, the wall just got bigger.

I feel the pressure building. I feel the tension piling up and I’m not sure how to escape it. In the back of my mind, I keep hearing the faint ‘tick tick tick…’ of an impending explosion. And frankly, that sound is getting pretty darn annoying.

I’m getting pretty annoying.

“Every day I fight a war against the mirror
I can’t take the person starin’ back at me
I’m a hazard to myself
Don’t let me get me
I’m my own worst enemy
It’s bad when you annoy yourself…”

*sigh* Pink gets it.

Maybe that’s why I feel the need to write this blog. Maybe I’m looking for suggestions? Maybe I’m looking for help? Maybe I just don’t want to watch something fade away if there was something I could do about it and just didn’t know what it was. Maybe I just want to know I’m not alone in how I feel? That people understand? Sympathize? That there are more people like me and Pink out here in this world?

Or maybe I just need to hear that I’m selfish and insecure and need to get over myself. Yeah, that’s a possibility too, I suppose.

Maybe I just needed to vent.

All I know is that I have watched a friend of mine go through a very similar situation over the past ten months in her relationship (daytime job versus nighttime job – different lives, different friends, etc.), and I’m now watching as she adjusts to her new life as a single woman because it didn’t work out.

I don’t want that to be me. But what do I do?

***

“The one permanent emotion of the inferior man is fear – fear of the unknown, the complex, the inexplicable. What he wants above everything else is safety.”
– H. L. Mencken

Posted by Melissa Edmondson. Categories: Freestyle Writings/Musings. Tags: blog, change, dating, friendship, heartbreak, loss, love, problems, Quotes, relationships, uncertainty, writing. 8 Comments

May. ’13

Moments

Awwww. How sweet.

Ok, I’ll get back to this picture in a minute. First – let me tell you a little something about myself.

I’m a jerk.

Oh yeah. It’s true. When I’m upset about something, I become an inconsiderate, irrational know-it-all who cannot see anyone else’s point of view but my own. Especially when I’m already tired or stressed to begin with. Anyone else like that, or am I all alone here in Jerkville?

Now, my boyfriend definitely knows this about me. He has been a prisoner in Jerkville a few too many times. And sometimes he likes to put a positive spin on this aspect of my personality by referring to it as my being passionate. Passionate. *Giggle* (He missed his calling as a politician.)

But, then there are other times. The times when he’s fed up and has had enough of the scenery in Jerkville and is ready to go home – that’s when he’ll call it like it really is. He says I get crazy.

Ok, I’ll admit it. Both are true. Sometimes I’m passionately crazy. But it’s because I feel things. You know? I feel them to my core. There’s no half-assing it with me. (Pardon my French.) When I feel it, I feel it.

Now, sometimes that’s a good thing. Sometimes it’s a wonderful thing actually. I know I love with all of my heart, and then some. I’d go to the ends of the earth for you if you’ve managed to win my heart. And honestly, I kinda like that about myself.

But when the tide turns? Ohhhh boy. When the tide turns, it’s not such a good thing anymore. It can get ugly fast. Yep – it’s a flaw. My biggest flaw, perhaps. I admit it.

I, Melissa Caudill, am a flawed human being.

I know, I know….shocking, isn’t it? I thought I was perfect too! But nope. Turns out, I’m not. Who knew!?

So, with all of that said, I want to tell you about something that happened in my latest argument with my honey. Now, he is the exact opposite from me. Polar opposite. His way to handle a problem? Clam up; don’t talk; wait for it to pass.

Bless his heart.

Now, you read all that stuff I just said about me, right? If you were a fly on the wall during one of our spats, I can assure you you’d be quite entertained. Honestly, though – (and don’t tell him this) – I admire him for the way he is. In the same way that he admires my being “passionate,” I admire his being level-headed. Calm. Well, that is, until I’m pissed. And then? Then I think he’s….well….crazy. Unhealthy. A ticking time bomb. He needs to let that junk out of his system!

In other words, I guess we’re both flawed. It just happens to be in exact opposite ways.

Well, last night – as it has a few times in the past – those flaws came into play during a stupid argument. I wanted to talk; he didn’t. So, I marched my crazy self over to his house to make him talk. When I first got there, he was asleep. (Asleep? Asleep!? You think that is an excuse not to text me back??) 😉 After an unwelcomed chuckle from his half-asleep ramblings (he saw me and said in a slurred voice, “What are you doing in the band room?”…oh my gosh, I can’t even type that without laughing again – what the heck was that boy dreaming about?…), we got down to business. We (I) ranted and raved and discussed every little thing each of us have ever done wrong in our lives from the time we exited our mother’s wombs. Or, at least it seemed like that. Then, eventually, we chilled out and finally actually discussed the issue like we should have all along.

We’re fine now. We still have problems, and always will (we’re human), but this catastrophe was avoided at least.

Now, back to the picture I posted at the beginning. (See? I’m telling you this story for a reason. And you thought I was just rambling….)

At one point during the argument, he got up and went into the kitchen to get a bottle of water. (I know, right!? How dare him walk away when I’m ranting…) He came back into the room, and I took a deep breath and resumed where I had left off without missing a beat. And in the midst of my continued rant, you know what he did?

He handed me a drink of water.

Here I was, hoarse from all the fussing at the poor man, and he hands me a drink of water to help me continue.

Isn’t that amazing? You can be irate at someone – think that they are the craziest, most insane, irrational person alive – and yet when you love them, you still make sure they’re comfortable. Make sure they know you love them.

These are the moments, people. Not the candlelit dinners, not the flowers, not the cute little pet names.

The times the people you love are being anything but loveable – and you love them anyway. The parent tucking in the child that just screamed “I hate you!” at them just before they fell asleep; the pet that still runs up to you and welcomes you home when you’ve left it alone all day; the adult child of an Alzheimer’s patient still patiently lifting a spoon to the mouth that curses them in confusion; the boyfriend who hands a drink of water to the woman who has just hurt his feelings.

These are the moments.

Don’t forget to notice them. OK?

***

“Love is an act of endless forgiveness, a tender look which becomes a habit.”
– Peter Ustinov